Frustrated

[acb123]

Evening

I posted last week about the abusive relationship I am in because I wanted advice and to hear from people in a similar position to me.
Since my last post things have become awful. My husband was being really abusive and because it was (detail removed by Moderator) I took the the children out of the situation by reluctantly visiting my parents with the intention of returning home the next day. I didn’t want to leave because I knew it would make the situation worse but he told me to go and was going to ruin Christmas for the children. He proceeded to be abusive by messages and by sending me pictures. I called the police and he was arrested. Me and my children are now homeless and cannot return to our home because he was bailed back there. We have no belongings with us and the children are due to go back to school next week. I am utterly heartbroken that we cannot be in our home, it has been a very difficult week. This is why I stayed in the abusive marriage for so long because of how hard it is to actually leave and keep things normal for the children. I don’t want the upheaval and think it is so unfair for our lives to have to change in every way possible while he gets to stay in our home by himself.

I just needed to let out my frustration because I feel so let down by the way things have turned out.

[Camel]

I’m not surprised you feel let down, this is an awful situation to be in. What was he charged with? Are the police keeping you informed? Do you have an advocate/liaison? Have they put you in touch with agencies who can help? I’m sorry I don’t have any experience of this but I’m pretty sure that protecting you and the children is a priority.

[acb123]

Hi Camel

I don’t know what exactly he was charged with but I’m guessing abuse and controlling and coercive behaviour. The police didn’t inform me that they were going to arrest him or of anything until they were about to release him on bail. They said they can’t make him homeless so he has to return home. I have had support from the domestic abuse organisation but because of the time of year it is not a lot is open. I spoke to a solicitor yesterday but all my documentation is at my home address. I desperately need to get home, it is really affecting my mental health because I don’t know what is happening. I am currently out of the county that i live in and can’t stay here because of schools etc.

Thank you for your reply Camel.

[Footballfan1]

Hi,

This really does not sound fair to me.
They can’t make him homeless, but they can make you and the children homeless?

Have you spoken to the police about your living arrangements?
Have you told them you are in another county to your children’s school?
This is beyond crazy in my opinion.

When my ex was arrested, neither of us was at the home at the time.
He was bailed away from the home, they asked me before bailing him if he had anywhere to stay.
I said he had relatives he could stay with.
When he was released, he refused to tell them where he would stay, and the police made it clear to him that he could not return to our home, he would breach bail if he did.
I’ve never let him stay here ever since then.
Not for his lack of trying I can tell you, he tried guilt tripping me, threatening me, blackmailing , all sorts of stuff so that he could come back after the bail.

You could look at occupation orders, you can apply for one yourself.
You can apply to the court for you and the children to stay in the family home, and your husband be removed.

[acb123]

Hi footballfan1

It’s crazy isn’t it I can’t believe they have allowed this to happen. The police said as I am in my parents home I need to stay there so he can return home. I was crying and begging them to let us home but they wouldn’t. We have medical conditions too so need medication from home. I am currently waiting for police to call me with an appointment to escort me home to collect some belongings. It’s (detailed removed by Moderator) drive home. (detailed removed by Moderator) I can’t commute to the childrens schools it’s too far and would cost £40 a day in fuel. I’m so upset and feel like I’ve been made to feel like the criminal in all of this. I need to be in my home for so many reasons. I know he has damaged our belongings and the thought of seeing this and having to leave again straight away is really hurting me. I just can’t believe this has happened, I did the right thing to protect my children and now I have no home.

[Lazarus17]

Hi acb123. I was in a similar situation – ex was bailed to my home and I was sofa surfing 😞
He told them he’d got nowhere to go – the police believed him (cos as we know, abusers never lie, right?!🤨)

I had to get an occupation order, but catch 22, couldn’t get one until his bail ran out. He’d been bailed for (detailed removed by Moderator). Then I had to wait for a court date. 😡

Find how when his bail runs out. Make plans now to get an occupation order (NCDV helped me but your solicitor should also be able to help).

Speak to the police – an inspector if the officer in charge can’t provide answers. See if they can change his bail conditions (If he’s got other places he could go, tell them where!) Tell them you need to get things from the house but you need him to be out when you do – insist on an officer to accompany you. If that doesn’t work, what about someone else collecting belongings for you (arrange with police).

Speak to your local authority about emergency accommodation (your IDVA may be able to help with this – but appreciate not immediately cos of hols).

Practically, I think school would understand non uniform/absence if it came to it – see if you can have a quiet word. If it looks like it’s gonna drag on, try local groups/organisations for uniform replacement.

I understand how frustrating it is 😞 Good luck, stay safe, stay strong!😘

[acb123]

Hi Lazarus17

(detailed removed by Moderator) I didn’t realise the bail would cause an issue. I would think his is (detailed removed by Moderator) too. (detailed removed by Moderator) He has family and friends in the county that I am in now so he could stay with them but he is bitter because he doesn’t want me and the children in our home. I just can’t stay where I am it’s ridiculous. As if it isn’t bad enough being in an abusive relationship as it is, then they leave me in this situation. The law is so unfair. I feel I need to head back to my county but have nowhere to go and the council is shut until Tuesday. My family are great but they don’t understand how all of this makes me feel.

[Camel]

I’m glad you’re getting advice on the legal stuff from the lovely ladies here.

I guess it’s pretty overwhelming for you right now. I’d say, lean on your family. It’s not ideal but it could be a lot worse. I expect they’re only too happy to help you out with practical support.

If you need medication, see if your surgery has an emergency out-of-hours contact number to get new prescriptions. You can get them sent to a local pharmacy.

Does the school have an out-of-hours contact number? You might be able to arrange distance learning in the short term. Most schools are set up for this after Covid. It’ll take the pressure off and mean they don’t miss out.

[Marmalade]

Hi (detailed removed by Moderator) Your solicitor does know the whole story??
(detailed removed by Moderator) If he is not present with no notice then there is a very high professional duty of fairness on your solicitor to tell the court everything about your partner’s situation including the circumstances which are against your application.
I think, as Lazarus17 said, the bail conditions would need to be changed for him to leave as otherwise there would be a court order forcing him to breach bail conditions risking arrest so that cannot be right.

[Footballfan1]

What Camel said is good, schools have an absence code of unable to attend due to exceptional circumstances.
This covers a variety of reasons.
If you explain your situation, the school might approve this.

[Author]

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