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What is it like afterwards? Like being a hostage who has been freed from an underground prison. I keep things in the fridge in a haphazard way. Every one knows about the fridge, the control. Now I have matching duvets and pillowcases in pink colours, freshly washed and ironed. Just waking up is a miracle because I know that I will not be abused today, tomorrow and any day. Every day is a miracle, anew beginning with a vast landscape of possibilities. I can dress up pretty and not be sneered at. I can watch rom coms on tv an enjoy them openly. I can sing…havet done that for years. leave the dishes in the sink for days if I like. Then I wash them properly. I am warm, I have the house at a temperature that is healthy and good. The heat is amazing.I have properly hot showers.
he denied me this for decades. If something needs fixed the landlord sorts it out cheerily without screaming in my face that it cant be done because its too expensive and I waste money.
the landlady keeps asking me if I am ok. At first I was amazed- cant she see how incredibly lucky I am to be on my own free to choose what I do every day? But of course to her it’s just normal life. I am physically comfortable, and realise just how deprived of basic warmth and survival things, shoes, pants, underwear, friends, holidays,-everything- during the life with the monster, for that is what he is.
Then sadly I realised that she has shown me more concern in our conversations than he did in decades of marriage. She always always asks me how I am and if I need anything. I find this really hard to take and it makes me want to cry. I accept that I need to cry, I don’t stop my feelings. I feel I don’t deserve her concern and hide away, marvelling at it.I registered at a new survey and the doctor phoned me to ask if I was ok during the lockdown. big cries, incredulous that some one os being so caring to me, I am not worthy of it.
No one has been nasty or abusive to me since the day I left- he berated me on the door step as I packed, and had to leave quickly, in fear. Then I had a legal letter from him saying he doesn’t know why I left – there is an implied threat here because it was during lockdown and he implies I acted illegally. Phew that brought me back to earth, the normality of his abuse. But I revelled in my distance from him. Hahaha cant get me now. Yes its a roller coaster but that I better than the long cold grey misery of his prison. -
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Oh I’m so very pleased for you honey, this was a real pleasure to read 😊
I remember how worried I was for you when he made you live without heater turned on, i found it so very cruel and absolutely awful. I’m so glad you are now free to turn it full on and be warm finally. Yes!!💪You know, abusers go about their abuse very systematically if you think about it. They deprive their partner of their needs. Look up the Maslow’s Pyramid of Needs. They start at the top, chip away at our self-esteem and work their way down, keep on abusing us till they reach our very basic physiological needs.
I can relate very much to how you react to the question How are you? Do you mean me? It always takes me off balance, I don’t know what to answer, I am not used to this question and usually don’t quite know how I feel. Yet it is such a basic question, caring and attentive. Someones is caring enough to ask how YOU are doing, isn’t that fantastic ☺️ that shows you do matter, you are important, you are kind, you are worthy 💕
I am so very glad you are safe now, free to enjoy your life, your daily life and got everything you need.
Enjoy your freedom lovely, you deserve it so very much.
Well done! Big hugs to you 🤗 -
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Heartwarming!!!! Love it!! And yes this is what life can be all about. So true about it being like a prison before. Very same tactics used. Enjoy and take in all the kindness from others. Cry, let it out, it washes you. Big Hugs!!
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