Freedom

[Swan123]

I can’t believe I am siting here writing this. Following an incident, he’s been removed…and albeit for a short time I can get proper things in place to have him at arms length for some time longer. I’m done…I know I have so much hard ahead of me, and perhaps I am living in a ‘honeymoon’ period of my own…but still. I am exhausted following the ordeal, processing, and can’t sleep much. I keep getting up thinking, was that real? or joining all those dots together…it’s tiring. I’m in independent therapy so getting some help, but still I’m here. I’m grateful to all the women who gave me support in my moments of need and desperation…and without this forum, I’d have felt even more alone than I did. I reached a breaking point on the weekend for which I am full of thanks for in a strange kind of way.

[Hawthorn]

Oh Swan123, I’m so sorry to hear of the trauma you’ve been through, but your clarity is really inspirational. I escaped my abuser a significant period of time ago, but I’m still strangely grateful for the horrible incident that precipitated my leaving. The scales fell from my eyes and I saw and understood exactly what I was dealing with and the real and present danger I was in. Hold tight to that clarity, and be very gentle with yourself. I found journalling really helpful when I was where you are, or maybe try writing yourself a letter. Getting your thoughts on paper will help to clear your mind a bit, I used to spend 15 or 20mins at it before I went to bed.

Try to capture that feeling of freedom and inner strength. It will really help to have it to refer to when the doubt begins to creep in. And it will. Abusers brainwash us, and that conditioning takes time to break free from and master. You are your own hero, and hero’s have lots of dragons to slay. You can do it. Keep reaching out for support, and be very gentle with yourself. Drink lots of water, try to eat regularly, even if you’re not hungry, and time in nature is very grounding and healing.
You have more strength than you know. Sending a big hug xx

[Grey Rock]

I felt like it was a gift (after the event and when things felt safer) that things went nuts that final time too. My ex was also removed for a short time as not granted bail between arrest (detail removed by Moderator). It’s good to feel that safe (not that I wished imprisonment on him to be honest. Just wanted him to stop and behave like a normal human being). It did feel strangely flat and lonely for a while though. I only just read about trauma bonds recently and suspect that’s what caused those feelings. Wish I’d known about them then, bit that’s just the way of things isn’t it.

I found audio books really helpful for those sleepless nights. (If you’re a member of a local library you can get the app on your phone to download them and listen for free).

Sending prayers for this new phase of your journey.

GR

[Swan123]

Hello to you both – thank you so much for your kind words… I have been sitting with the rollercoaster that has ensued. Good days and many not so good days – it is the trauma bond…but with awareness, I’m trying to just notice that without being embroiled. The road ahead is long, but I have noticed how supported I am by friends…that I didn’t actually have the means to really value. People have been generous and kind with their time and offerings to help me provide happiness for the kids and that has been heartwarming on days my heart has wanted to break. It is a new phase as you speak of and one which will just take a whole lot of patience, self kindness and time to tread one foot in front of the other. Even yesterday I was filing out complicated paperwork in relation to all this business, he normally would have done such things…I had a moment of ‘can I even do this?’…but then realised I had been conditioned to think ‘I can’t’.

Thanks for being here to listen to me…xx

[Author]

Posts