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Hi beautiful wonderful women,
I felt drawn to write this post as this is what started my journey out of domestic abuse
So often in an abusive relationship, and this is echoed all the time on the forum we are analysing these men using tireless amounts of energy, that lets be honest when we are living with an abuser we don’t even have in the first place
Yes I agree it is useful to have an awareness of how these men behave and the cycle and patterns of abuse
However … and here I go! … this just takes energy and focus away from us
I spent months using my energy to analyse this strange man I had somehow got myself involved with … I was like a little alien landed from space, curious of this weird character that I had never seen anything like before
Id never seen anyone behave in such an irrational way over the smallest of things, it took my brain sometime to adjust to and I just kept trying to reason it … with black whole questions, for black whole answers … why why why … Id never get to the end of analysing him … he didn’t know himself so I wasn’t going to
I also spent months of wasted energy hating on this man wishing terrible things would happen to him just to get him away from me
What an absolute waste of energy that I could have been pouring into myself
Then something changed and I have to be really honest with you now I don’t exactly know how or what, I would probably say divine intervention, my Angels x
I began to view my ex differently, in a way that it wasn’t about him anymore it was about me … yes I had to ‘manage’ him and spend my days with him but the hate started to be replaced with love … love for myself
Once you take your focus off yourself you are at the mercy of whatever you have put your focus on. You cannot set boundaries or be respected as you want to be until you set a focus on you to have boundaries and respect yourself
This isn’t always an easy thing to do, although I do believe that when you are truly heading in the right direction things will flow more easily
You probably see on my other posts its about small steps selfcare … diet, drinking water, exercise, sleep, nature, checking in with yourself … being kind to yourself and being your own best friend
It always has to start with you
Once these things are in place you don’t need to analyse people anymore, you just know that when you meet them they are not the type of person you want around you and are able to push them away, whether that be in friendships, relationships or at work
Please please please my darlings start today and do just one self care thing for yourself… look at the woman looking back at you in the mirror and ask her what she needs, she’s ready for you to notice and love her
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx -
Hey Darcy
I wholeheartedly agree!
Having had a really good counsellor who helped me understand what I’d gone through abuse wise, she then moved me onto me. What do I need? what do I want? What do I think? how am I going to deal with things?, etc. And I spent a long time focusing on this which has been so helpful.
It’s a powerful day when you finally realise it’s not about them anymore. I’m still going through legal/child contact stuff and will be for a long time. It can be very stressful especially last couple of months. But I’m managing it and I’ve accepted it’s going to be this way whilst there is any sort of contact. So I’ve changed how I’m dealing with it. I put time aside to deal with whatever and then I put it and him out of my mind. If it pops back in, I say no and try and turn my mind to something else that’s good and all about me and my child.
And whatever his antics now, Im coming back bigger and better each time. I might have a little freak out (only human!) but I’m getting over them quicker each time. And that’s because I’m focusing on my reaction and my self care, not his.
Def going to follow your advice and do a self care thing every day. We’re so worth it ❤️ Xx
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Hi my darling… Lifebegins,
Thank you for your lovely reply
You sound like you are really on the right track to move forward, well done you!
Men like this always have some drama surrounding them that they will never resolve, all we can do is work towards moving away from them and getting ourselves strong
When we set strong firm foundations its harder for us to be rocked
I hope your contact gets sorted out soon … keep up the selfcare
Lots of love
D xx
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Wow what a post. Im sitting in my car waiting for my counselling session to start wondering wjat i should say today 🙄 i feel so numb and am struggling with his niceness like you say im trying to understand how he can be so nice bit knowing it wknt last at some point it will turn he will turn its that wait that kills me.
I drive myself crazy trying to understand him try and calm him change him i think many of us do dont we? This is a great post thank you it is getting me thinking I dont like me I dont like me at all maybe thats where i should focas my energy and not trying to figure him out.
Trouble is he calls me selfish for working when i know he hates it he says its all about me all the time and I do feel selfish i do hate myself for how angry I make him so Im gonna struggle i think with trying to focas on me but Id like to try maybe thats my next step xxxxx-
Hi my darling… nbumblebee,
Thank you for your reply
I know its hard but start to question what you don’t like about yourself and why, then send that part of you, whether physical or emotional a little love
Its not easy and it feels uncomfortable, but we have to move through things to get passed them
It’s great that you are receiving counselling, I hope the session today went well
Remember it is a process and it does take time but as long as you are moving in the right direction you are on the right path
Sending you continued love and support
D xx -
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You certainly are not alone, nbumblebee,
We all sleep under the same moon
When I was with my ex I use to stand at the sink washing up with the blinds open, I’d look up at the moon and feel reassured that my sister was under and could see the same moon as me … something inside me told me she was thinking the same and I felt connected to her … to my family
If you feel alone look up at the moon and know that you are connected too
You are never so lost that someone doesn’t know where you are xx -
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Thank you for this Darcy.
I have read all of the books on abuse/n********m under the sun and I still can’t get my head around his behaviour. You’re right, it’s wasted energy. I guess when you’ve got attachment issues your brain is desperate to rationalise things in some way to justify keeping yourself in the relationship.
I’m trying so hard to stay positive but all I can see is my life passing me by and time ticking on. It’s such a viscious circle as this then adds to the anxiety!
Sorry, hope I haven’t put a negative spin on your post. I really appreciate what you’ve posted; it’s given me a bit of positivity on a dark day so thank you x*x-
Hi beautiful Angel… getting tired,
Don’t forget how far you have come and all the work you have already put into yourself … you are completely on the right track
Nothing in life that is meant for you will pass you by, so don’t worry about that, your time will soon come
I totally understand how you want to reason everything, but sometimes accepting that you cant is the better option … somethings are just the way they are
Stay positive and put the self care work in everyday… it is especially important to do it on the days you really don’t feel like doing it
I believe in your strength
D xx
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In addition to this wonderful post may I add the Serenity Prayer…
May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the differenceWe can’t change them, we can only change ourselves and the way we react to them ladies. The power to a better life actually lies within us 🙂
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Thanks so much Darcy – I’m definitely at this stage and needed to read this. I keep tormenting myself by trying to figure him out and wondering what I could have done differently and wondering what he’s like now in his new relationship ….but I know it’s utterly pointless and a total waste of energy, no good will come of it. I’ve just got to push myself to move forward more. Thanks again ❤️
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My best advice to you … Weemebreeze, figure yourself out, once you have done this you wont be bothered to figure him out or what he is up to
Get to know the true you above anything else
You did exactly what you needed to do with the knowledge that you had at that time so you don’t need to forgive yourself … just go back and tell that part of you that she did the best she could and now the new you will take care of her and that she is safe (a bit of inner child work)
Do not allow this man to take up anymore of your head space than he already has … you got this!
Lots of love
D xx
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Hi Darcy
Wow what a post, thank you so much for this. You are so right , I spend 24/7 focusing on him and his abuse that I have completely forgotten about myself . My whole time is taken up with worrying, wondering about what he’s going to do/say. Thank you again Darcy I am going to have some me time today , take care XX
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Hi beautiful … Cedarlemon,
I know how hard it is to focus on yourself at the best of times, never mind living with an abusive man… they consume you
Believe me though just the smallest of selfcare act everyday will start to build up, you don’t have to show it outwardly to him or anyone else until you are strong enough to, just knowing that you have listened to the voice inside you on a day to day is enough.
Keep moving forward my darling it does work
D xx
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Nice post darcy I’m gonna second third fourth fifth and sixth all of that , way too much focus goes on them during and after, we will never figure them out and focus needs to go back on ourselves, we forgot ourself during and denied a lot (with a little help 🙄) yeah self care lots and lots and lots and lots forever 💜💗💜
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Darcy ❤ thank you for this post…. I hope to get there soon. I have stopped trying to figure him out all the time and have started some self care in the last week or so (since zero contact).
So maybe I am entering a new phase of this long journey to freedom and peace, I don’t know but your words made sense and are true x*x -
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Yes, I completely agree! What a great thread to start, Darcy. I think it’s important to know that the abuse is all about the abuser and to have some understanding that abuse is all about control so you don’t allow the focus on yourself to be “how can I help him? What did I do to cause this?” etc. But endlessly analysing his behaviour is fruitless can keeps you under his power. In fact, he actually wants you to keep trying to work it all out, because he knows it keeps you stuck.
I guess we all come to this forum at different stages. I was fortunate that learning about abuse felt like a missing piece of the puzzle. I must have already been close to letting go of all the wondering why, which I had done for many years. But I appreciate that not esveryone has that experience.
Any repetitive thought patterns that don’t get us anywhere good are taking up valuable energy. Of course it’s easier said than done. I just heard some advice today, which was that the mind usually wants to be busy trying to solve problems, which can keep you stuck in really negative thought patterns, so give it a positive problem to solve instead. So instead of asking “why did he do that?”, ask something like “how can I support myself to find my inner courage?”. You don’t need to then work hard trying to find the answer. The mind is more than capable of coming up with lots of ideas. But you can give it regular nudges to keep it on a more helpful track. The mind is a good servant but a terrible master. xxxx
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This is a great idea of turning the questions round. I often drive myself crazy asking why what did i do wrong why is he like this?
Maybe we need to reframe the questions as you say what can i do to help myself find courage?
I started some affirmations today to try and make a start on a bit of self kindness. X -
Affirmations are great … do them every morning in the mirror … at least 3 times of each affirmation
Make sure they are in the present tense … for example
NOT – I am going to be safe, INSTEAD – I am safe and protected
This then tricks your mind into thinking you already are and you start to become that way, whatever it is you are affirming xx -
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Hi Beautiful… ISOPeace,
I love that saying ‘The mind is a good servant but a terrible master’
It really is a daily practice … we wouldn’t get a six pack in a week or even a month, it takes continued hours at the gym working the muscles … your mind is no different …Put the work in and you WILL get the results
D xx
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Just a bump – I read this thread every day and find it so helpful, thankyou so much @darcy x
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Darcy thank you for this.
I have stopped trying to work him out, I am just angry with him for making me so afraid, playing on my anxieties, taking away years of my life when I could of been happy, leaving me in this wierd, bewildering state of limbo. I don’t want to waste my energy on being angry, but its a feeling I have to acknowlege I have at the moment.
But I am so grateful for what I have learnt about myself from it, I am stronger than I thought, more resiliant. I know what my boundaries are now. Any red flags and I feel I have what it takes to walk away. In practise, who knows, but that is the strength I wish to achieve. Right now I need to decompress…. focus on me, but I will come back stronger xx
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Hi bestchance,
You are doing so well with your journey. Anger is perfectly acceptable to have as long as you channel it wisely, just remember ‘danger’ is anger gone wrong. We need to process the anger and work it out of our system so that we can find a place of acceptance to what has happened. We need to ‘accept’ in order to move on. Many people stay stuck in a place in their life where they wish for a better past. Instead we need to wish for a better future because that IS something we can do something about. Instead of trying to change ‘him’ we need to try and change ourselves, because it is mainly only ourselves that can get us out of these abusive situations with the tools we pick up along the way. It looks like your tool kit is getting well stashed already 🙂
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Hi beautiful…Bestchance07,
You sound like you are definitely on the right path… keep getting strong and empowered
I bet if you look back at where you were this time last year you wouldn’t believe how far you have come
It great you can see the red flags now, I am super excited for you moving forward
Much love
D xx
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These words are so encouraging. I feel like I have spent years of my life trying to understand my husband, trying to find a reason for why he behaves as he does and pre-empting how he will react to certain things, making sure decisions I make are in line with what he would want to do (which is often completely impossible as he will often then say the opposite)…but now I don’t even know where to start with me. I don’t know what I like doing, I have very little contact with friends and limited contact with family, who when I do see, I feel like all I do is blurt out all the things that have happened since I last spoke to them. I know it’s baby steps but I don’t even know where to start somehow. I don’t mean to make this negative but it just sounds such simple advice, I don’t know why I can’t see how to do it.
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Hi my darling Everhopeful321,
To quote Oprah… ‘when you don’t know what to do, do nothing, be still’ That’s all you need to do … and in that stillness the answer for that moment will come.
Living in such a chaotic way with an abuser does not give us the chance to be able to hear our own inner voice, but even grabbing 5 minutes when you are on the loo or in the bath to quieten the mind the more chance you give yourself of hearing what you truly need to do
For me it was going back to basics… My ex would not let me go anywhere without him so I had to get creative in our home. I thought back to what I would do when I was little on those boring raining school holiday days… what my Mum would do with me. Things like cooking, crafting, reading and planting things in pots.
Think what you liked doing when you were a child, maybe singing and dancing … try to bring just one thing back into your life that has slipped away.
I think we think that it has to be a massive ‘aha’ moment or the voice of God speaking to us … but its not like that … its just little things … doing a big stretch in the morning … going outside and really breathing in the cold frosty air, even just drinking more water
Small steps… believe me they all add up
I believe you have this in you … I believe in you xx -
So I tried to arrange one thing for myself, I mentioned it to my husband, he appeared to have no objections…after a couple of days I booked it (it’s something that will be an hour or so, nothing major) and told my husband. He went extremely quiet, all mannerisms changed completely. I tried to ignore it but eventually asked what was wrong – he said he was upset that I’d gone ahead and booked something for myself without discussing it. I tried to say that I thought I had discussed it, that I was trying to do something for myself, to help me feel better but it just escalated. For hours, till (detail removed by Moderator) he went over and over it, I’d gone behind his back, I was being secretive, I cared more about doing things for myself than with him or the children, on and on till I was in bits, him not much better.
I’d tried to tell myself that this feeling of being unable to do anything on my own or for myself was all in my head but I think this just shows it isn’t.
He blames his mental health, says he feels everyone is against him including me, everyone is hiding things from him and he is insecure so I should know how this would make him feel. So then I feel awful, so trapped, so controlled and so unable to see a way of things ever improving
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Hi Everhopeful321,
Well done for going ahead and organising something for yourself
I am sorry you were not able to go through with this
Once your partner starts to see that you are gaining control again and empowering yourself he will shut you down through his own fear
Maybe this step was just a little to big for both of you… Please please please don’t give up though and feel disheartened … it takes time and its lots of little steps
Try and start a little smaller and just do things at home where it is not really effecting him or he notices to much
You need to safe guard yourself while you gather your strength
Try simple acts of self care, a lovely bubble bath, clean up your diet and start exercising, … even if that’s just around the house going up and down the stairs a few extra times… plenty of water. Do some stretching(yoga) start to connect to your body and your heart and what it really needs.
Start reading anything positive that you can … get creative and do things with your children that you use to enjoy when you were little … connect with nature, the earth , the moon… do some affirmations and constantly repeat them in your head
Its all about stages … don’t run before you are steady enough on your feet to walk strong
Never give up hope … it can be done
xx -
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It has to start somewhere my darling so 10 minutes is amazing … that’s 10 minutes more than you have been giving yourself
Make sure you give yourself some credit for this
Try and continue this daily, it may not be walking but just 10 minutes of something just for you … even if that’s just the ritual of making a nice hot drink and drinking it completely focused on you or applying some body moisturiser and enjoying the scent while you do
Once you start to become present in the moment of what you are doing, whatever it is, you will begin to become more connected to you and want to give yourself that love, time and respect everyday
Dont ever give up hope … you have this xx -
I connect with this so much. Things that he denies I told him, when I’m certain that I have.
Afraid to book to do my hair as it takes 2hours and he could have “pressing things to do”. Now as things are c**p with us I’ve said a few times I want to separate, he will always agree to mind kids rather than let my mother do it. As a result she sees them less now.
I’m afraid to make plans for myself and if I do, stress about getting up the courage to tell him I’ve made plans. he would never suggest I do anything for myself. All of what he does is so subtle, he is directly saying no you can’t do whatever, but its the comments, reactions, deep sighs or “sure if I must” or “if I have to”, rather than willingly wanting to mind his children. Yet then he has started telling people I don’t allow him to do things with the kids.
Blames me for not supporting him enough re his depression and when I said I’ve done my very best, be told I didn’t ask him what support he actually wanted. I can never win. He is always the victim, its always someone elses fault.
I’m slowly seeing through all of this, but its so hard to find a way through. I need to find strength to tell him to go!Mind yourself and please do start doing the little things for you. It will ease a bit of pressure. xx
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Thank you for this reminder. I think it is important to remember that we are in control now, we have our power and our voices back. Sometimes when I feel small and beaten down, I need to remember to remind myself of this x
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That’s all it is sleeplessnight123… you have said that beautifully… a reminder
A daily practice, its like building a muscle in the gym, we have to do it everyday
And remember that is why it is called a practice … we are practicing everyday, and some days will be better than others, but we have at least got to try.
Keep reminding yourself of this my darling … you got this!
D xx
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Thank you Darcy. I am new here but this is perfect. I am so tired of thinking about him. I m out and free but I still think about him all the time and try and work out what happened, why it happened and why me. I am so fed up of my own thoughts. I am not sure I will ever get an answer. Although I find great solace in understanding his abusive behaviours are nothing to do with me, I am no longer going to let him control my life and mind, even from afar.
I am focusing on me.
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Welcome to the forum Angel…wildandfree,
I am so glad you are out.
Having an understanding of abusive is very helpful, however you may never get to the bottom of him, like I said they are black holes!
That’s great you are now focusing on you … it’s the only way.
Understand yourself before anyone else … who better to plough your time, love and attention into
Sending you continued love and support
D xx
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