First Steps for Help

[Dockofthebay]

Evening,

I have recently told my husband that I want to seperate and divorce.
He is drinking excessive and almost blackmailing me to give him a chance.
I don’t know where to go to for help for myself and him.
any advice is appreciated

[Lisa]

Hi Dockofthebay,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. This sounds really difficult. You don’t owe him a chance and it’s really manipulative of him to pressure you in this way. You deserve for your decisions to be respected and to be allowed to leave. Unfortunately, abusers don’t like to lose their power and control and will try whatever they can to keep the situation as it is because this suits them. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.

If you feel like you need some additional support, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available for free, 24/7 on 0808 2000 247. You can talk to their team online Monday to Friday 10am-10pm and 10am-6pm on weekends.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[minimeerkat]

if your husband genuinely wants to get the appropriate help for the drinking this would appear to be a positive step.  ideally it would be more reassuring if he wanted to look for this himself although its then ok to point him in the right direction if you are asked.  it can be confusing when something like alcohol is involved because its very easily considered a reason/to blame for unacceptable behaviour – you can end up believing it to be the cause of or justify abuse. for yourself yes you could always contact those who help people whose partners have problems with alcohol but there is also your local domestic abuse service if you feel you have experienced abuse – they are there to listen help & support you (there is the national domestic abuse helpine too).  hope you are ok. stay strong & safe

[Cherries]

Hiya.

If you are done, then please don’t stay out of guilt. Especially if abuse is involved – of any kind.

I do think we know when we’ve had enough, but it just feels easier somehow to stay. Leaving is a lot. Its never easy. So many emotions.

I think someone else mentioned AA – but know that that is HIS work to do. You’re not responsible for either his drinking or his recovery. Sometimes addicts need to get real uncomfortable before they will actually do the work. In other words, its only when it gets bad for them. Few will succeed on someone elses behalf.

Either way its no fun living with that and its absolutely OK to leave because our needs and feelings matter too. We forget that along the way. Make ourselves miserable to avoid upsetting someone else. Its a shame they don’t reciprocate.

I went to womens aid, I have a support worker. She put me onto the domestic abuse Hub at my city council. They got me on the housing list as a priority and in the meantime I studied about abuse and informed myself. Made little steps towards leaving. To make it easier when I do. But I won’t be informing him ahead of the event because he will make it 10 x harder. I have the right to choose freedom. Im done with wasting my life to support another when the return gift is control, guilt and unhappiness. You have the right to choose to. Its not all about the partner x

[StrongLife]

There too was alcohol involved in ex relationship. He did not believe he had an issue. He was not willing to get help.

It was difficult as he was abusive and coercive. I contacted a hotline and went from there after many fleeing incidents.

[Author]

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