Give me some space! Help.

[Teaandcats]

A few weeks ago I told family what has been going on and about the abuse, and, to my surprise, this conversation went well and I felt supported. I took advice from some of you ladies here in how to go about talking to family and about how to establish boundaries about when I will be in a position to talk details etc. Noone has pressed me for information, Noone has tried to initiate a conversation…

But.

Since then, one person in particular has been there constantly. Messaging, making plans that they expect me to be a part of, offering their ‘help’ with everything from paying for things (and I’m talking big things!) to invites for dinner, bringing around items to help with household stuff, telling me what they’re going to do to make my life easier… I know it’s from a loving place and they’re trying to help, but I don’t want it.

I don’t want someone there all the time. I dont want someone else being involved in everything, turning up and texting and calling all the time. They’re tip-toeing around me and treating me like I might suddenly break and saying things like “you’ve been through so much!”. Yes, I have. But I want normal. Please let me have normal.
It’s overwhelming and I just want time and space and to be left alone for a bit. I feel so ungrateful and guilty for not wanting this from them, and have tried to tell them that I need more space in a gentle way, have told them more firmly to please stop and if I need anything or would like them to help with anything I’ll ask, but this person just isn’t listening.

Without going into potentially identifiable details, I just happen to have a window in which my husband can’t turn up at the house and hoped this would give me the space I need to get my head on straight, to work out what I want and need… I’m not answering his calls and knew this could be the ‘break’ from drama that I need. I’ve got all the legal advice I need, now just need to make a decision about what to do.

I’m feeling really claustrophobic and smothered. Like all of my time and energy seems to be being sapped up by this family member’s constant presence. It’s throwing me backward and making me panic. They’re not being abusive – far from it – but my phone is pinging from them all the time and I just feel so so pressured to agree with them and do what they want just to get rid of them… the same way I have to with him.

I feel so alone and stressed out. Is this how it’s going to be from now on?

Any advice on how to handle family member and their well-meaning “help”. And what I can do to not get so upset over nothing?

[KIP.]

It might be their behaviour is triggering the same feelings of your boundaries being trampled and not respected. I’d start with a positive which is thanking them for all their support recently and that it’s been appreciated but you’re exhausted and overwhelmed at the moment and need some time and space. If they’re reasonable this won’t be a problem. If they’re motives and not good then you will tell by their reaction and it will be best to put a huge distance between you. It might be that your gut is warning you about this person but in an abuse free world you have the right to determine if and when and who you spend time with without fear of consequences. Have you had any counselling?

[Teaandcats]

Hi KIP. Yes it’s definitely the same feelings being triggered, and not feeling heard at all. I have tried telling them and will try again – I think your words might have more of an impact because exhausted and overwhelmed would be completely honest. Thank you. No counselling, not yet…

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Teaandcakes

Yes, I recall you posting to ask.

Its important that you shake off any guilt or denying yourself the upset its genuinely causing, and rightly so.

Some love all the attention, and others really need the space. Can you write to them to say that you are asking people to step back because whilst ‘feeling the love’ is great, you realise that what you really need at this time is space, because its the one thing that you’ve really needed and not got in all the time you’ve been with the abuser?

This will give them a sense of part of what its been like for you, a part that can be difficult for others to perceive and grasp, that you’ve had to fight so hard to finally get for yourself.

That you get that its hard for others to guess at what will help right now, so you are letting others know that one of the best things for you right now is that space that you’ve not had and so desperately need, and then will put out feelers again once when you are ready to reenter the world again.

This is a common thing with abuse, and I recall seeing a tv drama about a girl who’d been controlled to the point of being shut in, like for years I think and the family thought she’d be killed, and when returned the first thing they did was to give her lots of space, and just hovvered around the edges ready for when she did want to reach out.

Its nice to know others are always there for you, not to have them literally always there!

You control your life now, and this person really should have heard your words already, but getting your control back is vital and this is part of it, expressing that and then ultimately walking away if they won’t respect your boundaries.

warmest wishes

ts

[Teaandcats]

Thanks TS. I like your suggestion of writing them and can then talk f2f if needed after, and letting them know a little about why I want space. I haven’t given any details (I think that was one of your suggestions) and maybe what they’ve guessed about the isolation my husband curated is part of the reason for their constance presence…? I’ve always preferred my own company and just feel like I need to work out who & what I am before I start trying to do ‘normal’.

[Wants To Help]

Hi teaandcats,

It’s a tricky one isn’t it when people’s offers of help become a pain in the backside to us!

I know you won’t be able to say how close this family member is, but some of the reasons I can think of that they are like this is because they may feel guilty that they didn’t see how tough things were for you and they are wanting to make up for this by now overdoing the helpful bit and becoming a bit of a ‘rescuer’.

Another reason could be that this person has a lonely life of their own and have now made you their project and mission to help. It may have given them a purpose in life but this isn’t what you want.

I hope you manage to extract yourself as peacefully as possible 🙂

xx

[Teaandcats]

Hi Wants To Help. It’s a very close person – direct relative, as we’re a small family – so your idea that maybe they feel guilty makes a lot of sense. And this person does tend to try to rescue others, mostly to deflect from their own ‘stuff’ and like a project as you describe… I hadn’t even though of that and yet whenever I’ve described this person in the past, that’s what I’ve said about them.

[Lifebegins]

Hi Teaandcats

I remember my family members being shocked and upset when I told them of the abuse but more than anything worried about me. I was so drained by everything I had to do at the time and them all calling me day after day to check in and chat was draining me even more. so I said to them that I would text every morning just to let them know I was ok and then, if and when I felt like talking, would it be ok for me to call them and have a chat.

They were totally fine about it but I think why they’d been calling so much was that they wanted to show me that they cared and were there for me if I needed anything. For our families I think it’s such a bewildering time and they don’t know what to do for the best to support us so telling them straight but in a nice way was exactly what we all needed.

You’ll find your own way of dealing with stuff but trust in how you feel if it’s making you stressed and don’t feel guilty about doing/saying something about it xx

[KIP.]

A very close relative of mine who is a big people pleaser anyway tried to take over my life to the point of lending me money and becoming quite involved in my life, but she expected a lot in return once I was on my feet she tried to use her ‘help’ against me in a very controlling way. Just a word of warning. She expected me to be eternally grateful and was quick to point out how she helped me and what she now thought I should do for her. She was the one who dropped me because I wouldn’t be bullied into doing her bidding. So be careful of the personality of someone who tries to take over in such a way. She may be expecting a lot in return.

[searchingforhope]

It is great to get such support and help. I totally get needing space. As Lifebegins said, a text to say your ok everyday. I’ve a number of people who know and support me now. But sometimes the conversations can be all about my s****y situation and that can only be more draining somedays. As I feel I’m going round and round in circles. I know they are worried and want to help and see me gone from him, but when I’m the only one who can do it it’s so hard.
One friend said last week, worried, that she doesn’t want to put pressure on me but I can’t keep going on like this.
I know she is right and she cares and is worried. But I freeze, I’m avoiding confrontation to the point where I’m afraid to even talk to him now. So it’s easier to be civil and keep things to a minimum.

@Teaandcats, just tell them you love them and appreciate them so much, but tell them what you need. Tell them how overwhelming this whole mess can be. I’m sure they will understand.

I’m so glad you are getting support and good luck x*x

[Teaandcats]

Thanks guys. I’ll give this a go and let you know how it goes x

[Author]

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