Going insane

[Bluechicken]

I’m feeling like I’m insane. I’m grieving someone I broke up with. Who I didn’t even date very long. And now have been broken up with twice as long as the relationship.
I have burdened my friends with this all so much they are now telling me I need to stop and I feel absolutely ridiculous and crazy.
I only finally have told him to stop contacting me as of (detail removed by moderator) ago. How can you miss someone you hate?! Why does the doubt come back. And why can’t I let it go. I must have real issues to be so caught up on someone who wasn’t all that nice. But then I think maybe I was just expecting too much. Maybe I’ve invented this “subtle abuse” thing to justify myself and why I can’t let it go. Maybe I am just crazy.
I need to stop letting it control my life and ruin my friendships. Today a friend said maybe I’ just thrive on the drama.

[KIP.]

What you describe is what every one of us on here went through after an abusive relationship. You’re not insane. You have been abused. Your feelings and behaviour are absolutely normal. Have you read about trauma bonding? Also, we grieve for the good parts of any relationship, for the hopes and dreams we had. It’s a normal process after any relationship break down. Your friends don’t understand what you are going through. It’s very hard if you haven’t experienced it yourself. I was once told to move on. In fact I moved on very quickly from him, what I couldn’t move on from was the trauma he had left me with. It will take a long time to do that. Zero contact is very important and talking to someone who understands. I would tell anyone that would listen. Even the lady behind the till in the supermarket. That’s trauma. A feeling that the more people I tell the safer I feel. You’ve been through a terrible ordeal, don’t be hard on yourself and keep posting for support from women who understand. I promise it will get better. Have a read at ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Or ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. Google trauma bonding. Perhaps seek out some good counselling with someone with domestic abuse experience.

[Iwantmeback]

Thank you KIP fir your insight and good words as always. I find I’m telling anyone who’ll listen about DA on a daily basis now. Not my own story but just trying to make them more aware of it and how it literally is all around us.
Then i find myself getting worked up when they try to make light of it and saying it’s usually someone making a situation worse than what it is. And this is from young women. I only hope they don’t ever have to go through a relationship like it. 😪
IWMB 💕💕

[Lisa]

Hi Bluechicken,

I’m glad you’ve felt able to post. As KIP has said, your feelings are natural for someone who has separated from an abuser. The normal ‘break up rules’ don’t apply. Unfortunately it sounds like your friends don’t understand the impact of experiencing domestic abuse, or how difficult it is to separate and go through the recovery process. Despite ending the relationship some time ago, you have only recently stopped all contact, so try to give youurself some time and be kind to yourself; it will get easier.

Keep posting when you can, everyone here understands how hard it is.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[FeelingDesperate]

Hi Bluechicken.
I feel exactly the same. Our stories sound pretty similar. I only blocked him a couple of months ago.
Spent most of this year soul searching, wondering if it was all me or all in my head. It’s hard to know when it is all so subtle. He has moved on to someone else now. I’m constantly wondering if he is better with her. The longer they are together the more I think it must be me. They look so happy together. Moved in together and setting a life up while I’m just about getting up and out the door to work. It’s hard. I am determined to get through it though. Not going to let this beat me.

[Author]

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