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Hello – I know dogs are not kids but they can cause the same stressful worries after a split 🙁
My ex and I have 2 dogs together, one each financially if that makes sense. When I left I took my dog as I bought her and paid for her upkeep, he didn’t contribute. Then he decided he wanted a puppy so bought our other dog and paid for him himself.
After I left, due to work commitments my ex insisted I have his dog as (his words) “he missed my dog and he couldn’t afford to put him in daycare when he worked (he works long hours but intermittently, it’s never regular and changes week to week). He pulled on the heartstrings by saying if I didn’t take him he’d give him up to the Blue Cross etc. So obviously I took him but on the understanding he helped me out financially with his insurance etc. After much moaning he did give me 2 months insurance money but is being very evasive and non-committal about payments etc.I am getting so upset and frustrated as I want to push on for divorce but also want some sort of amicable agreement over the dog (and the marital home) without resorting to solicitors (which I can’t afford on top of renting on my own etc).
Is this him continuing to try and control me? I am torn between him saying how upset he is and begging me not to divorce him and knowing that he is still trying his control tactics. I guess he knows no different does he?I am NOT going back under any circumstance, I want divorce and out for good. I have an appointment with the local DV team (with an IDVA (?)) on Wednesday and if she pushes for a non-molestation order I need to get this financial situation sorted out.
Anyone else had an IDVA or similar situation. I need the dog equivalent of the CSA I think! the Dog Support Agency maybe…?
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He isn’t ever going to be amicable. He wants hooks left in you. Things he can use to pretend to contact you over. Then with contact will come bullying manipulation. Aggression and blame. Emotional abuse and threats. My advice is to remove all these hooks. If he won’t have the dog full time then rehome the dog. Work on cutting all ties right away. When he knows what you want he will use it against you. Get some free legal advice. Most solicitors offer a free initial session. It might be expensive in the short term to use a solicitor but dealing with an abuser long term is much more costly.
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Thank you for your reply KIP.
I think I’ll probably keep the dog and work round the costs like reducing his insurance etc. I can’t see him rehomed.
I am doing the divorce through legal assistance we get with our employee assistance programme we have at work so I’ll phone them tomorrow for advice I think.
Thanks again xx -
Do consider the possibility that he had landed you with an ‘anchor’ dog, darling!
Anytime he likes he can pester you to see the dog or be told about its welfare, can’t he?
It might be ultimatum time: you could tell him to commit to a monthly direct debit for the costs (include food for a year, vaccinations, de-flea and de-worm treatments, pet insurance and two weeks’ kenneling costs in case you take a holiday and divide by 12) and give him a deadline to set it up by: a week should be enough. The alternatives are to take the dog back or, if you love the dog, want to keep it and can afford to keep it, tell him he can hand over the animal to you and guarantee in writing that he will never contact you again about it.
Why should you pick up his responsibilities?
Flower x
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You want a clean break from this man with absolutely no ties or reasons to contact you. Allowing him to continue to pay for the care of the dog is just another reason for contact, which he will use to abuse you. At any time, when you’re even more attached he can say he wants the dog back or he wants to rehome the dog. Like abusers use their children, he will use the dogs. Rehoming is not always a bad thing. Someone with lots of time to spend with the dog, a loving companion for someone and plenty time for exercise. It might be best for the dog under the circumstances. I’ve had a dog and I know the bond that’s there but it’s not your dog and that brings its own problems.
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I too have been in a similar situation. My own dog died shortly before I left my abusive husband, most probably as a direct result of his abusive treatment to him. He’s been adamant the other 2 were his so I knew it wouldn’t have been long till I left. At the moment I walk one of them as the other is too strong for me and is out in it’s kennel during the day. The one I walk is in a crate so I couldn’t leave it in it all day, this is the only reason I walk it. I agree with @Kip that it’s a way of control. Could you get something in writing as party of the divorce proceedings. I’m trying to disassociate from my dogs just in case I don’t get somewhere that allows pets. Deep down I know I have to take one of them or neither. He’s already said (detail removed by moderator)(see how i’ve not personalised them) so he can get a sleep, seemingly she has him up all night, which is strange because when ive stayed over a few times,(i don’t anymore) she didn’t have me up until it was time for her morning walk. So it makes me think he’s at it, either that or she is at it with him🤣🤣🤣. Anyway you and I both have some thinking to do, good luck
IWMB 💞💞
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