Friendships/relationships after abuse

[ballet]

I’m a few years out of my abusive relationship and in that time I’ve not dated and have really struggled to forge new friendships. I felt too bruised inside to take the risks that any kind of emotional closeness calls for. Lately, with the help of a therapy and support group, I feel like I’m emerging from the bad time. I have a friend whom I’m quite close to and a few months ago I realised that eventually I might want more than friendship, and that he probably felt the same. A couple of days ago we talked about it. He understands my PTSD, and he suggested that we go slowly and take our own time to work out what we both want.

Two days after that conversation the anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks, and I have spent a few hours obsessively combing through everything he said and everything I know about him in case there were any red flags and danger signals that I missed. With my abuser, there were warning signs from the beginning, but I rationalised them away. Now I worry that I’m doing the opposite and seeing trouble where there isn’t any. I know I’m hypervigilant.

I really like this person, and I don’t want whatever we have (a closer friendship, relationship, it doesn’t matter to me at this point – I know I need to go slowly) to be compromised by my PTSD. I’d appreciate it if any of you lovely women who are further on in recovery could give me some tips on how to distinguish between paranoia and a real legitimate concern, and the best way to deal with the symptoms that PTSD throws at you when you’re getting closer to someone. Thanks.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Ballet,

welcome to the forum, I am pleased for you that you were able to get support through therapy and support group, I find anyone tackling her trauma quite brave so well done.

I understand the hyper-vigilance, I’ve noticed mine diminished over time, but not about everything, so I guess you’ll have to find out where you are still very fragile and keep yourself very safe on those areas and other things you might be comfortable doing.
For me the most important criteria is safety. This is my go to question. I assess if I do feel safe doing this or that? If yes I simply go for it. If no, if I get very panicky I don’t even ask myself any questions, I grant myself permission to just keep myself safe and protected. If I get a little agitated but not fully panicked, just uncomfortable, I explore the reason why and see if I can possibly change my reaction to my trigger next time around.
I’m not sure it makes any sense, in my head it does ☺️

Hopefully you can figure out what makes you feel comfortable and safe and what doesn’t, not based on fear but on solid reasoning.

[Author]

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