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Hi everyone
Ive found this site via netmums which has kept me sane when i thought i wss losing it.
Ive been married (detail removed by moderator) years abd have 2 kids (detail removed by moderator).
From outside we have everything, nice house, good jobs, no real money worries, holidays, lots of pets and our gorgeous children.
Over the years ive experienced the following from my husband, who i would like to add works very hard and has a successful business. I wont take that away from him.What makes it harder for me is that it isnt consistent behaviour, can be fine fof couple of weeks but then horrible for another week or 2.
– over reaxting and losing temper over smallest oc things ending up in a long winded mouthful oc abuse even if im at work. Example of reasons, i forgot to buy milk or put bin out for bin men to collect.
– rings all the time even when at work and despite me saying i cant take personal calls (company policy) say 6 times a day. Expectz i should answer even if in a meeting. I was once in a meeting (detail removed by moderator) he rang 10 times then went mental when i rang him back.
– he expects if im already on phone ill hanv up to speak to him as he is busy and might need to ask me something.
– he says my wages are pocket money and i dont contribute despite me paying all childcare, all animal costs, electric, water, car insurance, all kids clothes and shoes, uniforms, kids swimming kessons and other hobbies. I have nothing left but he saves min of £200 per month into his personal saving account.
– he owned house when we got tigether (detail removed by moderator) so always says its his house and i just live there, its also his car and i just drive it (he insisted on a new car paid by his business)
– i look after kids 24.7 whrn not at school. I do all school runs, organise all child care and pay for it, i do all homework with them. I ajways put then to bed and read stories etc and do all doc and dentist appts etc
_ i do all housework, washing cooking, cleaning, gardening.
-until receny spent all his spare time on hus hobbies, never timr to take son to hia.
I am always anxious and have to kerp busy. Cant just relax as feel guilty like ill be caught putying my feet up. Struggling with trichomania and twitching eyes.
He always has to be right. Is very sexist, very opinionating.
Ive gone through all emotions and now angry so instead of pacifying him im snapping and find myself avoiding him.
Hes constantly wanting cuddles, says he needs to see i want him, constant reassurance and follows ne round thd house.
Ive gone completely off sex, had to go along with uf a few days ago to keep peace bbut when he was trying to passionaty kiss me i felt repulsed.
Ive no emotional connection anymore.Hes picked up in my change of tact and is now sayinv im boring, cold, that i speak to him like s**t so its on me again.
In the past he said i can leave but im not taking kids, says he wont give me anything financially as settlement and would seek full custody.
I feel guilty as he really seems to be trying but i think were too broken
He said (detail removed by moderator) he knows i want to go with kids and hell give ne that. But i dont trust him to have this conversation.
Im so tired but cant sleep.
Anyone offer any advise please?
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Hi getmylifeback, welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Yes he’s definately abusing you. Sounds like he’s got a live in maid with benefits. If you have had enough there are ways to leave. As his wife you are entitled to half of everything plus more as you have children. He’s financially abusing you,by keeping you without any money to be able to save up. You do contribute, look at what you pay plus in the eyes of the law, looking after the house and children is part of the contract of marriage. He’s sexually abusing you, which is really really hard to hear, but when a Woman does it to keep the peace it is a form of rape. He’s abusing your right to privacy, by going through your phone, does he let you go through his? Most abusers are lovely, hard working from the outside, then there’s the other end of the scale where they don’t work, and make you feel bad for working too.calling you at work is also typical of an abuser, they really are just selfish insecure little boys eho haven’t grown up emotionally. Put a 2yr olds temper tantrum into a grown adult and it’s terrifying. We use an analogy at WA, if you put a frog into boiling water, it would jump straight back out, but if you put it into a pan of water and slowly turn up the heat,, it won sit there until it’s boiled alive. An abusive person isn’t like this straight away, they want to create an illusion, to pull you in, get you to fall in love, then their abuse starts, a put down here, a name calling there. A wee slap or pull of the hair. Play fighting is another way of pushing boundaries. Have you heard of trauma bonding and FOG which stands for fear obligation and guilt in an abusive relationship. There are also a few books we recommend to each other. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft which can be downloaded for free and also Living with the dominater by Pat Craven. It’s terrifying not knowing which way to turn. Have you spoken to your doctor about how his behaviour is affecting you and the children. (this is a way of logging his behaviour for future reference just in case. It’s hard to open up. Took me months to tell my doctor. Some people hand over a wee note, if they can’t find the words). Believe me you might think they don’t know anything but they do and it will affect how they mature and act or be treated as adults. When dad hits mum is another book by Lundy Bancroft and helps explain things in child appropriate terms. You will not lose your children, this is a threat all abusers use, as they know it’s a mum’s worst nightmare. He’s being nicer because he realises he’s losing you. Also I’d say listen carefully when he’s angry and raging or just shouting, whatever is his method of intimidation. When he accuses you of doing xy or z, replace it with, I and me. This is his confession as to how he behaves. It’s no wonder you’re off sex. I can manage it at times,just, but it’s the kissing I find really hard to do without pushing him away or actually retching. Of course he knows you want to go, but he’s got you so tired, so very confused. Whatever you do don’t let him know you’re going, if you do decide to do so.He’s what’s called fishing just now, to see how far he’s pushed you. He’ll either ramp up the abuse or change tactics and become so nice and caring again. This is called the honeymoon period. Look up the cycle of abuse. No-one will tell you you have to do this this or this, as in force you into something you don’t want to do. Sometimes we do get frustrated at each other because obviously from the outside we can see clearly how he treats you but while you are in this FOG of abuse, you are always doubting and second guessing yourself. You have done extremely well in getting this far in your relationship considering ALL you have to endure. You have taken an enormous step firstly in posting on here and by realising deep down that you know what he is. That’s your first steps away from him. It is literally baby steps. Keep posting and reading others posts, I read others from every forum, I’ve been reading on the intent for nearly 2 years trying to make sense of why my oh hated me so much at times, then I found this forum. It has literally saved my life and my sanity. I got the key to my own flat recently through WA, there is light at the end of the tunnel,🤗 from where I was when I first started posting to the now, I’m almost back.
I don’t want to overload you with information. Get settled into the forum, digest what you’re being told and advised. again well done in finding the courage to push that submit button.💞 Some of your post may also be deleted, that’s because it will have some personal info which could be identifying.
Take care sweetheart, you have a secret weapon now, US.
IWMB 💞💞 -
Hello Getmylifeback,
I have been where you are and come out the other end.
Iwantmeback is totally right about us. When I had this battle I didn’t know about this forum and really thought I was the only person in the world going throough it, but sadly it happens to more of us than you think.Don’t want to overload you either, so will say one thing that looking back I wish I had been wise to:
Finances.
What happened to me was we had a joint back account. I managed all finances. And made the mistake of trusting my husband on this.
One day every single source of money he had put into an account with his name only on it.
He also concealed a large amount of money, which took me years to find out about.The reason I am saying all this is – it can happen very quickly. I didn’t want to believe it at the time, but actually abusers usually have a strategic plan of systematic cruelty. Yes, honestly. This means that it is like you are playing some sort of dark chess game, and you always, always need to be one step ahead.
So when we say ‘you need to get all your ducks in a row’ – we mean essential paperwork ready to leave, cash stashed away etc.
Yes, you wil be entitled to adequate funds from your marriage. But the legal ‘game’ can be long and tortuous – especially if he tries to continue to abuse you through the courts. Which is common. But forwarned is forearmed.
Well done for posting. Ladies on here will help greatly.
ftc
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if you read living with the dominator you will see that your husband is very much ‘king of the castle’ he expects you to wait on the family hand and foot so to speak. the book addresses different styles of abusers theres the bully the manipulative abuser some of them are a mix. unfortunately some men feel a sense od entitlement they believe that u and the kids are ‘his’ they own you. this is through upbringing and what society teaches them from birth really. entitled men that feel superior to women – as you know this is never the case because we are every bit as equal. we have the right not to be treated like this. the first step is to call womens aid – also keep a journal on his behaviour and learn about his behaviour. i read living with the dominator forst then why does he do that theres two books by lundy bancroft – when dad hurts mum contains everything you need to know with regards to child custody relating to this situation. it is all totally doable – i promise. tackle one thing at a time and you will be free of this, i didnt believe i would get to the end of this and get things sorted but i did and im here to tell the tale xx also for advice and any support take care
much love diymum
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Thank you all for replying.
Oh my god ive just googled the entitled bit and it is him to a tee.
I just feel so guilty at the moment as he seems to be trying hard but i still dont want anything to do with him. It gets so bad i feel like i cant breathe sometimes and feel like a gibberinv wreck.
When im at work i can be myself. I have (detail removed by moderator) which ive worked hard to get to where i am. Im on very good termd with senior management and i recently asked if id be able to get a £5k advance on my wages if and when i needed it and pay back at 100 a month and theyve agreed this so i know im not physically trapped.
I just dont know how the kids would take it. Without a doubt id have to move out with them. I woukd try to stick it out until i got house sorted but i know this would make him even more angry as it was pre empted.
I cant believe ill be starting again when i have friends paying mortgages off in ten years😪
Im also worried hell use the kids to get at me and take them away etc.
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Also check out the cycle of abuse, he might be in the honeymoon phase just now, if he’s being nicer. The secret to dealing with these men is to never underestimate them. Get your side of the relationship on record before he tries to lie and convince people to his version of it.habe you contacted your doctor, told them about how his behaviour makes you feel. Try and record him if it’s safe to do so. I have a few recordings now, hearing them,,, it’s enough to know I’m doing the right thing in leaving.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
Ill have a look at that thank you.
Not been to docs yet but will make an appointment.
Im away with my best friend (detail removed by Moderator), thanm god. he never stops me but obviously doesnt lije it. Ive sent kids to my parents as i know itd chuck him over the edge to look after them plus work and my parents understand.
We went to bed just after (detail removed by Moderator) last night and put my phone on silent as its not fair to wake my friend late. Wed been up early and walking all day.
I woke this morning to (detail removed by Moderator) missed calls from (detail removed by Moderator) night before and my stomach churned anx that weight became heavier as i knew id be in trouble. We went for a run at (detail removed by Moderator) anx i text him saying sorry had fallen asleep early and phone on silent.
He rang at (detail removed by Moderator) anx laid into me saying he nedded to talk to me and why hadnt i answered. I said id text him to explain and told him the same story again. I put phone on loux speaker so mate coulx hesr. When i came off phone she said its just not nofmal mate, look what hds doing to you, you nedd to get out.
Hearing if from hef made me feel better. -
Hi, I’m glad you found your way here, and that you have the support of your friend there. That’s great.
I’ve been where you are, his kisses became disgusting to me and I really couldn’t dredge up any emotion toward him any longer. I think we just burn out after minimising everything for so long. It’s good to wake up to his behaviours, but having to keep up the ‘front’ of still being the same wife is so very difficult once we have realised.
Keep moving forward with it though, he won’t change. He may love bomb you for a while as he feels you moving away from him, but sadly that’s pretence and he will revert to the bad behaviours.
He will threaten all sorts too, such as custody fights for example. Try to remember that’s all they are, threats. He can’t make any of the decisions as to where the children live, or what contact they have with him. That has to be done by you both, and lawyers/mediators if they’re involved. He may try some crazy making behaviour or to smear you. Remain calm and speak your truth. Breathe before reacting, and don’t give him any information.
Keep posting, we’re here for you throughout.
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Thank you EbonyRaven.
I have a plan i need to do…do you think this would be the correct way…
1) go to docs and put on file how im feeling and why
2) make appt with solicitor to find out where i stand
3) speak to parents to tell them what im doing
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4) sort paperwork, birth certs, passports, 5)decide on a day to tell him ive called it quits
6) try to stay put in house until i can get a rental place sorted. Worst case move to parebts but would be very difficult as they live (detail removed by Moderator) mins from my kids schoolIm terrified of the court and custody battle 😪
Hes going to be evil.
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Thanks diy mum. I appreciate any help.
Im not depressed, i can see clearly its him who makes me feel this way. When he was away recengly i felt free, it was amazing.
Ive tried womans aid but couldbt get through. Ill try again. Do they log everything on file and can this be used in evidence if need be?
Work is keeping me sane and ill need some time off when i move. Plus hed expect me ti be at home every day if i wasnt working. I dont want him to know how anxious i am as hell use it against me.
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Good list Getmylifeback, spot on. Diymum’s right, add speaking to your local domestic advice service to the list absolutely, and a great idea to speak to Rights for Women. They could save you a lot in solicitor’s fees by pointing you toward the right things to ask your solicitor to do.
I’m sure the question over whether the list was right was for us all Diymum. Your suggestions are really good ones, and your support is as needed as anyone else’s. Plus you have much more appropriate experience.
If you like listing (I do), I’d recommend a bullet journal. I’ve been using one lately and it’s been very cathartic. I get really creative with it. (in my own way, I’m not really very artistic lol). I use lots of silly stickers and sticky tabs, different colours etc. If you search engine bullet journal there are loads out there but don’t be put off by the ‘Instagram ready’ ones. It can be messy, like mine, and still work.
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list how the anxiety affects your life ie you can sleep, does this affect other aspects of your life like parenting, work it all has a dominoe effect – money worries, illness, absense. you have the right to normal life literally by law. i used witness statements from friends (he terrified some of them too in that he would blow up right infront of them) collectively they do add weight xx
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my advice would be collect ALL the evidence you can – from anyone who will help – a therapist can submit a dialouge between you if need be. womens aid can do a chexklist to see if your high risk. the main thing is dont minimise this to the professionals – we tend to be conditioned into doing this to keep the peace mainly – you dont have to now. i told the professional we were pettrified of him and that he was volatile and unpredictable – through custody i went as far as to mention homicide – because this happens every day to women – if they dont act i asked who is going to take responsibility xx
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