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New to the forum. This might take a lot of reading. I have been out of my situation for a few years now and I was only just an adult when I was in it. I’ve since moved on and found someone who is wonderful and understanding, we have been together a few years now and during that time, I have had a few triggers and flashbacks. I have never sought an official diagnosis of ptsd for a several reasons but I believe this is what the flashbacks are. When I have them, there is often always alcohol involved and I cannot get the ex out of my head, believing it is him in front of me. It’s incredibly difficult to separate the past from the present in those moments. In the past month, I have thought more about the ex because our song came on the radio, and it bought back all the memories and a lot of uncertainty and questions I had around certain moments with him. When I first met my current partner I was pushing him away for fear he would leave if I was triggered – this is because, after leaving the ex, my mental health was severely bad and my friend who I was confiding in ran away when I was first triggered and it made me feel horrendous. My current partner evidently didn’t leave, and hasn’t even when I have been triggered later down the line – this weekend just gone, with all the thoughts going through my mind with the ex, I was triggered again and I lashed out verbally and pushed him away because I’m scared he will run away. We sorted it out and we’re fine now, but the subsequent effect the argument has had is really tough. I am petrified that what I said in the argument has cut deep, and although we are fine and no more has been said about it, I feel tremendously upset. I know it is not my fault that I was triggered and I know my bf understands that too – he was amazing – but it is an anxiety I have that one day it will get too much for him end he will leave. I know we have been together for a few years now, and if he was going to, he would’ve left the first time, but because I was abandoned by my friend before, I can’t help but fear history repeating itself.
Does anyone else have these flashbacks or triggers? Does anyone else have these worries when they’ve had a trigger? I feel so alone and it would help to know it’s not just me.
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No it’s not Only you. What you’re going through is the trauma repeating itself because you haven’t dealt with it in your mind. The Body Keeps The Score is a good book about how we retain trauma. You really need Trauma counselling to get past this. To reconcile the past abuse with the present. Your mind is taking you back to the trauma because it’s trying to sort it out. You describe my PTSD including the feelings of paranoia and catastrophising. If you don’t want to go for treatment for yourself then use your partner As a reason because there absolutely is help out there and you absolutely don’t need to live this way. Start with your GP. So much more is know about trauma now x
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Lockdown has brought back old feelings for me too and I’ve heard from several people who have previously had mental health problems that lockdown has had the same effect. That could be why you’re going through this again now. Or have you had any recent contact with your abuser or heard about him. That too is triggering and zero contact is so very important x you also have the option of reporting his abuse to the police. Maybe not now as you need to sort yourself out and get well first but this is always an option. Taking back control really helped my PTSD. When I floundered it got worse and when I wasn’t in control of things it also got worse.
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KIP thank you. I did receive counselling for a few months from a service, but I terminated it as the counsellor during one of our sessions acted unprofessionally and shouted at me down the phone and I haven’t really recovered from that. I am aware I need help to identify my triggers and sort it all out I just don’t know where to start and with the backlog and mental health services being inundated I don’t know if the NHS is the right route to go down, I have been looking into private if possible. Thank you – I will definitely seek it for my partner as a motivation and I’m happy to read that it doesn’t have to be this way. I haven’t had contact for years I think it is the song that played that started it all. Plus I have unanswered questions and still doubts in my mind about certain things that happened with him. I think it’s because I was young when it happened. There were times when I didn’t say no in sexual scenarios because I felt like I wanted to impress him and it would keep him interested and “in love” with me if I did them – I didn’t want to and I was evidently uncomfortable- but I felt like I couldn’t say no. Stuff like this that makes me question myself. Thank you and I hope this doesn’t upset any body
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It’s not you and it never was you. Anyone would know if someone isn’t enjoying sexual contact but abusers don’t care. Was there a power imbalance which is quite common. A difference is age or life experience? They are like predators and seek out relationships they can be superior in. I know how bad counselling can put you off. One counsellor told me to talk to my abuser about a separation which nearly got me killed. Ending a relationship is the most dangerous time. It took me a long time to trust any medical person again. Check out the BACP website where you can have a look. Most offer a free introduction where you can get a feel for them. I agree about the NHS. I’m sure there are good NHS counsellors but the waiting list for me was 26 weeks. I had no choice but to go private. Make sure they are experienced in trauma and domestic abuse if you go private. You might want to look at the Freedom Programme through women’s aid or read Living with the Dominator. It’s taken me years to understand the abuse and how it was never my fault. Knowledge Is Power. KIP x
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Hi I noticed you said about going down the private route for counselling. This is what I’m potentially looking into. I called the National abuse helpline recently just to chat and the lady I spoke to said you can even negotiate a price with private therapy if they’re happy to do so. It’s worth asking x
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KIP Thank you. I was only just an adult and he was in his (detail removed by moderator) with his own place, full time job etc. That counsellor wasn’t right to tell you to do that – I’m glad you are okay now. I’ve had a small look at freedom programme but wasn’t able to attend any groups, I don’t think they would happen now with Covid…. I’ve had your words all day in my head that life doesn’t have to be like this. Strong words. Thank you
gettingtired I might look back at private counselling and see if I can figure something out. Thank you for the tip.
Feeling a bit better today, I’ve approached a local well-being service to try and help. Still feeling so vulnerable. Think it’s one day at a time
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