Get over it he says

[Jeeves]

Anyone gets told to just “get over it”, , “why can’t you let things go. I find it so irritating when my husband says that to me. Just get over the insults , the threats, the times he crosses the line physically ( it’s not that bad he says I didn’t hit you ) . I think to myself these days , NO, just because you’re nice again I am not going to pretend it didn’t happen. He needs to recognise it causes hurt and damage and take accountability. But saying just get over it makes it seem like nothing and that isn’t fair. It makes me second guess myself, “maybe he is right is it that bad”.
Then it’s the intimate coercion and guilt trips , we haven’t been intimate for a while he says , it’s you, he says I try it’s you, he says . Dam right it’s me , I don’t want someone who could be so horrible at times to touch me , my skin crawls. Then throws it in my face , you don’t fancy me , you think I am ugly etc . But actions have reactions and his mistreatment has caused me to dislike him in that way.

[nbumblebee]

I am so so glad you wrote this you have no idea as I read it I was shouting yes yes and yes.
I hate him touching ne my skin crawls and he often says its my fault as i never want sex i never try but why try when he calls you a (detail removed by Moderator) or old or makes you feel like s**t on his shoe right?
They then twist it so its you whos in the wrong and bang that guilty feeling comes and you then make yourself feel like s**t as well as how he makes you feel.
Mine never says sorry or I was wrong he has been fowl last few days today we went out and he gave me some money towards something i wanted is being overlly nice like i should forget the last few days.
It is so frustrating isnt it.
Sorry im pants arent I, I have no advice just know you are not alone sweetie.
Stay safe and strong x

[Jeeves]

It’s nice to know I am not alone.

[Eggshells]

Hi Jeeves

You are very much not alone my lovely. This is normal behaviour for abusers. I remember the hope that one day he would recognise it causes hurt and damage and take accountability. Sadly, that will never happen.

In their eyes we are so devalued it doesn’t matter if we’re mentally or physically broken. They won’t care if they hurt us, it’s of no importance to them what-so-ever so there’s nothing to be accountable for, as far as they’re concerned.

[nbumblebee]

@eggshells yep still even now I hope he will see what he does and feel bad say sorry and change.

@jeeves sadly there are so many if us here that understand so no you are very much not alone we all got you sweetie. Hope youve had a better day. Stay safe and strong xxxx

[Dino]

@Jeeves, @nbumblebee & eggshells,

I’m so glad someone has put this into words so clearly, I too have had problems in this area, I cant stand being touched by him, this makes him even more mad, but it’s not surprising when they are using coersive control over someone, making them feel so bad about themselves, getting mad at you when they’re not getting attention, its a constant battle & I’m tired of it, I feel all your pain, thank you for sharing & helping me not feel alone in this. X

[Darknessallaround]

Mine also gives the response at least I don’t hit you… As if that makes it ok then.

They do make the verbal and emotional abuse seem like it’s nothing, and get us second guessing ourselves. We then minimise their behaviour and convince ourselves that it isn’t really that bad.

You’d think being wise to it would make a difference. It doesn’t. At least not with me. Some sort of cognitive dissonance going on. Can’t accept or believe what I know to be true.

[gettingtired]

Yes my ex continuously did this when I’d be upset over him calling me names. He would gaslight me and say that it was all I cared about and not the actual argument (even though I never really knew what we were arguing about in the first place!). He’d accuse me of being petty if I was upset that he called me swear words! In the end, I learnt to not even bother complaining about it and I’m ashamed to say I would just call him names back as I was so frustrated at the situation. I would never dream of calling people those words in my normal day to day life if I had a disagreement with someone. He really brought out the worst in me and I didn’t recognise myself with all of the anger I was feeling. Of course I was still always walking on eggshells, knowing I could never show too much anger as he would just double down and all Hell would break loose. It’s gaslighting and deflection, like Eggshells said, they will just never take any accountability x

[BirdieD]

I am only just learning what sexual coercion is and this has been happening to me for many years, long before any physical aggression.
Most of the time he says I’ve teased him so have to follow through or that we haven’t done it for ages and it’s my duty as his wife. I’ll go get it’s else where then (to which I respond “please do!”) if I do give in and have sex with him it wasn’t good enough or he could tell I wasn’t into it! Well duh!
If I don’t have sex with him then he will stop talking to me: for which I no longer care but it used to make me feel awful and a failure – he did this during the six week recovery period after my baby was born I had to show him google evidence that I should not be having sex.
Abuse grows like tumours some quicker and more aggressive then others, but it’s all bad nonetheless.
I have no advice other than I didn’t realise this is a thing so I’m guessing most women and men don’t either!

[Everhopeful321]

After all my babies, he also always wanted sex again within a couple of weeks. I’d blanked this out,but seeing what you’ve written reminded me. I know at the time I definitely didn’t feel physically mentally or emotionally ready but I went along with it. It was nearly like I was supposed to feel sorry for him because his needs weren’t being met? Reading this it sounds absolutely bonkers. What am I still doing here, why can’t I just see it for what it is?

[nbumblebee]

I am finding this post so sad as I cant believe there are so many of us like this but I am sitting here crying with relief and i am sorry I know that sounds so wrong but to know this is really a thing is something else it really is. My counsellor has told me what I experience can be classed as rape which is tough and no I dont believe that just like I dont believe the word abuse in my own situation but listening to all of you describing things feelings that I have is so eye opening I cant believe it I honestly cant. You always think you are alone you always doubt what you hear how they make you feel I always feel so full of guilt I hate myself with such venom but today reading this so many here agreeing feeling going through the same Im starting to maybe think it is a thing a bad thing it cant be my fault can it?
I wonder if they know what they are doing is wrong?
Sorry to ramble on, Thank you for sharing your stories xxxxxx

[Author]

Posts