Forgive your rapist?

[Blustar]

I’ve come along way since leaving my (detail removed by moderator) year abusive relationship (detail removed by moderator) years ago. Im now faced with a dilemma. It seems that in order to move on I should forgive my ex for all of his abuse including rape. I don’t know if I can. What are others experiences or feelings. It never went (detail removed by moderator) as it took a long time for me to acknowledge a sexual assault as rape.

[KIP.]

I reported the rapes to the police. There is no time limit to report sexual assault and for me it was my way of holding him accountable and he’s the problem of the police now, he’s on their radar. I truly believe that once a rapist always and rapist and now if another woman comes forward she will have my statement as corroboration. That was a way of closure for me on that front. As for forgiving him, nope. I don’t see why I should. I don’t think about him. He’s not worth any thoughts of mine. If anything I pity him now. It’s upto you how you feel. I won’t forgive him but I’m also not held back by that. I just think good riddance to bad rubbish. He’s someone else’s problem now.

[KIP.]

Who told you that in order to move on you need to forgive him? Sounds like advice from someone who hasn’t been raped. You will know what you need to do to move on in your own time, at your own pace. I feel better with every year that passes x

[HunkyDory]

Sorry but whoever is telling you that is pretty inexperienced I think. Agree with KIP, you forgive IF and when YOU are ready. And that might be never. I’ll never forgive my husband for what he did to me. It might get less painful over time but forgiveness is another matter. You take your time and don’t feel you “have” to forgive because that to me sounds like nonsense. You’ve come a long way, and doing well by the sounds of it, it’s all on your terms now, no one else’s. Xx

[diymum@1]

im not sure who suggested this but this is difficult one. i do believe a rapist should get a life sentence it is the most dispicable thing anyone can do. i could only forgive for my own sake if i knew there was a drastic consequence for the offender. i do believe these men should not be allowed back into society. forgiveness is a weird one i have given it some thought and im not religious but i know this is how we are supposed to heal? im not there yet but i will one day forgive i will never forget and i never want to see him ever again in my life but only for me i will forgive xxxx hope ive not gone of track here xx i think the context off who said this to you is a huge factor xx

[AlwaysSorry]

For me, forgiveness is closely tied to remorse/admission of wrong doing. My ex couldn’t even say sorry. His “apologies” were always something along the lines of “Sorry shouldn’t have done that but you didn’t laugh at my joke of how you are a stupid, fat c***” or something similar.

I’m not going to forgive him.

I struggle enough with forgiving myself for the things I had to do to survive his abuse.

I don’t think you should have to do anything that you are uncomfortable with x

[Anonymous]

i agree with the ladies i could never forgive any form of abuse. nobody had the right to take something without permission ever. i have experienced this abuse in past relationships which lead to never being able to have children. this is not the reason why im on here its the recent abusive relationship is reason why im here. but this is something i could and never will forgive as itit has impacted massively on my life. so again no you dont have to forgive him. x

[EbonyRaven]

This is an old chestnut that I see on all sorts of posts about abuse. What gets tangled here is the emotional colloquial meaning of forgive as it is widely understood; i.e. Start thinking they deserve compassion and what they did to you was ok; and the actual definition of forgiveness.

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offences.

Basically, as KIP says, you can work toward a place where the abuser doesn’t deserve to be in your thoughts, and you don’t waste your own time in thinking about what they did to you. It’s not easy, and it takes a long time, longer for some than others.

You don’t have to say what he did was OK. It wasn’t. You don’t have to say he doesn’t deserve punishment. He does. What you are doing is to allow yourself to say Pah! you don’t deserve my time, my emotion and my thought, you are nothing now so that the anger doesn’t punish you. You don’t deserve to be punished.

Hope that makes sense. Time will help.

xx

[Teri]

The advice you’ve been given to forgive in order to move on sounds worthy but is utter nonsense.

Being compelled to do something you don’t feel ready to do isn’t going to help you move on from being made to do something you didn’t want to do! What on earth were they thinking?!

I will never forgive my rapist; I will not give him that gift because to take away his sin would, for me, be to concede consent. But neither will I give him any more of my life. Time heals – it really does – if you give yourself the space and support you need to allow it.

That said, I’m intrigued by KIPs advice and think it’s a great idea to report your rape to the police as this could certainly help his next victim (because there will be a next victim).

[fizzylem]

Maybe forgive yourself for being unable to forgive? Would that release you from feeling you should forgive? Maybe tell yourself I’ll come back to it if and when I need to? If I feel something keeps tripping me up or pulling me back in. Could you tell yourself it’s really not important to me to forgive? Or ask what do I hope to gain from doing so.

Or maybe it’s about recognising I can put him out of mind and he no longer effects me and this is enough? This is all I need.

Different people deal with things in different ways hey. We’ve all heard of a news story where the parents have forgiven their child’s murderer for example; if you’re keen to follow through on whether fogiveness is something you want/need then maybe do a bit of research on these parents – find out how they forgave? Could show you the way and help you decide if it is or is not for you. Having explored this may bring you peace in the knowing you have considered it.

I think in general it is probably better for the heart to forgive than not to – because it only effects your heart and the people you come into contact with and ‘never’ him – so I get why some people do; admire this as well if I’m honest as it’s not within me – yet, if ever. To accept we are all human with flaws I imagine releases us from anger, pain and judegments etc inside, when we feel this way about others, now and again this can back fire and we can turn on the self in the same way or be even harsher; so in theory, to be that person that can forgive everyone that has ever wronged us or those we love – is to also be a true free soul.

I also imagine there is something of value that comes from an exchange in saying to the perpetrator or the murderer ‘I forgive you’, something empowering – and a shift can occur on both sides for both people – I know in some cases it can leave the criminal wanting to live a better life (in some cases) x

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