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I have recently left a controlling relationship.
I’m having such a hard time with accepting that he will never accept responsibility.
He says that he does- and he sees how i felt controlled but that he never wanted me to feel that way. But since leaving i have done a lot of reading and I’m becoming less convinced that he didn’t mean to do it. But i still doubt myself and have to remind myself of all the things that happened.
His main focus now is saying that I obviously just didn’t really love him! Because how can I have just left, if i really meant it when i told him i loved him? Nothing i say helps (no surprises there) and we just go around in circles.
How do I make peace with accepting that he will always blame me?
I feel like i’m going crazy and it’s all I think about!
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this is really really hard – you can actually reach a point when you are almost forced to accept this painful reality because of the mental exhaustion it causes. around & around you go – no wonder you feel like you are going crazy. its human nature to want someone to accept responsibility hold their hand up & admit to hurtful behaviour – we even want them to apologise. so the very last thing we expect is to instead be blamed for everything – and as you are seeing yourself even trying to make you feel guilty for not loving him enough (or you can even have a sorry i am not good enough for you). saying things like this takes all the attention away from him (& his behaviour) & then makes you the problem (for not being forgiving enough)
while you are still hoping for the impossible all it does is keep you hurting – you can feel angry frustrated & upset. it really can end up exhausting you because its fruitless – its accepting that there are human beings in this world who do not have a conscience & who feel entitled to behave the way they do. so having these expectations of anyone so opposite of who we are only causes us more prolonged suffering. hold onto the truth as this can give you such strength x
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Thank you for replying- you’ve got it spot on- I’ve had the “Sorry i wasn’t good enough for you!” and deep down I know its about him blaming me instead of acknowledging his behavior- I am just lost in this feeling of utter frustration.
Does it just take time? Because I really want to accept it, but I just can’t seem to!
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its so good that you were able to see why these comments were made – it can not only be frustrating but infuriating too. when you let go of wanting your partner to accept responsibility & to stop blaming you it will bring you some peace – to be able to tell yourself that it really doesnt matter is so helpful. because it doesnt matter if your partner is refusing to admit truth & reality – thats up to him. what matters is that you absolutely know the truth & nothing he says or does can take this away from you
yes its painful prior to reaching the point of letting go of wanting someone to do the right thing & its ok to feel this way. but if there comes a time when you feel your mental health is suffering because of it this is when you know you need to pay much more attention to yourself – so instead of looking for your partner to take responsibility let it be enough that you know he is the only one responsible for behaving the way he did & that he was to blame x
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Hi, you won’t get any closure or accountability from your ex and his behaviour… for non abusive people we can admit our faults, shortfalls or poor behaviour… abusers know what they’re doing and what they have done, which is very difficult to accept.
Him saying it’s because you didn’t love him is another tactic, to get in your head and cause you to reflect or ruminate, please don’t as it wasn’t/isn’t a you problem, it is totally on him (he just turns it on you). He is telling you that unless you stay with him (in an unhappy relationship where he could see you were unhappy) then it is your fault.
This is your time to trust yourself, your choices and to not let him rattle you or get on your head.. you will not get closure with an abuser.
HFH ❤️
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This is what annoyed me a long time after and hereforhelp is right they don’t take responsibility…or if they do its for self gain to avoid consequence etc. They do not see things the same as us .
My ex used to say everyone does it it’s what normal relationships are like…. now this was true within his circle of friends as they all were abusive as well and worryingly this was a large number of people. However I knew what was healthy and unhealthy and I saw through it . These abusers have seen and are still seeing couples abuse their partners both physically and emotionally so they think it’s normal.
They just don’t think what they are doing is wrong. It takes time but it gets better and the anger goes away eventually.
Take care ❤️
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This is a tough one isn’t it, that it’s all your fault and no accountability is taken by him.
There doesn’t seem to be much self reflection with abusive people does there? It’s almost like they take the position of “I’ll just carry on behaving like this until somebody stops me”
And they’re getting a lot out of it. We’re all tiptoeing around them, making sure they don’t get upset and pandering to their moods. I can see what’s in it for them
Trying to ‘understand’ them (which is a bit the same thing as trying to rescue them isn’t it?) is a way of us staying engaged with them and their thoughts and psychology.
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But I wonder whether we can just let it go a bit.
Can we just say ‘it’s not my problem’.
when they blame us we can just say “we’ll, you would wouldn’t you”.Their personalities aren’t our problem.
We are allowed to say, actually I’d just rather spend my time being around nicer, more fun, less argumentative people.
“Wow, you’re really shallow” you may say to me! To which I would reply, “thankyou, I’m really trying to be!”
They want us to take the blame…and most of us do and struggle for years blaming ourselves. It’s horrible. It’s part of the abuse that they can plant in us and just enjoy watching it grow, even when they’re no longer there. (They’re off living their shallow new lives!)
Maybe we can stop putting such heavy weight on our own backs.
When he says “I suppose I just wasn’t good enough for you” we say “no, I suppose you weren’t” -
I think in the end we need to find peace within ourselves, they will never ever admit they were in the wrong. Have you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Buncroft? That helped me learn I will never get any sort of closure from my ex abuser. You can read it free online. The more we focus on ourselves, the more we realise no one else can give us what we need. Where focus goes, energy flows. Focus on you. If you can go 100% no contact, he will only continue abusing you and driving you mad. You can’t reason with them.
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