Freaked out

[Anonymous]

I’ve worked to get support for my lo at school because I know that losing her friend from the refuge was tough, as in has no one who knows what she was going through.
They changed the counsellor without telling me and she just asked if I could come into a meeting with her and ex-h.
I completely freaked out and couldn’t breathe. This woman clearly had no idea what we had left behind, which is good because it means that maybe things are settling for lo. But also left me feeling alone and like (detail removed by Moderator) that the idea of being forced to sit in a meeting with ex terrifies me.
I can sit near him at school awards ceremonies where I know I don’t have to talk to him but he’s started sending me messages that we should do things as a family again, as if I hadn’t gone through years of hell and fought to put myself back together again afterwards.
I really thought I was doing welll, but I’m also being bullied at work about not being from here, as if that was my choice and I’m so so scared of everything toppling like a tower of cards.

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi freedoms, I had a similar experience with my son’s counsellor at school. Unfortunately they are just not well-trained in domestic abuse. It was only when I accidentally ended up coming into contact with my ex at the school one day that they truly appreciated my levels of fear and took our safety more seriously. I’m now able to enjoy going to my son’s school safely again. Don’t let them pressurise you into feeling/being unsafe. Whenever my ex starts sending messages I have my solicitor remind him that it’s not acceptable. I know it’s expensive but worth every penny for my peace of mind and regaining feeling in control. As for the bully at work, some people seem to have radar for vulnerability and can’t help but take advantage. Try to keep away and remember it’s not personal. Don’t doubt yourself, the foundations you have built are undoubtedly firmer than you think xx

[older lady]

Hi. Can you speak with your local Women’s Aid, or domestic abuse advisory service to get some advice about how to approach this with your daughter’s counsellor? I just don’t think its a good idea at all. You have the right to put boundaries in place which you feel safe with and to keep these in place. My daughter’s father suggested ‘family togetherness for the sake of the child’ but what it was actually about was him getting back in control and further abuse. Your employer may have a policy they follow for workplace bullying. I think you will be doing well, its just that its difficult to feel like it at the time, but you’ll see it in hindsight. xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you both. The school knows what the situation is, but it was really hard to hear this woman say we should have a little meeting and putting the onus on me to tell ex about lo’s support.
The school is also putting pressure on me to start doing things together with ex saying that it was lovely when I let him sit near me at ceremony. It’s so hard trying to be a good mum when it feels like everyone wants me to pretend that nothing happened.

[Tiffany]

Could you get someone else to explain to the school what your needs are? Do you have a domestic abuse worker? Or could someone from the refuge contact them? I know it is b******t that they aren’t accepting your word about what you need, but sometimes an official phone call or letter has more of an impact.

I know it isn’t the same circumstances but I have a chronic health condition which I have been managing for years. My GP refuses to make recommendations on my care because she, as a professional, recognises that I know my body and my condition better than she does. However if I need any adjustments made at work they will not accept my words on that. I have to go to the GP, explain what I need from work and then she writes this down for my workplace. It feels stupid and like a waste of everyone’s time, but it is much easier for me than fighting my corner at work.

I hope you get a resolution.

Tiffany

[Serenity]

Neither the school nor anyone else has any right to tell you what your boundaries should be.

As we know, the most deadly abuse can be invisible to many people except the victim themselves. Trust your instinct. Set up very firm boundaries and parameters in life. Only let trusted people close. This includes the school: if they aren’t understanding or supportive, don’t wear your heart on your sleeve with them and lay yourself open. Get advice and support from elsewhere.

You being civil to your ex at school events is more than many victims could handle.

Abusers may try to wheedle their way back into your life again. But it’s only so they can continue the control and abuse. My ex has recently stated that he wants us to ‘improve relations’ : I know what he is furious about something, and wants to come nearer to both control my actions and to try to dismantle me. The apparent civility is only one level of the story: there is cunning manipulation going on underneath.

Stick to your guns, and only reveal things to those who have your back.

[Author]

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