Friend called the police without my consent?

[littlefatcheeks]

I confided in a friend about an incident which made me reach out to local DA services (although the DA services went to answer phone and left my details for them to get back to me). It was a one time incident of SA by a partner when drunk. I am not in any immediate danger and don’t live with him, I was taking things at my own pace and was starting to reach out, confiding in her and reaching out to DA services and womensaid and rape crisis. She went to the police without my consent and just dropped it on me that she had done it, I suffer from anxiety so this was a lot. The incident wasn’t something I wanted to report and I understand her being worried but I am not in danger and safe. I now don’t want to reach out because I feel like things aren’t in my hands, even to the local DA services who rang me today and I told them I was busy (when I wasn’t) because I feel like she’s taken control away from me. Has she overstepped or am I overreacting?

[Twisted Sister]

You are not overreacting littlefatcheeks, definitely not, thats a horrible feeling.

It can be super hard to mention anything to anyone, it can take years. After having disclosed something it can feel quite raw, especially the first few times, and that an awful way for this big step to have gone, I am so sorry.

Yes, taking it out of your hands is spot-on. It is a risk you take though in disclosing anything, it might scare someone into acting thinking that they are doing this in your best interests. I’m not sure the police could do anything about a third party reporting something that someone else told them, as I believe that could be classed as heresay, not actual evidence, like a victim reporting a crime toward themselves.

I completely understand why you feel this way, and I believe anyone would after such a big step.

I hope you can feel that your friend has done this out of worry and concern for you, rather than just dropping you in it, so hope you could feel able to speak to them again when you are ready and explain that you have to do this when you are ready and noone else can do it for you? Doing something like this can actually put you at additional risk if its not done properly, which is also why perhaps you felt you needed to control how it happens, for your own protection.

We know many women don’t report some awful abuses, and what is reported is just the tip of the iceberg.

I’m glad that you have had a call back, and they will be there for you when you are ready. So you don’t need to do any more for now, until you feel you can manage whatever it is you need to do.

Well done for bringing it somewhere safe though, here, and feel free to chat some more there are plenty of women here who will understand what you are going through and what a lot of processing it takes to work through. Here when you are ready. Look after yourself.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

I understand your feelings littlefatcheeks (love your username btw very cute) you were doing things at your own pace and it does sound like you had everything under control and the right parties were contacted but in my opinion I do feel what your friend did was a bit of a boundary violation (and you’ve been through enough of them) but I also understand she was probably scared for you but i don’t feel it was her place to do these things (I’ve had a few boundary violating ex ‘friends’ myself I’ve let them “all” go) if you feel uncomfortable confiding in her again you can always confide in any of us or phone the lines you’ve probably been given already take care 🤗💗🤗

[Shazza]

Hi littlefatcheeks,

I can completely understand why this would have caused you anxiety. This is one of the reasons that I have only confided certain details of my situation to one person as I felt I could trust her not to take the decision out of my hands, whereas I feel other people in my life would. I would feel very upset and betrayed if this had happened to me. I do understand that they probably felt that they were trying to help and trying to protect you. But we spend so much time having decisions taken away from us in our abusive relationships, and in not being able to control our own lives, that it doesn’t help when that then happens further when we confide in someone.
It does sound like you were taking things at a pace you were comfortable with which is exactly what you need to do.
Hopefully you might feel able to broach this with her and explain why you did not want the decision taken out of your hands.
Sending lots of love your way x

[Author]

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