Goading.

[Anonymous]

Again he has gone too far and once again there is no apology. He has not let up all weekend and he is almost goading me into reacting. To date the most I have said is I wish he would leave but it is so hard when someone is constantly calling you names and pushing you around to not scream at him. I know he wants me to react so he can justify going that bit further, I won’t give him that satisfaction but I really do wish he would back off. Why does he have to push and push why can he not see I have had enough.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Sometimes walking away is the only reaction that wakes them up, my ex tested and tested my limits, all they do is up the abuse, your right in the sense u give no reaction as it would get worser , but by not giving a reaction we are giving them permission to abuse us, please get support to leave him or have him perm removed if house is yours

[KIP.]

He is enjoying himself. He gets a great big kick out of this behaviour and always will. Once an abuser always an abuser. He won’t change but you can X

[Mimosa]

I’ve just had another dire weekend. I love Mondays! I can relate to the goading but I’ve been emotionless and numb for so long probably since my children came along which was when he really escalated things. So he has to work pretty hard to get anything from me. Except I’ve been finding a path through it and finally came through the FOG last weekend. He bad mouths my family, my friends, my work colleagues, my job, where I work, what I do, my studies, my aspirations, my parenting, my cleaning, my coooking, my appearance, my hobbies (what’s left of my interests he hasn’t taken over!), my taste in music, my books… I could go on. To get a reaction he’ll try anything. I’ve been in this for over 20 years. You’ve spotted it early. Go grab your life! I didn’t know why I was so bad at everything, turns out every other area of my life is wonderful, and I wasn’t the problem! He will escalate things and it really hurts as they box you in. Finally I am pulling a plan together for me and my little ones.

Good luck, it’s hard but you can do it. Alone we are powerful women, together we are mighty!

Mimosa
X

[lover of no contact]

Its a game to him. He feels powerful. He needs you to be upset, affected by him. If he didn’t have you (or anyone else) as his emotional punch-bag he would feel restless and uneasy. He has a problem. He has a sick personality. Its just unfortunate you’re his present victim. Hopefully though eventually you will be his ex-victim and he’ll have to find someone else to get his ‘high’ and his ‘kicks’ from.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your replies x

confused 123, I am really good at giving no reactions but my weak point is my neck he is guaranteed a reaction if he goes near that.

Kip, He is very hard work at the moment and you are right it is me that needs to change I need to have less tolerance.

Mimosa, Sorry to hear that you had to put up with behaviour like that for so long, I am like you and tend to not react but he knows what will guarantee a reaction and what wont and every now and then he wont be happy until he gets his reaction. My circle is tiny just family and one friend every one else has been lost along the way because people are scared of him when he kicks off. I hope you get out soon.

Lover of no contact, he frustrates me he can be so nice and a real pleasure to be around then he can be so cruel and get a real kick out of it. Freedom seems a long way off.

[lover of no contact]

Imagine,

Freedom may seem a long way off but the day will come if you keep gaining knowledge and strength from this Forum which you are doing. Small steps will get you there in the end. I too never thought I would be able to break free from my abuser. It seemed impossible. But I had started on the road to awareness and change. He never changed. But I did. And I started to speak out to a counsellor and a Forum like this one and that made all the difference. Each time you post and each time you read a post you are one step closer to leaving him. The worst thing is to fall back into denial. You are not standing still. You are moving in the direction of a life free of abuse.

Another thing that helped me when I felt I couldn’t do anything to leave my abusive relationship was to start going through my possessions with a view to leaving or him leaving. Following Marie Kondo’s book ‘The life-changing magic of tidying up’ she recommends getting rid of clothes, books, paperwork, ornaments/etc, photographs that don’t spark joy. Eventually when all those of our ‘stuff’ is got rid of that doesn’t spark joy, time to come to give the boot to the major depleter of joy in our lives….the abuser!

[Author]

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