Food

[Newbeginnings1234]

Hi, I’m sure people are probably fed up of seeing so many posts from me, but I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about any of this. Over the last couple of months I haven’t been eating properly as I don’t get any enjoyment from it anymore, I basically just eat to survive. I’ve realised that it’s probably because when I was still with my ex he used to use food as a reward to make me do what he wanted (writing essays for him, sleeping with him, getting down on my knees and begging him to let me buy food, waking me up in the middle of the night to do the food shopping, etc.). He’d also take food away if I did something he didn’t like by refusing to take me food shopping or eating half of my food whenever I made anything to eat. When I first left I started eating more and I enjoyed eating as I was finally able to buy food whenever I wanted it, but then the novelty wore off and now I feel guilty whenever I buy food as I feel like I haven’t earned it. I don’t feel guilty about eating it, just buying it. I feel like I don’t deserve it because I haven’t done anything to earn it, or spent hours arguing over it. It sounds stupid, but I used to see going food shopping as a reward and I used to look forward to it, but now I hate going food shopping and I buy pretty much the same things every time. Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can start to enjoy food again?

[hop]

It doesn’t sound stupid at all. I still can’t choose a chair to sit in in any given situation because it will be wrong. If I were you I’d fill the cupboards with all the stuff you used to love. Give yourself little rewards for say making a phonecall you didn’t really want or even getting up and getting dressed before a certain time give yourself a treat. If you keep doing it then hopefully after a while you will feel like you deserve it. I don’t know but you definitely do deserve nice things xx

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, I’ll try doing that xx

[Cecile]

Hi, please don’t ever think you are making people fed up by posting. You seem to be a lovely, sensitive parson and you have endured great trauma. What you have described above has made me cry for you. How awful, what a bad evil n********c man you endured. I am glad you survived. It seems he has conditioned you most abusively in regards to food. Can you see a. GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist? I don’t know what services are like in your area. Also follow the good advice given by the last reply to your post.

Do you find it easy to eat around others? Perhaps eating socially with friends or family, one step at a time, can help you. I wish you well, brave lady.xx

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thanks Cecile, I went to my GP a few weeks ago and he said that he thought I might have PTSD, so I was referred to an anxiety and depression service, but my first appointment isn’t until next month and it’s just an assessment, so I don’t know how long the waiting list will be if they offer me any other appointments. I do find it a bit easier to eat around other people, I don’t have any friends or family nearby but I’ll be with family over Christmas so maybe it will be a bit easier then x

Thank you IWMB, my ex was the same way, he would buy unhealthy food for himself but would get angry whenever I bought it for him, saying he was on a diet. You’re right about him conditioning me to think that I’m being selfish, I don’t even text friends as I don’t want to get on people’s nerves. At least on here I know that people will only reply if they want to, I don’t feel like I’m forcing people to talk to me when they don’t want to x

[Iwantmeback]

I can’t even begin to know how this man has made you feel. Our own abusers act in such despicable ways, but sometimes one of them jyst breaks the mould. My oh wasn’t as extreme with regards to food but I found when I was happier I’d reward myself with good healthy foods but when struggling around him my diet as such was awful. If he didn’t have his crisps, icecream, biscuits etc, my life was hell,yet it was hell when I also bought him them as well, as he had dietary problems. Just take it slowly, @freedomfries1 advice is really very good 💞
And don’t ever think you’re posting too much. They’ve conditioned us to such an extent, that even doing this seems selfish doesn’t it?
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Cecile]

Keep posting, let it rip, get it all out. You need to tell people. We all have our heads manipulated by them to greater and lesser extents. Yours does seem extreme about food but my abuser used money to extremes. My oh has relatives who control the food of those around them as you have described what you have experienced. I am actually worried about the spouse and children of this relative. The have also forced me to weigh myself in front of them as a group, several times. (I am overweight but not overly concerned as I have bigger things to worry about at the mo.). Therefore you are not alone, looks like your abuser has just settled on the food thing as his choice of abusive and controlling behaviour. Remember they are very conscious of what they do and they CHOOSE and DECIDE how to abuse their victims. I have been denied a bed, heat, sanitary arrangements. He has taken our money and denied me access. He has refused me medical treatment or to assist when I had extreme injuries. It has taken me decades to see him as the abusive g*t that he is.Even today he has manipulated me into saying I would collect him after a medical procedure, even though I do not want to. He doesn’t need collecting he could drive home.The conditioning and mind control is pervasive. The first and most important solution is to tell, ventilate the feelings, express your rage and get listened to and validated. How dare he deprive you and torture you using basic human sustenance as a
weapon against you.I think in time you may want to have a talk with the police as he has clearly abused you in the most disgusting way, with long term consequences that you are now feeling.

Recovery is in small steps. Find your allies, create a tribe. Eat with others and keep looking for help. It usually takes a package of bits and pieces from several agencies or professionals, and you will need patience. Above all, keep posting. What you have to say is so important. Get angry, get heard!xxxxxx

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you Cecile, I already went to the police as there was also physical and sexual abuse and he continued to harass me for months after I left. They interviewed both of us but said that there wasn’t enough evidence to do anything (I kept a record of everything that happened over the last 6 months of the relationship but they wouldn’t even look at it). He’s now making the divorce as difficult as possible because he’s angry that I went to the police. The way your partner is treating you is horrible, nobody should have to go through that, I hope you manage to leave soon. Thank you for such a kind reply, I didn’t think anyone would care xx

[maddog]

We’re all in the same boat, Newbeginnings! PTSD is a common result of domestic abuse. I’m on a waiting list as well. I think our mental health services are now more like a broken elastic band and it’s really difficult to get help through the NHS. Have you been in touch with Rape Crisis? Your local Women’s Aid may run groups as well as the Freedom Programme. It’s really hard to have to re-learn from the ground upwards.

My ex was livid that I’d been to the police. He maintained that I’d made false allegations against him. Oddly this never came up in court. He has made plenty of false allegations against me. The reality of an abuser is so warped and distorted and not based on evidence. Well done for keeping a diary. It’s important to maintain it.

Well done for going to the police. They should provide a gateway to other support. It sounds as though you met with a lazy officer. It’s not unusual that the police can take No Further Action in cases of domestic abuse. It’s all so covert.

My ex decided to take control of the divorce. I really didn’t care what he said about me. I just wanted rid of him.

Keep reaching out. There are lots of people and organisations to help you through this.

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thanks Maddog, I’ve been in touch with Rape Crisis but their waiting list is over a year long. I’ve just finished the Freedom Programme online as they don’t offer it in my area, but I didn’t find it very helpful to be honest. I’ve signed up to a support group that starts next month though, my local Women’s Aid were really unhelpful so hopefully the support group will be helpful. In terms of the divorce, I’m now basically just doing whatever he wants so that it’s over as quickly as possible and so he doesn’t take me to court x

[Fudgecake]

It’s a sad state of affairs when you hear the waiting list with Rape Crisis is over a year long. Sometimes I despair…
I’m glad you’re making positive steps towards recovering Newbeginnings. Keep going and stay strong! x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you x

[maddog]

The Freedom Programme meant much more to me in person with other women who had experienced domestic abuse. When it’s just you and the computer it can be difficult to put behaviours into a context and understand how they affect you. There are lots of videos on Youtube about n**********c abuse which you may find helpful. Most abusers share narccisstic traits and they all follow a pattern. It’s far better to keep out of court if you can. My ex lied in mediation so we couldn’t do that. He lied in court as well. He is incapable of recognising reality if it bit him.

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thanks, I’ll have a look on Youtube. I think I would have found the Freedom Programme more helpful if I went to a group, as I would have been able to discuss it with other people, but the closest one is over an hour away from me so I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I’m trying to avoid going to court. The only reason he wants to defend the divorce is to upset me. We don’t own a house, have kids or have any joint finances, and I’m not asking for anything from him, the only thing I want is to not be married to him anymore. He only wants to defend it because he doesn’t agree with the examples of unreasonable behaviour that I gave and he knows it would completely destroy me if I was forced to be in the same room as him x

[Cecile]

You are a very strong and very brave woman. Superior in every way to the despicable miserable entity who abused you. You seem very logical and insightful. 🙏

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you xx

[Escapee]

Hi,

It sounds like you have been through hell!

I can’t add much more to the wonderful support you’ve had from the other ladies.

We have been conditioned to believe any thing for us is selfish and undeserved. My therapist is always asking ‘what do you need right now?’ – this has become my mantra when I feel lost, indecisive and I’m questioning myself. This is helping me to understand, recognise and acknowledge my needs – it may help you too.

Regarding therapy, contact an established therapist in your area and ask if they are able to apply for funding to enable you to access therapy with them. In my area this is available and I am having regular therapy at a very reduced price.

I hope this helps a little. Sending you hugs xx

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, I’m seeing a counsellor at the moment, which I’m paying for, but my GP said that it might be better to have CBT instead of counselling. But maybe I’ll see if there are any therapists that can offer me CBT without having to wait to see someone on the NHS xx

[Nev@Und@Estim8]

Hi there beautiful. Such awful trauma to have gone through and the after affects are terrible. My hearts with you.

I am now (removed by moderator) years free from my abuser and was curled up in a ball in bed staring at the wall with PTSD solidly for 8 months. I had strange behavioural habits that lingered for a while. I would shout at people for even making me a cup of tea because it felt like I was being controlled. With time you will start to find yourself again.

We have to recognise that we have negatively conditioned by repetitive controlling behaviour. Personally I felt like if my abuser was an object he would be one of those sewing stitch un-pickers. Unpicking the fabric of the put together well adjusted happy person I was bit by bit. Surviving and moving forward is about having to sew yourself back together again.

I’m a big believer in positive affirmations as a means to re-brain washing yourself positively. The opposite of what they did to us. It’s not an overnight thing because neither was unstitching you. If you aren’t familiar with positive affirmations it’s simply “food is really good for me and I enjoy eating” ”I’m happy eating foods that are good for me and fill me with positive energy” “I’m free and can eat what I like, whenever I like”, Affirmations should always be “I’m happy eating food…” not “I want to be able to be happy to eat food”. Write a big list down, put them somewhere to read at least 3 times a day and especially before shopping. Your brain is just a big computer where a dodgy programmer took control of the keyboard. affirmations are just you re-programming the negative input to override it. Your eating habits can also be born of depression so talking to your GP is important.

I have been told that rapid eye movement therapy is really effective for trauma and PTSD so it might be worth looking into. Also EFT is low cost and effective and Reiki is great if you need to feel more at peace with yourself and need help with worry.

You keep moving forward lady. You’re a warrior!

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, I like the idea of positive affirmations. I feel like I’m usually quite negative towards everything so that might help. My GP mentioned EMDR as well, so I’ll look into that too xx

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