Free for many years, CPTSD triggered, scared of ex finding me.

[pigeonperson]

Hey fellow survivors,

I’ve been free of my abusive ex for years. Years. I live miles away now from where the abuse took place.

Fairly recently, my close friend, who knew my ex through me, passed a message on to me that my abusive ex sent to her. As far as she said, the message was unsolicited.

My violent, abusive, rapist, psychopathic ex made many years of my life and my kids’ lives a living hell, including him threatening to kill me and the kids.

He violently (physically), emotionally, psychologically and sexually and financially abused me. He used coercive control. I have CPTSD and my friend is aware of this. I have been zero contact with my ex for years.

What in gods name possessed my friend, who even witnessed him abusing me and the children, (although she didn’t witness the physical violence) to even consider telling me about his message, let alone pass on the content? The last time she did that, which was a good few years ago, I asked her to promise to block him. I made it very clear that he was using her to continue to abuse me through her by passing on the message. I had a really bad flaring up of my CPTSD for a good few months, which I probably didn’t tell my friend about. I don’t like to talk about my mental health, I prefer to distract myself by just getting on with things, talking about other stuff. I didn’t want to make her feel bad. I’m almost laughing at myself now, for yet again being so careful of her feelings, but not of my own. But I did make my boundaries very, very clear. Anyway, after the first time, I told her never to pass on his messages to me again, and asked her to block him permanently. She apologized profusely, promised to block him and never be in contact with him again. I explained that it was necessary for my safety and the safety of my children.

So why did she do it again? She passed on another message. Which means she unblocked him. Or didn’t block him in the first place. Or worse, has been in contact with him the whole time. I don’t use Facebook. I don’t feel safe using it.

His message was incredibly creepy too. Well, of course it was. Very self pitying. (detail removed by moderator)

I thought I was better. I really, really thought I had healed. I started working again after years of mental illness (anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, CPTSD). I had loads of therapy, I thought I was okay. Okay enough to function, to be happy and together enough to have a new relationship with a lovely partner.

Since I received my friend’s message, I feel completely defeated. My CPTSD has been triggered before, but this is really bad. I’ve not been able to get any work done, I feel like I am going to have to claim PIP just to get through this while I wait for therapy. I feel worse and worse. My insomnia has been through the roof. Nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety for no reason. Just because I read the lying, manipulative message my close friend passed on. I thought I could trust her. I was wrong.

I made so many excuses and justifications for her in my head, but actually, it’s just not okay that she did that.

Now my brain is not able to shut down, whilst simultaneously being numb. I’m in constant fight or flight, completely dissociated, like my life is a dream I can’t participate in with clarity, like living through a fog. I have washing machine head, coming up with all these scenarios where my friend tells my ex where I live, plus all sorts of horror from my past, from my childhood with my abusive mother. It’s all too much.

The worst part was when my friend lovebombed me after she read my reaction to her passing on the message.

I told her straight away that she must not under any circumstances reply him, that she shouldn’t have told me, shouldn’t have looked him up, then told her an account of the extent of his abuse her perpetrated against me and the kids. I asked her why she had passed on the message, knowing that I have CPTSD.

It felt horrible and disingenuous, reading her reply. Why was she telling me in such long-winded, emotional language what an amazing survivor I am, knowing that I already told her, very firmly, very clearly, never to contact my ex again, and that if he contacted her, never to pass on a message from him, ever, ever again? She told me she thought she’d have a sneaky look at his profile!!! What is wrong with her?!Why?!

I always thought she was one of the kindest people I had ever met, just a bit naive and way too trusting. She’s the kind of person who always seems to be helping someone. I thought she was so understanding. Problem is, over the past few years, I realised she’s a sitter on fences. She told me she was being”strategically friends” with someone who was harming my family. She puts up with very abusive people and that’s another story altogether.

Has she been “Strategically friends” with me, all this time?

And now I am worrying that she’s been “understanding and supportive of”, or “strategically friends with” my ex this whole time. It’s just a worry, but it’s terrifying. She’s probably not. She said she hates him for what he did to me. But she also said she promised to block him, years ago.

So why pass on his manipulative lies?

I wouldn’t have thought badly of her if I knew I could trust her. I loved her so much as a friend. Now my biggest worry is that she’s been supporting him this whole time, believing his lies, feeling sorry for him.

He used to call my friends and my parents up, crying wolf that I was stopping him from seeing his kids, when in reality he had supervised contact because of his DV.

Now I’m scared he’s lying to my friend that I was the abusive one, trying to manipulate and convince her that I did “parental alienation” when it was the other way round (detail removed by moderator)

I’m so scared he’ll just turn up out of the blue because my naive friend who doesn’t listen will tell him where I live.

The thing is, she takes photos and posts them on Facebook. What if my ex has seen photos she took of me where I live now and he figures my location out? I worry that my friend really is that careless. She has been incredibly careless with me, with my kids and with my partner. I feel completely flabbergasted by her carelessness.

I used to think she was just kind to everyone because she’s kind. (detail removed by moderator) I trusted her. I feel so unsupported and betrayed and hurt.

I know I am overthinking. My brain is getting me into a panic. My CPTSD is through the roof and it’s getting worse instead of better.

And saddest of all, I realise I’ve lost the person who I thought for years was my closest friend.

All this has set me back in my recovery from the abuse my ex put me through so badly.

I am on the waiting list for an assessment for treatment for CPTSD but I’m scared the NHS won’t want to treat me: that’s how stupid my brain is getting; hopefully they will, why wouldn’t they? But I know the waiting list is long. I’ve started one of the courses on Bloom.

I have an incredibly supportive partner who makes me feel very safe and very secure: I feel completely safe and secure in theory, so why am I terrified?

How do I feel safe again when I don’t know how much of this is just CPTSD and how much is actual danger?

I think writing too much helped calm me actually, so I hope it also helps someone going through similar. It always helps me to feel my experience is valid, especially in light of feeling like I was going insane throughout the years of abuse. I was trapped in abusive situations I couldn’t leave for the majority of my childhood and my long relationship with my abusive ex. Validation is good, although it’s horrible how many people suffer DV. It helps knowing we’re not alone I guess.

Anyway, I just need to rant, but all feedback would be appreciated. I need to figure out how to feel safe again. And to get some perspective, as it’s hard to negotiate the CPTSD involved in doing my own risk assessment.

[pigeonperson]

An update in case anyone’s following, but at a loss of what to say!

I went to a local advice centre and have found some support. Have made a face to face doctors appointment too.

So feeling a little more hopeful.

And haven’t heard anything from anyone about my ex stalking me. So still on alert, but not quite so hyper vigilant…

My son had a lovely day out with his friends and neither of us even mentioned fears of ex lurking like we used to!

It will be okay (I have to constantly keep telling myself this!)

Sending hugs to all you fabulous women. It’ll be okay!

[Twisted Sister]

Hello pigeonperson

I am sorry to see that you had no responses to your original post, and it sounds awful what you are contending with in knowing that a trusted someone risked your safety by passing on messages from your dangerous ex.

Its only natural that all the same fears would resurface, as, like you say, you have no idea really what exactly has been going on, and all you can do is block her as she has shattered any trust you could have had. She already did this before, and it makes me wonder if she is someone that gets her kicks from risk, and takes too lightly the serious nature of what she’s dabbling in for her own ends. She may truly understand what hell you have all lived, and still not be able to stop herself from involving herself in drama, which she prioritises over your real safety.

You write well about the whirlpool of distress that raised for you, and that has helped you loads too. Its great to see your update about you’ve managed to piece yourself back together from that shell shock, and still feeling optimistic in your outlook and have a new partner to share that with.

It sounds like it was a massive shock to be faced with all the shadows of that experience, and no wonder, and it may be advisable to let someone know that he is still trying to get to you? This man is evidently a massive risk, and perhaps a previous police contact could be advised that he’s still trying to reach you but is presumably not allowed to?

All that matters is your safety, and the shock has shown you how big of a deal it still is, the memory of that coming back. I hpeyou can keep on moving on forward from it, and risk assess with a professional, so you can be safe and know that you are. If he knew where you are now, or potentially your ‘friend’ has told him, the your protection could be compromised, so if any of these issues apply in your situation make sure you take the necessary steps to keep safe.

warmest wishes

ts

[pigeonperson]

Hey Twisted Sister,

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m grateful for your advice and kind words. My son suggested warning our neighbours about him, which is a good idea. Last time I tried to get a restraining order, they told me I didn’t need one because he didn’t know where I was, which was quite disappointing, as I was living in the same town, but somehow we didn’t run into him, so one was never made, as I ran away without the help of the police and just kept running.
I’m hoping all my worries are unfounded and that like she said, she didn’t reply. If I hear any more I will be sure to contact the police. I just know they won’t give me a restraining order now, after all these years, with only the evidence that he contacted my friend. ugh.
Some friend…she was supposed to have him blocked. She just doesn’t seem to have the boundaries other people have with regards dangerous people. She makes excuses for them. You could be right.

Thanks again and warmest wishes back atcha 🙂

[Twisted Sister]

Thanks Pigeonperson,

Might I suggest you have a quick read around stalking? I am pretty sure that evidence of stalking requires three unwanted attempted contact incidents. Maybe a chat with the Stalking Helpline could help you to have as much as you can in place before anything else happens so that you are well versed in your options for future?

Letting trusted neighbours know of your situation, or simply that you have fled an ex and to alert you to any unusual activity around your home, is a great idea, and something I also relied on and gathered evidence from as a result, so great that your son suggested that, you don’t have the perspective they have on your home, and will notice strange activity, but probably dismiss it unless they have the information that you have and could share with them.

A lot of this is also going to help you to feel more safe, once you have all the practical elements in place to feel secure, extra door locks, lights, cameras even. I hope you can secure everything you can to feel in a better place.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

You sound so articulate and well educated on abuse, you have had to start again and I’m hoping you and your children are well settled, I had exactly the same thing with a friend I had to cut her off, you’ve been through way too much to let someone so carelessly trigger you, she is aware of the harm caused to yourself and your children, it is not your responsibility to constantly remind her of the affect it has had on you and your precious children, I apologise if this sounds blunt but her behaviour has caused you emotional harm- yes it is his fault and he should not be contacting her but you have made it clear you want no contact what so ever and she’s forced it into your safe boundaries and disrespected that, you should feel free to trust your friend to protect you emotionally and her actions in this situation are questionable (Edward scissor hands her), got your back girl x*x

[pigeonperson]

Thank you, Twisted Sister. I hadn’t thought to look up stalking laws etc. Good plan.

Thanks for sharing your experience, Anon12345. It’s absolutely horrible when you realise you can’t trust someone who you thought had your back but who turns out to be treacherous. That’s how it feels. I’m so sorry
you went through that too. It’s kind of broken my heart because I thought she was closer than my blood family. She’s the person who I’d send photos to when I went to places I thought she’d like… the kind of friend I thought I could trust with anything…

I was wrong.

Thank you for all the support everyone X

[orchid7]

Hello pigeonperson. Sorry I don’t think this will be much help as I am trying to figure out things too. But just wanted to let you know feelings I have had. I saw my ex’s name come up on a family members phone when they were showing me something. They promised it was nothing and I looked and it was a social media post notification (not a message). They said it was a platform they never used and had never seen his name before! And do not even know how to use the app! But why have they not blocked him? Is their explanation reasonable? I asked everyone to block him and never speak to him.

Then the overthinking starts … are they in contact with him … is something going on … what have they told him … etc etc. Then not trusting the said family members. It’s horrible. Just an awful feeling to think someone close to you is involved with this person behind your back. But without ever knowing if it is true or whether I’m overthinking

But I think apart from making sure things are safe etc., I need to stop letting him have so much power over my mind! Which I do not know how to do xx

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