For those who left, who do you tell?

[Janedoeissad]

When someone asks you about your relationship with your Ex. Do you freely tell them that he was abusive or not?

My counsellor asks me why I do not tell anyone, not even people at work. If I am honest its because I am scared people will down play it. Or worse tell me it wasn’t abuse.

What experiences have you had with telling people? Part of me wants to raise awareness of domestic abuse and hopefully help someone else who is in the same situation by telling my story but a large part of me does not want to be judged, ridiculed or made to feel I caused it.

[White Rose]

I’ve told people and it’s not been a problem. Some don’t understand the types of abuse and assume he hit me so I usually have to explain the full picture.
I’ve generally found a lot of support. I also found a couple of people who’d also left relationships through abuse and were years ahead of me and very positive about life which was really reassuring.
If people start blaming you or judging you walk away. You don’t need people like that in your life.

[Sunflowersandstars]

I haven’t told anyone either- maybe a couple of hints here and there to closer friends/work colleagues but I’ve only spoken more openly with one friend who wasn’t someone I was friends with until after the relationship ended but had met a few times through my ex. I would be too scared of being asked loads of questions when I just don’t feel ready to talk about it.
SaS

[cupofcoffee]

White Rose – I have had the same experience, when I started telling people a few bits from my past I was amazed at the number of women who said they had left abusive relationships too and were supportive, there are loads of us out there and I think that the more of us who speak out the more you don’t feel so alone.

And if anyone judges or downplays abuse (and there are not many), then walk away, it is their problem if they don’t understand.

[Tiffany]

If I don’t want to go into details I tend to say that he was controlling, rather than abusive. Everyone seems to get that and understand why I left. If you say abuse you tend to have to have a longer conversation. I almost always say controlling to older people, because I can’t do with them questioning what I mean by abuse. Younger people seem generally more clued in and accepting. Older people seem to question whether it was really bad enough to label abuse, worry that I am seeing myself as a victim etc. It can be rather frustrating!

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks all.

I have told my closest friends and family members but that’s it.

I am a little bit fed up of hiding it. I do want to be honest and I think by saying he was controlling, that would be the right amount of detail for me. I am a little wary of being asked questions I am not ready to answer.

I did tell one person and they kind of inferred that he might just be mentally unwell. However, they are quite clearly in a very abusive relationship and have been for many years so that might be why she would be unwilling to accept that I was in an abusive relationship.

My counsellor has never been in any doubt of his abusiveness and hammers home how abusive he was. So the fact a complete stranger gets it straight away, has been very helpful.

Part of me feels that if I am more open about it, I might not fear anyone finding out, so I’d feel more free? Or it might help the healing process a bit.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there, thanks for this thread, I am really glad to be able to talk about this as I have struggled with it and sometimes still do.

I guess it is very personal. I like the option of ‘controlling’ and wish I had thought of this before.

In the main, if I could wind back the clock – to when we first arrived here x years ago me and my babes – I would have been more cautious about telling people. Particularly in my place of worship.

This may have a lot to do with me but I have had to fight so many stereotypes of being the struggling, lone parent victim – if I hadn’t told anyone I feel I would have had an easier time of it.

Often it kind of split me in two, you know, what I have had to do would defeat the emotional resources of your average person, let alone with a child. I had to be strong often and it would kind of lead to that thing ‘she doesn’t need any support’ –

or I would get jaws dropping when I told people even the short version of the story…

I know what you mean about wanting to raise awareness…I guess it is a process. Some days I deal with it better than others…

[Anonymous]

I kept it quiet for months, even from close friends and family. Eventually, I started telling people. Every single one has been supportive. I’m not out yet, but I don’t think I could have carried on mentally without telling people. I’ve done nothing wrong, although he blames me for everything, of course, so why should I cover up for him?

[Clockwatcher]

Hi everyone this is my first post and first of all I’d like to say how much I’m getting from reading everyone’s stories and realising I’m not the only one going through this and I’m not nuts or blowing things out of proportion. I split from my ex several months ago but still rely on him to look after our very young son while I’m at work, however this has just empowered my ex to continue his controlling behaviour over me. I have recently decided that I now need to have zero contact with him and have told him that contact with his son will have to be done through a contact centre now. But I am now faced with telling my employer as I’m going to have to change my working hours. I have the same anxieties as janedoeissad that it will be played down or not taken seriously or even worse that my employer might not be able to accommodate the hours I can do now. I know this is something I need to do but I’m terrified. My self esteem is rock bottom and I’m so worried I will be judged or ridiculed. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to get into this situation.

[BlueGray]

I had to tell my employer because of my work they’d have found out anyway.
They have been extremely supportive and given me so much leniance allowing me to access solicitors and support.
Just do it, usually there are work place policies to protect you and for them to read up if unsure.
Good luck, I felt so embarrassed but now it’s just what it is, I feel so much better now I have some extra people to lean on in touch times. It amazed me how many professionals are in the same boat. All walks of life. This is not our fault xx

[Twisted Sister]

I have been wondering about this a bit recently myself and I know I have kept many abusers’ secrets not just the last one, and its all been about the fear of consequences of telling. I havbeen to terrified of escalating abuse in each instance, which is why they get away with it and their abuse works, but I still keep quiet about a lot of it, and that I fear it was my fault.

This is at the core of abuse.

[Twisted Sister]

I lost all friends and contacts when we had to leave and its case by case as to who will listen and understand and who will not.

In NZ they now have employment law that gives 10 days off work for DA, like companies havvto here for death of close family, without question..we need this to give women confidence in beinbbelieved.

[fridges]

Very rare I will share this part, I keep this to my therapist, here and when getting in advice how to keep myself safe and learn about the law.
In family I told my mother and my sister – but never had really conversation about it, neither they ask me how i’m doing. It is the way things are in my family, this habit to brush all under the carpet.
And if you say, make it announce, everyone will carrying on like it did not exist, or they just do not want to deal with it.
Not long ago – I had a conversation to my mother, that my stepfather tried to molest me as a teenage, I rushed to her work and I told her about it, what he tried to do to me. I was old enough to know this is not right, and confronted him, he beat me that day instead.
She just sent me away from her work, we will talk about it when I will be back to home. At home – I told her again, what happened, she said to me, it is my imagination and it can not be, that he would never do that. She never wanted to hear about it. Do not tell me nonsense.
Shortly after I have to look for the ways to leave the house and try to look after myself.
When I talked about it with her recently, she does not remember it. You do not remember it, but I do. He tried not only to me, but to my (Detail removed by Moderator) girlfriends, touching them, we were only (Detail removed by Moderator) years old. I told her, they remember it about it. If you do not believe me that it what he is, then you should go and ask them. Even on that day, being an adult and tell her one more time again, she went into denial.
My mum just do not want to see these things, and she goes in denial in her own head. And my behaviour was just like that for a long time, this is why I ended up, where I ended up.
I do not have many people to whom I can say about it.
I said to my best friend that I was raped by second abuser. She said I never imagined that it was happening to you, she gave me support. But it is not what we will be talking again and again.
Then i said to my other friend who lives in other country, and this friend limited the contact with me, could be that it is not what people want to talk about it, or to be involved in.
I’m also careful with whom to share, as you do not want people to judge you based on what was done to you and what you have been through, also you do not want to have the reminders once you come out. There are already plenty of triggers which upset you.
From my experience – since the young age, I was blamed for my first rape, it was my faults. And other worse things which happened to me, I was also blamed. I was called stupid, that I should have stopped it, or do something, or it is all my doing.
What a child could have done in my situation? Actually nothing. There were no way I could have protected myself.
I carried this baggage with me for a long long time, I’m glad that I’m slowly freeing myself from these scars which was done by people who are cruel. And cruelty is beyond the description.
I’m still afraid to share too much and it is new to me.

[Twisted Sister]

The people to tell that will act are the police, fridges. I am so sad to hear your childhood was intruded upon in the way, and whether your mother wants to hear it or not, its a crime and the police should be arresting him for peodophile acts. There will be many other children I’m sure, and further still at risk all the while he is free to actin this way.

[fridges]

@twistedsister
It happened in other country. (Detail removed by Moderator)
I know it is a crime, it had effected all my life up till recently.
I can see the chain of events, how they followed and why they followed.
For every women is important to find the root of starting point. Usually at brings you to childhood.
With my last abuser I did the log – and if I will be ready to step and give the full statement, if I will be ready for it. Here is his name and if he will do this to other women, it will come up.
To be honest emotionally I’m not ready for it.

[everythingwillworkout]

I tend to say, “manipulative”, “controlling”(Detail removed by Moderator) – as the a word is loaded and some people are sometimes judgemental, even though when you actually talk to people – most of them have been in abusive relationship – they just don’t realise that that toxicity is abuse! Plus, using those words can be a ‘tester’ or an opener to see other people’s reactions or to open them up to share their own stories. I certainly wouldn’t tell just about anyone, not at work for sure, only people who I thought may get it or be empathic – that’s just good self care I think. Your counsellor is a bit off for suggesting you just mention it all over the shop…

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