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My relationship after (detail removed by moderator) ended abruptly when I finally had the courage to call the police after a domestic incident that my children had witnessed.
We had been together for (detail removed by moderator) and I can’t remember a time we were truly happy.
I am a victim of mental and emotional abuse – gaslighting!! I’m struggling to find the strength to deal with what I have been through. I don’t know who I am anymore I have lived on edge for years as he suffers with paranoia which has destroyed me. I dont know how to be or feel. I don’t have any friends I feel so alone -
I am new to this and don’t really know where to start.
I think I just needed a safe space where I can let everything out that has been building up inside of me.
I am finding it very hard to come to terms with being emotionally and mentally abused and I am constantly questioning my reality – the lowest I have got to is wanting to lay in the middle of the road and hoping to get run over as I wanted all what I was feeling to just stop. That was a thought I was feeling I wouldn’t actually to it (detail removed by moderator)
I always knew there was some sort of problem I thought it was alcohol and mental health issues so it came as a shock that drugs were involved and it came as even more of a shock that family members new and no one told me!!! At the height of it all he thought I was having an affair with anyone and everyone- he would watch my every move, check the bed for stains, stand outside the shower when I was washing, I couldn’t even sleep on my sofa without him thinking I was letting people in through the windows . I tried my hardest to prove to him I was doing nothing …. how can you prove to someone you aren’t doing anything when you’re actually doing nothing! He sent me crazy!
I’m looking for help just to have someone to talk to as I’m on my own I don’t have any friends -
Firstly, what you’re feeling is 100% normal. Everything you thought you knew has been thrown in the air – so now your mind is questioning everything and reliving a lot of events. This is tiring and triggering.
The loss of identity is also normal and tough at the time. I vividly remember standing in my room not having a clue what to wear because I had no idea who I was or what I liked!
You have to be kind to yourself right now. Your brain is reorganising itself & resee-ing your life with him in a different light. On top of that you’re breaking the trauma bond and going through a chemical withdrawal. This stage is exhausting. But it does pass. Be mindful of getting stuck in a loop and try to break your mind procrastinating too long over things by going for a walk or changing the room/task.
Read Lundy Bancroft, Pat Craven, (detail removed by moderator) chat to Womansaid etc all the sources which help you to understand abuse. You can definitely feel like you’re going crazy but you’re not, you’re going through trauma. It’s ok xx
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