Getting over what’s "normal"

[hop]

I absolutely know everyone on here must be having a bad day of some sort and I’m so lucky to have my own place and a loving extended family who love me and my children very much but I need to get this out. I hope that everyone is safe as they can be and that we, together, get through this relatively unscathed ladies 💜
I grew up in a disfunctional household with alcoholism, violence and a mad parent trying to pretend none of it was going on,until finally they heard the rogue parent trying to kill me when the (detail removed by moderator). This was not the first time I had nearly been stabbed (although the last) and in my fear I had gone for the parent and nearly committed unimaginable violence to someone else, to my protector. I was so scared when I lunged that I threw the knife (which nearly hit my dog) and when the other parent came back I was so frightened as to what would happen I didn’t realise that I was getting in trouble for attacking my dog as oppose to a human. At the time I felt relief that nobody knew I tried to stab someone that I didn’t even think about it not being mentioned. Before I reached adulthood my normal parent had had cancer and needed to recuperate away from the bedlam that was home and so went on a few short trips. During that time I was scared for my safety but also in the night I had to barricade my room and I slept in the cupboard because they kept trying to come in my room p****d, in a rage not knowing why they wanted to come in……i was never sexually assaulted but if we did something naughty we were made to stand there whilst the offending parent showered, dried and dressed themselves in some wierd act of humiliation. I got hit and lifted off the floor by my neck. Anyway why am I saying all this. I had emdr a very long time ago and I’ve made peace with my childhood. The alcoholic doesn’t drink anymore and is in fact a decent person and parent/grandparent. I’ve been having therapy because of the abusive relationship I was in with the kids dad and now it’s come to light that it’s me, I f**k everything up. I push everyone away and only the most hardy of people can bear to be near me. I don’t even know how to be kind to myself, it’s shameful! I used to Rob off my mum and dad when I was younger and I remember once eating a (detail removed by moderator) and they knew. We were interrogated until I admitted it. Over a table alone for a few days…..remembering this stuff is wierd because I had a good childhood but stuff like this happened a lot over relatively nothing.
I don’t know my point any more but I think that I need to get the jumble out because my childhood wasn’t conventional but it was what it was. Ohh I don’t know……this therapy is messing with me

 

[Lisa]

Hi Freedomfries01

I just wanted to show you some support, I hope you are safe too.

Your childhood sounds very traumatic, you were only a child and you can’t be blamed for your actions. You were emotionally and physically abused, an adult exposing themselves to a child is sexual abuse too. You are such as a strong person, I am glad you feel like you have made peace with your childhood.

It sounds like you are really hard on yourself but actually you are not to blame for any of this. Please try and look after yourself today and do at least one nice thing for yourself.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[hop]

I told a therapist years ago about that and he just said it was a tool of humiliation. Me and my siblings promised we’d never speak of it again in our teen years and never have.
You say the same things my therapist says about blaming myself. If you’re saying that what I described is abuse more than humiliation then I don’t think I can tell her because I don’t want people to think badly about my family. It’s bad enough people knowing I was abused by my ex……i feel quite sickened by it all, but with myself. Thanks lisa x

[hop]

I spilled the beans I’ve got to admit it’s much easier for me to say things I don’t want to in the confines of my own home. I don’t know how I feel about it. She thinks it was more than humiliation as well. I don’t want it to be, I don’t want to that person that all that s**t stuff has happened to. Why can’t I have a normal amount of problems instead of everything being so complicated and deep rooted. Oh my word I wish that this wasn’t happening again!

[hop]

I can’t sleep, I can’t eat properly. I feel like I’ve been really disloyal to my family and I’ve betrayed them. Everything turns bad that I go near. We’ve got so close over the years and it feels like a gross betrayal of that work that has been done. I suppose it makes more sense as to why I don’t know what’s bad and what’s not. After being asked what word I’d use to describe something like that happening to one of my own I know exactly what I’d say about him but I could never think of it that way. I’ve just had a seriously bad run of things being not quite right with my relationships but I bring everybody down, I’m hard to be around….i get so anxious as nd obsessive that it puts everyone near me on edge so it’s better I keep away. That must be why I push people away and make myself difficult to love and be around. The only person I blame is myself. I can’t stand the thought of anybody thinking horrible things about my parents. I love them very dearly and each and every day they go above and beyond to do things for me that I really don’t deserve. Im glad I can’t see any of them whilst I’m ploughing through this because I can’t act normal round anyone.

[Author]

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