Getting out with 2 young children, I don't want to deal with him anymore

[Itsmylife]

Over the last few days I’ve realised that I’ve had enough and I want to get out. I deserve to be happier, I deserve to live life on my own terms without someone dictating what I can and can’t do with my children.
But how do I get out with 2 young children (detail removed by moderaor) he will try and tell me I don’t just get to have them, he will get nasty and he will make me feel guilty for breaking up our family.
He can’t see that his ways, the way he talks to me is what has got me to this point.

He’s currently at work and the thought of him coming home early makes me feel anxious, sick and on edge because I don’t want to have to deal with going over everything again. (we spoke/argued last night)

I just want to go and not have to deal with him anymore but I have my babies and no money. The money we have is what he earns.

What can I do?

[KIP.]

Find your local women’s aid and go into a refuge with your children where you can get financial and legal help. I lived like you for decades and became a shell of a person. A non person. Depressed. Too scared to leave and terrified to stay. There is help out there for you. Start with the helpline on here x

[Itsmylife]

Thankyou for your reply KIP.
He’s been texting me today and I have just mostly ignored him which I feel bad about first it started with ‘is it going to be like this all weekend then?’ then he’s caring and wants to know if me and my son are OK then telling me he doesn’t want us to be apart, he loves me and wants us to be a perfect family.

I replied and said it won’t be perfect though because he has to be in control and using the children to punish my mum isn’t fair on the children. (he hates my mum after a family fall out, now I’ve got back on track with my mum he doesn’t like it. She wants to take me and my boys away for a weekend with my grandad as he wants a break but my nan passed and we don’t want him going alone)but he won’t allow our children to go away with my mum.

I’m just dreading having to see him and deal with him and the situation.
If I had somewhere else to go temporarily for now and looked for a permanent home for us would I get benefits to help me? Do I have to go down a certain route or can I just claim on hmrc? X

[KIP.]

Your local women’s aid deal with women in your situation all the time. They have contacts in housing and can advise you on benefits. Don’t get into an argument with him and don’t tell him you’re thinking of leaving. These men are dangerous when they lose control. Can you stay with your mum meantime? Google the cycle of abuse x I believe if you’re fleeing domestic abuse you’re entitled to accommodation. Women’s Aid really are the ones to help. Ring the helpline on here and chat to them x

[Tiffany]

I would second KIP. Refuge sounds best and safest in your position. They will be able to support you to sort everything out. You absolutely can take your kids away from their father if he is abusive – and someone who uses kids as pawns to upset their grandmother is clearly abusive. Don’t discuss it with him. Just go. Everything else can be sorted once you are out. He is using fear, obligation and guilt to keep you in the relationship and none of them are good reasons to stay (even though they can feel insurmountable when he bombards you with them). Being unhappy really is a perfectly valid reason for leaving, even if you have kids. If he wasn’t abusive and you were as unhappy as you are now then you would probably have had an amicable split, because no kind and reasonable partner would force you to stay if the relationship was making you as unhappy as it clearly is. It’s only because he is abusive, enjoys controlling you and doesn’t care about the impact of his behaviour on your happiness that you are still with him. And you can’t improve a relationship with someone if they don’t care about your happiness. I learned that after years of working on a one sided relationship with an abuser. I tried again and again to make things work, to be fair, to understand his point of view. Things simply got worse and worse. The only option is to leave and protect yourself, and the safest way to do that is without telling them. Get help from women’s aid. You can do this, and it will improve your life and the life of your children immeasurably.

[Anonymous]

I’m just posting to let you know that you’re not alone with this. I’m in the exactly the same position and think every day about what I can do to get out of it. I’m currently applying for a non-molestation order/non occupation but I’m fearful of doing so so I may not go through with it. If it’s not granted it will strengthen him and weaken me and I will have been through the whole distressing and expensive process only to end up in a worse position. I really feel for you and I hope you find the strength to get out of your situation soon.

[Itsmylife]

Hi ladies thanks for your replies.
I’m worried that I’ve made this all seem worse than it is? He’s not violent at all. It’s just the way he is, the way he talks, the sarcastic attitude he gets when we’re trying to talk and he doesn’t like what I say. There’s so many little things that over time have just pushed me to the point where I don’t want to be around him anymore. There’s no joy and I do feel anxious that I’m either not doing enough around the house or that I’m not showing him enough affection (there’s been none lately because I don’t want to which is an issue for him) I understand him not liking that because I’d feel unloved and pushed away if he didn’t show me any affection, well he doesn’t show much to be honest and when he does most of the time he always wants it to lead to sex which I don’t always want.

Anyway sorry I keep going off on a tangent, basically I know I’ve had enough, it’s just not working for me anymore. But now that he’s worried it’s the end he’s trying to talk things through and I can tell he’s upset which makes me feel guilty. But I know that as soon as I say I don’t want to be with him anymore that will change. Again he won’t get violent but I know he want handle things very well. He will be horrible to deal with I’ll feel anxious, worried about the way he will talk to me, thing things he might say. And my main concern is our children, do I have a right to just go to my mums with them If he’s not physically
abusive? Whether he means to do it or not there has definitely been emotional abuse and control issues along the way.
He’s at the park with our children now and I feel ill which is why I haven’t gone. But I actually think I feel ill due to stress. And I’m dreading him coming back because he’s gonna want to carry on talking about it all. I suppose I’m just too scared to come out and say I’ve had enough I don’t want to be with him.

[Itsmylife]

I don’t want to be without my boys but do I have a right to have them if I’m ending the relationship? X

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there good morning.
Wondering how things are this morning?
Would join with the others in saying refuge the best option.
If you are the primary carer which it sounds like you are, you stand the best chance of staying together if you leave for refuge.
It is not going to be easy but once you are away from the situation and supported by people with training and knowledge you will probably sleep better and have more space in your head to move forward and more strength to do what you need to do.
all best
ftcx

[KIP.]

Nobody should be scared of their partner. That’s a huge red flag. I didn’t think my ex was violent but trapping me in a room, threatening behaviour etc is violence. Eventually he was physically violent and was arrested. All after I wanted to leave and he couldn’t change my mind. Get to safety with your children. Then work things out in your head. My ex could always sense when I’d had enough and the honeymoon period would begin all over again. It’s the cycle of abuse. Try to remember the beginning of your relationship. Did he treat you well, was he controlling then. The controlling behaviour comes once they have hooked us in x

[itwillbeokay]

Hello and a huge hug! I totally relate to your post. I have two boys, similar age to yours, I left their father, my husband, who I have loved and lived in hope things would get better with for (detail removed by moderator). I left after another evening of abuse after packing a load of stuff into two bags at midnight in the dark, I got into bed whilst he drank downstairs and in the morning I got up, got my boys ready and told the older one we were off to visit Grandma. Then I told my husband I was leaving and we walked out the door and out of the city we lived in, into my parents spare bedroom and never went back. We now live in a flat the three of us and I’m rebuilding our lives bit by bit. It’s not easy emotionally, I’m in counselling, I’m made to feel bad by my husband as he minimises why I’ve left but I know why and I know I’d come to the end with it all. I listen to guided self help on YouTube to help me process and come to terms as it’s very difficult to make sense of it all. But I’ve done the right thing, my head knows even if my heart sometimes doesn’t.

Sending lots of love. Go to your Mums. Pack stuff secretly and get out. Figure out the rest from afar. I never went back apart from to move out. It’s not easy. But it is right. My husband had also started to turn against my family, very subtle isolation of me I now believe as they’d done nothing to deserve his verbal abuse and vitriol much like I hadn’t either. It all just seems to escalate and get worse not better sadly. I kept hoping it would all get better 🙁

Xx

[freedomtochoose]

hoping it is okay to disagree with lovely itwillbeokay,
if you go to your mums there will be compliications and lack of professional support.
I think you need the professional support for yourself and kids
therefore please try the refuge option
thanks
ftc
x

[Lisa]

Hello Itsmylife,

I just wanted to see how you are. I am so pleased to see that you are getting some good support from the forum. Please try to find a safe time to talk through all your options with the helpline. You can take your children to your Mums or to a refuge so please don’t worry about that but please do not let him know what you are thinking. He sounds very controlling and it is interesting that you are worried about not having any money as perhaps he is financially abusing you by keeping you very short of cash. There is a good website at http://www.turn2us.org.uk that might be able to help you see what benefits and financial support you could be entitled to. Please have a look at that and phone the helpline and then let us know how you are getting on. You and your children deserve to be happy and free from abuse and fear.

Kind regards,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Itsmylife]

Thankyou for all your replies.
We got through the weekend! But He’s been saying to me you don’t want this do you, if your not 100% in it then it’s not fair for you to stay. Which he’s right it’s not fair on any of us. But I can’t help but think that if I actually said well no I’m not happy that then he would start trying to tell me he’s having the children and that they can’t see my mum let alone go away for the weekend.
The weekend away is booked and it’s for this weekend and I still haven’t told him!
I thought about just going to my mums today and that being it, but I feel sly and like everyone would think bad of me. I know I shouldn’t care about what anyone else thinks. My eldest has sports day tomorrow that we are both planning on going to. All these little things are putting me off because I don’t want it to be awkward when we then have to do them. I know I just need to do what feels right for myself and my children.

I could go to my mums I’m sure, she’s in hospital right now hoping to be better for the weekend but my dad will be there. I know deep down it will be better once I just do it but I know it’s gonna come with a lot of hastle and upset for my children as they won’t want to be away from their dad.

[KIP.]

Your gut is right. He’s trying to test what you’re thinking. Trying to fish for information. They are liars. As soon as you say ok let’s separate his whole persona will change. You cannot negotiate with abusers. You need to get out and distance yourself.

[Itsmylife]

Am I better off going and then claiming some kind of benefits? I’m confused about what to do as I don’t know what my living situation is going to be.
I get so anxious about ringing these things, I don’t even like ringing the doctors. I always think they will think I’m being silly or it’s all in my head.

I’m gonna try and ring today. X

[Itsmylife]

That’s what I fear will happen so haven’t said anything.

Thanks kip x

[KIP.]

Keep trying the Women’s Aid helpline. They will deal with ladies fleeing all the time and will know what to do about benefits etc. Your local women’s aid would be a great place to start. Nobody ever thought I was lying. It was all in my mind when he had told me for years that no one would believe me. You will have to take that leap of faith. I did and it was totally what I needed. Someone else who had my best interests at heart to take over.

[Itsmylife]

Thankyou kip, I have been trying to get through to the helpline, I wanted to have my info together today so that I could just get out of here but I’m running out of time now as it’s almost time for the school run then he will be home soon.

We have sports day tomorrow for my eldest so one more day will make that easier I suppose but I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the charade. And I STILL haven’t told him about (detail removed by moderator) this weekend away because I know he won’t be happy. I wanted to just be out of here so he couldn’t have that control over us going away for the weekend. X

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