Finding out more and more – now its s*x workers

[iliketea]

Hi, I left a while ago, but he is still causing so much trouble and chaos in our lives.  He does it through the children now. Its so sad, I count the years down.  The latest is he’s given one of them his old phone without wiping it. And I was checking it had all the necessary safety on it as child is young and came across years of messages. A lot were booking sex workers. As well as being shocking if my young child had come across them, I don’t know if they have. They did ask me what prostitutes did the other day so Im thinking they might have. Its also been like the last piece of the puzzle. It was a sexless relationship, I often ask myself why I stayed as i had always had a healthy life in that area, and men had always found me attractive, it was the first time it had ever happened to me. Then I had some terrible personal tragedy soon after meeting him and I think life just got derailed and s*x wasn’t top of my priority. I never once suspected he was off out buying it somewhere else… I don’t know why I didnt think this, I think mostly because I thought he was just buttoned up and not very interested, maybe gay, maybe repressed, also not a great looker, very interested in porn, I caught him doing that loads and he had to look at it to get an erection once. After first child it ended up with such horrendous arguments and him calling me a sl*T for wanting to sleep together, it was never possible to even discuss it. But now I’ve seen all these messages I’ve just realised he must have been doing this throughout the relationship which is why he had no interest or desire to have s*x with me. He was also always in debt, I thought just bad with money but now I see it was probably this. He’s still in debt and has recently dragged me through the legal system for financial reasons, but thankfully failed.

I don’t know what Im asking really here, I suppose has anyone had this? I feel so stupid to not have looked at his phone once, I just never even thought that would be something he’d do, too repressed, too scared, but clearly not, there were hundreds of different women on the phone, in work time, even when he’s had the children, half hour here, hour there when they’re at the seaside…he even asked one of them if they could au pair for the children one summer..Thing is Ive just finished some amazing therapy and was feeling like I was finally healing but this has churned it all again, not a lot, but its made me feel very nauseous and even more stupid as if Id checked his phone once I would have seen messages Im sure as it wasn’t hidden at all on his phone, and I could have got out long before the abuse escalated, and long before i had children with him.

[Lisa]

Hi iliketea,

Such a difficult way for you to have found this out. You aren’t stupid for not checking his phone while you were together. As a healthy, non-abusive partner, I’m sure you valued trust within the relationship and it didn’t even cross your mind to look. To me, that’s a positive attribute, something to feel proud of. You are in no way to blame for his behaviour and that includes him hiding all of this.

I know, ideally, you want to hear from others who’ve experienced similar, hopefully they’ll be able to share with you soon. Cheating frequently happens alongside abuse, it can be reflective of abusers’ misogynistic beliefs that devalue women. Please know that, even if no one is able to reply at the moment, you’re not alone in this, and try to be kind to yourself.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Tian]

Oh, shoot. My husband spaffed away tens of thousands of pounds over a fairly short period and I never did find out what he spent it on

A gambling problem? Personal services? A side family? Whatever it was, I and my kids lived in borderline poverty for over a decade while he paid it off. It was so humiliating not to be able to afford new clothes for them, at any point in their childhood. I scrimped and saved, all the time wondering what he was spending his money on

Stay strong and put yourself first xx

[Tulippower]

I found out my partner had been with multiple workers when he was away for business, I found multiple screen shots and texts bragging about it. We had an amazing s#x life too, it’s not our fault some men just have no morals x

[Author]

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