Gaslighting and manipulation?

[Ariadne]

Hi, everyone

I have been meaning to create this post, as some of these things are still going on.
My abuser has/d a tendency to get a bit more confrontational through text even. He’ll seem to obsess over my engagement with other people (mostly men), and my therapist has helped me realize that this type of “triangulation” has been present throughout our relationship.
I have kind of tried to make him realise this, but it has resulted in the weirdest conversations where I feel like all of a sudden they become out of control? Or they end up in a place that I never expected they would end up?
As examples, and trying to be as vague as possible, he’ll say things like I’m acting crazy, that I can’t be objective, that I’m gaslighting him, (detail removed by moderator) (even when throughout the conversation I tried to really curate my words and said multiple times(detail removed by moderator). He’ll even say the staple of  (detail removed by moderator). I feel like that’s not entirely the case.

I really feel stressed about this. Also because now he’s using the same kind of expressions (e.g. that I’m gaslighting him) that I would use to describe his behaviour. And it’s so difficult to not be confused by that! There was one time when I pointed out that his behaviour was more like that, and he said (detail removed by moderator), like blame-shifting in a way I suppose?

And I don’t want to do that… I don’t know maybe if I have bad behaviours like that that I have to shed too. I tried talking to my friends about that, but they are just tired of always telling me the same things, I suppose. I know they’re frustrated, so I just keep these conversations I have with him to myself now. But it’s difficult to gain clarity sometimes.

[Lisa]

Hi Ariadne

Thank you for posting. I just wanted to show you some support, your partner sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. I can understand how this must be so confusing for you, we often hear that perpetrators will twist things like this, but you are not gaslighting him. The perpetrator will very often blame the woman for the abuse, and unfortunately very often a woman begins to believe that she is responsible for the abusers behaviour, but this is another common abuse tactic.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[Teaandcats]

he’ll say things like I’m acting crazy, that I can’t be objective, that I’m gaslighting him…Also because now he’s using the same kind of expressions (e.g. that I’m gaslighting him) that I would use to describe his behaviour.

My husband does this too. Or I do… I’m really not sure if I should/can beleive him and if it’s not just another tactic? I completely understand your confusion because I feel it too. Here are moments when I’m certain that nothing I have ever done is even remotely abusive, then it changes and I can’t work out if I might not have done something to make this happen or to have made his abuse worse some how…
I don’t have anything helpful to say, but you’re not alone x

[Ariadne]

Hi @Lisa,

Thank you for your message and support. It has really helped validate my experience in this. And I will try to make more use of the chat when things like this come up 🙂
And @Teaandcats, thank you, lovely <3 I wish others didn’t have to go through this… it really is confusing, because you think that people will be more objective in conversations, but that’s not the case. Maybe he does feel like that, but it doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong. hH’s probably just shifting the blame onto you again to avoid taking responsibility. I like the DR. C values for any conversation: Dignity, Respect, Civility. And I’m sure if you strive to be considerate (as I’m sure you are, as just you being confused about this shows that you would like to not be manipulative), you will be able to be sure of your intentions and experience.
Take care <3

[Cocktails3]

My ex partner is exactly the same. I have come to realise there is no point in even discussing my feelings with him as he twists everything and it is all my fault. He is extremely abusive but says I am the abusive one. I have now gone no contact and it is so hard as I want to reach out to him, why I don’t know. It is hard to accept there are such disordered mean people out there but there are. All the best to you. I think not engaging with them is the only way to a peaceful life.

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