Finding our own Compassion

[WanderingCloud]

For the past few days, he has been nit picking at me, the usual rubbish about how I don’t love him enough, I don’t spend time with his, I am going to dump him. I tend to laugh these off with him, I cannot face having to actually open up to him or even waste my energy by continually nursing his feelings. It is exhausting.
I was reading one of the earlier posts about how we are naturally compassionate people but that we have to find ways to be compassionate to ourselves first but how are we meant to do this? If I started to do this, the repercussions would be too much, the verbal abuse would escalate and I feel I am mentally unable to cope with this, my head feels like it is already bursting.
I dont help myself by burying my feelings or acting as if everything is normal but I suppose this has been my way of coping.
How does everyone one else manage?

[Falling Skys]

Hi

I would put my abuser first as it made life easier. If I didn’t he would just keep on till I did what he wanted anyway. My children, I thought it was best that we stay as a family unit. My mother, she was always telling me the shame she went through when her mother ran off with another man. Also my parents and brothers marriages were good, I felt a failure as I couldn’t make mine better.

Now decades on, I put up with misery for nothing, my children are abusive because they know no different. My mother is now saying she relieved I’m getting out of it…

But you know what you are willing to live with. I couldn’t have been ready to break free before now.

I am now thinking what do I like, what do I want. I feel very indulgent at times, but it’s great. And I am learning to love me and hardest part is to forgive me.

Hope I haven’t ramble to much.

FS xx

[godschild]

From what Ive been reading we abused Women are very very commpasionate people and I think the Abuser takes advantage of this and so do other poeple, many people have taken my kindness and support and care and now im in a crisis dont even get in touch.
I think they make it hard for us to be commpasionate to our selves as they guilt trip over nice things we might do for ourselves, mine just a simple thing like having a nice bath ans trying to be kind to myself , guilt trips me, we need to try to be commpasionate to ourselves , if only in very small steps. They have made us feel worthless and not worthy of anything nice
We try to keep the peace with them but then you realise what is happening fully, you have buried so many feelings and been under their control the emotions are very strong, I have felt my head was going to burst and a rage inside me as ive relaised what he has being doing for so many years.
I get a cushion and thump and thump it now to release the anger and pain, they also dont like us to cry or show nay emotion its all about them , but i have had some real good cries and think I feel out of control and with the pain is too much but you do calm down and it does hep to express these feelinsg to yuor self in a quiet place.
your phrase constantly nursing his feelings is so apt, they expect us to bow and scrape to their every imaginery hurt every hurt , most of which are so unreasonable, they act as though we have hurt them instead of the other way around, mine will curl up on a bed after he has been abusive and feel sorry for himself it sickens me, years ago i used to think he was maybe feeling remorse in doing this and that he would come and aplogise but no it was all about nurturing himself, they have no problem with being commpasionate to themselves, in fact its their whole being, feeling only for themselves, hope this helps xx

[Serenity]

Hi Wandering Cloud,

It has recently dawned on me clearly how my ex had zero compassion and concern for me- indeed, he behaved the opposite.

There was no interest in listening to me and my feelings, considering my needs- in fact he got angry and critical if I dared do or want anything for myself. I was a slave, a kidnap, someone to use and run into the ground.

I should have realised years ago how bad he was and how dangerous it was being with him. I think him sitting downstairs watching tv in a mood because his dinner wasn’t cooked whilst I lay literally dying in bed should have been a clue ( yes, he may not have realised I was that ill, because to him any illness I had was probably in my head, but I think the purple blood poisoned body might have given him a clue, if he’d bothered to look).

But part of me believed now that maybe he did know how ill I was. My family said there was no way he couldn’t know, I looked so ill. I add this to the times when he deliberately and guiltlessly did things to exacerbate my asthma, how he denied me rest and sleep, pushed me past my physical limits etc.

I think mine went past just not having compassion : I think mine harboured clandestine murderous feelings.

Anyway, why I mentioned all this is to throw into sharp relief that your abuser will never show you compassion. He will do the opposite, mess up your head by trying to lay the blame at your feet, minimise your pain and your needs, minimise his own abuse.

An abuser will try to sabotage any self-care or self-compassion which you try to show yourself. He will get angry if he had less attention, he will mock your new hobbies and your abilities, he will make fun of your achievements- because it’s not all about him. His abusive nature will worsen when you begin to try to do things for yourself, and if you begin vocalising your self- compassion, he will tell you that you are selfish, that it’s all about you, that you’re self-indulgent and he will try to make you feel bad about yourself so that you feel that you don’t deserve I show yourself compassion!

It is nigh impossible to show yourself compassion when with an abuser. I could only truly do this when I was away from mine : I had tried to do this before we separated, and I was mocked for it, ridiculed, he tried to wreck my peace.

If still with your abuser, keep this self- compassion a secret from him. Don’t divulge your new found stance- he will just try to destroy it as he will be jealous that you are giving this to yourself. Allow yourself things that are kept sacred and out of his reach. Don’t bare your soul to him about your positive thoughts- he will abuse them. From day to day, keep that part of yourself secret from him and build it up. Hopefully it will strengthen you. He only needs to know the minimum, information that he can’t take advantage of and twist.

Xx

[SilkyHalide]

Myself and him blame me for burying things and not being open allowing him to address my feelings. But think why did I bury them? Wasn’t it the shame he makes you feel for having your own thoughts and feelings that go against his or that he can’t understand. Wasn’t it fear of his disagreement, denial or dismissal of your feelings.
Wasn’t it that he used things you were open about against you at a later date, even if he seemed on your side at the time.
I am open I will tell other people too much so there is a reason why I wasn’t open with him.
It lead me to not be open with the Children too as that would get me into trouble.

[SaharaD]

Only found my own compassion for myself when I left.

I decided that I didn’t deserve to live with someone who treated me that way no matter what.

The compassion to leave
the compassion to stay gone
the compassion to know that it will be difficult
the compassion to know that I am not to blame
the compassion to take that step to make sure that he can never hurt me again.

I really didn’t cope well living with an abuser. I have a mental health condition and the abuse just aggravated all the symptoms and I couldn’t think straight at all.

[Serenity]

Hi Sahara,

I am going to save your lines about compassion! So true x*x

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