Going round in circles

[Weepingwillow]

Hi
I see a pattern in myself , i spend weeks reading and researching my situation, want to leave… then I stay bury my head in the sand and ignore it … then it all
Happens again . I moved in with him within a year of meeting him and although I felt it was too soon he always said if you loved me you Would. As soon as we moved in he changed. I loved him and he told me his mother and siblings bullied him and his last girlfriend left him for a (detail removed by moderator) friend and I felt pity. Anyway that was many years ago and here we are still going round in circles . The last time I seriously planned to leave (detail removed by moderator) ago I found out
I was pregnant and decided to stay . He swears and belittle me and the lads, when I question him he says it’s our fault, I’m a poor excuse for a mother, fat, lazy and he swears at us all the time . He is very
Popular and everyone things he is kind and funny which is what I thought when I met him and he can have days when he is
My parents have both gone now, the only person I have opened up to is my sister who says I should leave and wants to speak and to social
Services which I don’t want
He control my life in most ways except financially, I have been in employment our
Whole marriage and he has a very erratic work history
I’m sorry I’m rambling, not even sure what I’m trying for say

 

[Wants To Help]

Hi Weeping Willow,

You’re not rambling, we know what you’re saying, it’s coming through loud and clear.

You have also ended up with the man that used that old chestnut “But if you really loved me you would…” and there was the emotional guilt trip of why you ended up living with him before you were really ready to. Then that old story of his ex leaving him (I wonder why?!), and being picked on – the ‘woe is me, I so need looking after’ man. And when we do look after them, tend to them, try and understand them and give them the world, they throw it back in our face and abuse us.

There are stages of abuse that victims go through

DENIAL – ACCEPTANCE – REALISATION – FLIGHT – RECOVERY

Many ladies get stuck in D,A,R stage for ever, which would appear to be where you are. Do you know that’s where you are? Understanding that is so important to our decision making. Not many ladies make it to FLIGHT, even less make it to RECOVERY.

If you are able to leave your abuser without fear of violence and/or damage to property then this is really the only way out of your ‘circles’. The thing that may be stopping you is your self belief that you can make a successful life without him.

[Weepingwillow]

Thank you Wantsto Help.
I have not heard Dar term before but yes that makes sense
I feel like a failure as a mother , I stayed so they didn’t come from a broken home but it is broken 😢
I am a weak person, can’t make decisions on the most basic things let alone a life changing one

[Wants To Help]

You’re not weak, you have just had all of your confidence and self esteem knocked out of you and you are exhausted by trying to keep everything together in a calm way to hopefully prevent that explosion that you know you can’t avoid forever! You have been brain washed to believe you are weak, but you are not. Seeking support to empower you again will give you the strength you need to leave.

[diymum@1]

That’s abuse that causes this. It’s not who you really are. Your strong look what I’ve lived through ? That takes strength so there is your proof. You can do this with help you can be free xx

[Weepingwillow]

Thank you . I feel like I am weak , I’ve wanted to leave so many times, I’ve been with him well over half my life and I’ve started to hate myself
Not sure where to get help, it’s took me months to actually talk on here
I’ve been seeing a therapist for bereavement and she started asking about him and said he was Hindering my recovery and we ended up discussing him over the next sessions . Our last session she said I had become wise to him and should put things in place to leave when the kids are grown , but It will be (detail removed by moderator) years away. She said she thinks he would get worse if I left now and use kids against me !

 

[diymum@1]

You can’t really live like that tho love xx I don’t think that’s awful good advice. You don’t have to live like this as for the kids In this situation u will get them xx we’re here I managed to get my child away. Call womens aid helpline get some advice xx

[diymum@1]

I promise you can do this xx

[Weepingwillow]

Diymum thanks, it’s reassuring to know you got out with a child . Think that’s my biggest fear that I would lose them . I’m sure most people won’t believe me , he does seem very nice to the outside world , this provably sounds stupid but sometimes I don’t believe myself . He has a way of retelling it in his way and making me question myself xx

[diymum@1]

Yeh I was exactly the same. This is conditioning that’s making your doubt grow tho. The truth stands tho and u can prove this in many ways xx we’re here to guide you – I never thought we would completely escape but we have xx with lots of proper help. I just think it’s so important that you know this 😘💕

[diymum@1]

It will take time tho your going to need a plan lots of contacts time in between to relax. To learn how this all works. When dad hurts mom is such a good start. You will hit brick walls but some doors will be open for you. That’s how it is the secret is your mind set. Be determined keep going it’s like climbing a mountain 🏔 people do manage it xx your not alone xx

[diymum@1]

Your telling the truth he isn’t. That shows through eventually these men can’t help themselves they slip up XX

[Weepingwillow]

Thank you so much diymum@1 💕. It’s hard to talk to people who have never experienced it without judgement. My sister has been supportive since I’ve opened up a bit but she thinks it’s easy to leave, which maybe it is ? Maybe it’s just me making excuses . I will call the helpline this week xx

[iliketea]

I have a friend like that, its so frustrating when they don’t hear you. xx

[Weepingwillow]

Iliketea yes but I suppose it’s hard to imagine the situation until you are in it xx

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