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I have been out of the abusive relationship now for (detail removed by moderator) and it has been such a difficult rollor coaster even after leaving. My young daughter and I live alone and in secret for fear he will find us. I work, am studying a degree part time and my daughter is still very young not yet at school so there is barely a minute to stop and think. But when I do I feel so completely overwhelmed that I can feel so alone. Hiding from him is still not living life properly but I’m too scared of the alternative that he might try to take my daughter. Being a single parent is isolating at the best of times but when you have to be invisible it is even harder. I put a brave face on at work and in front of my daughter of course but sometimes when she goes to bed all I can do is cry. I have one good friend I confide in but I don’t want to burden him wirh my troubles all the time because its not fair on him. Plus Its nice to pretend sometimes it isn’t so bad. I’m so emotionally exhausted I just need a break but my daughter needs me and I’m well and truly on my own. I genuinely feel there was no good in the world destined for me (as self pitying and sickening that sounds I don’t mean to sound so selfish). But I really hope that’s not true, my girl deserves better and I do think it’s about time something lovely happened in our lives, no more pain please. Just really struggling this week.
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Just wanted to send s 🤗 hug. I’m sorry you’re having a bad week but on a positive note you’re still working. Very well done. You’re a single parent. Really difficult. Away from family and friends extremely difficult so be very kind to yourself. Your building a new and better life for you both. Have you looked into the legal opetions. Removing his parental responsibility because of the abuse? Don’t give up. You’re doing great ❤️
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Thank you, usually I keep it together and am strong but I just can’t stop crying today and can’t get myself up from the bottom. I know I will, I do each time I just wish there was another way without the ups and downs. Went to womens aid this morning, usually they are incredibly helpful but today the person I saw was unforgiving and dismissive. She asked why on earth I moved back if I was going to have to live in secret. When you bare all to someone, for them to retort with that is quite upsetting. I left because I was isolated and I’m trying to rebuild my old life before my ex-partner destroyed it. Just need to ‘man up’ and get on with things I suppose as always.
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Legally apparently I could try but it means a long legal battle and the lawyer suggested not to ‘poke a sleeping bear’ as he will not play by the roles. One day I hope though, she suggested time was the best thing to prove he does not want or deserve her as his child on top of his behaviour… After all, it’s my word against his unfortunately. Thanks though ❤️
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Hi there,
It dosent feel it but its really healthy for you emotionally to cry. Ive cried buckets in dealing with fighting alone and trying to be the best mum I could be whilst being single. Its the hardest job in the world and one of the most important ones. Your doing so well 🙂 god bless you xx DIY -
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Ignore the women from women’s aid. I was once told by someone on the helpline that I was only upset because I was jealous (he had been cheating on me). Floored me for weeks. Kept popping into my mind causing doubts. We are the best judge of our own situation. Please don’t let her comments upset you and drag you back down. These people are human too x
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🙂 remember things in your life change and with that things will improve. I met someone new after quite a long time being on my own. He’s really supportive and I think I might have found my soul mate xx If I hadn’t been single and gotten out of that horrible relationship I wouldn’t have met him. Not that its about having 2 adults and 2.4 children. Try to make the most of your time with your wee one making memories they grow up so fast xx I know its not easy xx
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Your right of course KIP, a broken loving home is better than an abusive one. Just a lonely life sometimes is all. Your right too of course about all people (even womens aid) being human too, it’s just difficult to rule out the thought that ‘maybe I am doing the wrong thing’. I know it was right to move back though, we have more opportunities here, it will get better. Thank you ❤️
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When my ex was first arrested I was offered a place in a refuse and advised to think about moving town. I resolved then to make a stand in my own home. Surrounded by friends, family and neighbors who supported me. The thought of hiding and moving somewhere with no support in place was far more detrimental to my health than standing my ground. It was terrifying and I even moved wheelie bins under my window in case I had to jump out. With hindsight I believe I did the right thing. Either way it was going to take a huge toll on my mental health. For me, being in a familiar town, my home where I knew every creak and my family close by. A police marker and bail conditions helped. We just have to do what we feel is right for us as individuals. The anxiety levels get less and less and we slowly rebuild friendships and make new opportunities for ourselves but it takes time. Perhaps look at some local clubs. Find other mums to share babysitting. But also just concentrate on yourself and healing. I don’t recognise the woman I was even six months ago. I bet if you look back you will see how far you have come. In fact that’s a quote “only ever look back to see how far you have come” ✊️
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Hi Alba, bring on here is like having a very close knit family. I’m like you to, i have no best friend or even friends. I know people, but my oh didn’t caused me not to have friends, it was just three ones i chose were needy or manipulative so i decided a long time before him not to have anyone. When we first met i had a close circle of friends two in particular were great. But once my marriage ended and my oh moved in, the relationships fizzled out. One woman moved away and i was busy setting up a new home, going to college, bringing up younger children, abd the other one ended to. But he did have his input into them, looking back he was always saying negative stuff about them, how they never came to my new house, i always ‘ran after them’. I miss those lassies 😔 iv know if i tried to rekindle the friendship, he’d definately prevent it in someway.
There’s ALWAYS a shred of us, somewhere inside. You hang on to her, she’ll get stronger and stronger. We are our own knights in shining armour 💜
IWMB 💕💕 -
Hi everyone ☺
I was watching peaky blinders last night and the penny dropped for me. The mafia are after the shelby family for revenge. The Italian leader of the group tells him i will be killing you last my mother always said the most extreme way of hurting someone is to take all that they love away. So abusers do the the same and the insidious thing is they conciously have registered this. My ex attacked my dad tried to black mail him, threw objects at the wall when friends came to the house. He even threatened to tell my mum who is ill that my dad was having a affair.My pardnts were 80 at the time.Why because this is the best Way to hurt us. Isolation and also having hide from them doesn’t help. The laws on harassment definitely need to be tighter and recognised in DV xx 💕 DIY
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I agree DIYMUM, my ex went for my jugular every time, my child, my home, my fear of him. There is no reasoning with them. All we can do is protect ourselves the best we can and advise other women what hell contact brings. There is no empathy and everyone and everything is collateral damage to them. I refused to involve our son, he had been through so much. Not my ex. Front row with our poor child who was just traumatised. Despicable people.
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KIP 💕 Your one strong lady, we’ve had no choice it’s sink or swim. I hope the law changes enough to impose no contact all round, especially child contact. My hope it becomes mandatory. This journey has finally lead me to something it would have before. I’m going to apply for uni my end goal to be a trauma counsellor. My family are supporting me and I cant wait to help at least a few people like us x*x 💪❤
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You’d probably make a good job of this type of work your one astute lady KIP xx 💕
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I’d love to but I’m still extremely triggered. I’ve been working raising awareness and changing government policy and that of organisations that deal with victims. I really admire women who can work directly with victims and survivors. I would just crumble. But I’m good at persistence and lobbying. Pester power. I never thought I’d be able to do what I do. I was so broken by the abuse but it’s part of my recovery and I don’t want my experience of domestic abuse to be wasted. After all I have lots of experience lol. We all have such inner strength. We just need to focus it in the right direction x
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That’s amazing ☺well I haven’t even started yet, my triggers are lessening but still there a little. What are you lobbying? I’d love to get more involved I’ve joined the WA champions. In my will I’m leaving money to WA they’re such a god send have saved me and my daughter really 💖x*x DIY
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A non harrassment order with every conviction of domestic abuse. New procedures in court to keep perpetrators away from victims. Trauma therapy to be given regardless of ongoing criminal proceedings. And the list goes on…… basically correcting all the dreadful things that happened to me. You would be surprised how much of a voice victims actually have when they’re able to speak up x
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Hi KIP, as DIY says you’re one awesome, astute lady. Your replies to me have helped no end, so from me to you, thank you so much.
I’m like you, as I’m going down the political route too. Don’t know if i could do counselling but who knows what’s around the corner🙂 never say never.
I want a step by step guide to help survivors navigate the red tape, the advice is out there, but it should be in a go to type booklet so you don’t feel as if it’s draining the strength out of you at every turn. We all know how difficult it is to phone one person, imagine if that one phone call opened every door for you, without you feeling as if it’s one step forward 10 back..Have a great evening lovely lady, peace be with you.
IWMB 💕💕
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I had thought of a buddy system. I’d be happy to buddy a new victim through the court and legal side. Accompany her to solicitors appointment. Knowing how abusers work and solicitors waste time and money on trying to negotiate. Getting the correct benefits, knowing the housing laws. I know women’s aid help with a lot of this but they’re really stretched and they often don’t have the experience that we as victims have. Kind of like Alcoholics Anonymous. She could ring me when she felt low. Eventually, hopefully she would be strong enough to mentor someone new. And on and on……
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That’s a great idea. I always felt if we unite as women we can do so much more pushing forward. I really hope the situation improves in our life time xx Let’s make it happen ☺💕💜💪
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Brilliant idea @KIP. Love to you. Xx
IWMB 💕💕
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Love to you all x*x✌💕💕and power to us xx😊
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