good friends who I confided in have deserted me – is this normal?

[escapologist-in-training]

Hello good people,
This may be a side issue but it’s still something that has caused me real heartbreak at a time when I’ve also been dealing with the discovery that my husband isn’t the person I had thought I had married. Along this journey, I’ve chosen to confide in very few people. For some time I told no one as I didn’t want to damage the relationships we had as a couple – that was when I still had a vague hope that he might change etc and things would improve. But eventually I confided in one girlfriend and she has since been a life line for me for quite some time while I’ve been processing it all and trying to figure out how to escape. Quite recently though, she “dumped” me. It started with not being invited to her child’s birthday party (our children are the same age and we have frequently done loads of children’s things together) which coincided with around the time I told her that he’d been arrested and now had a criminal record for assault. She hid the party from me and lied about what was going on – we actually had an arrangement to meet on the same day but she bailed out at the last minute). I won’t bore you with the details but she’s been very cold and is now blocking me out. Another girlfriend, a neighbour, who I had also thought was a really good friend, cut off all contact once she found out that all this was going on (the police knocked on their door to ask if they had heard anything and there were police cars outside).
I’m now starting to be convinced that telling your friends about the violence and abuse is actually a bad idea… I can’t understand why they would desert you – I certainly wouldn’t if I were the friend, but maybe I’m missing something about how it makes people feel uncomfortable. The other thing of course that has crossed my mind is that there’s something wrong with me that makes people eventually dislike me. And that could then also explain why I messed up my marriage and why my husband changed from someone who was loving and kind, to someone who was so frustrated with me that he couldn’t control his anger towards me etc. Isn’t it worth contemplating that possibility? There must be some circumstances where the man is actually driven to it by the woman? If it isn’t normal for people to be deserted by girlfriends once they confide in them, (because it seems that everyone else has friends who stand by them) then that would certainly suggest that it’s me who’s causing all this to happen, even if I don’t intend to…

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, no it is not you. These are just not true friends. Yes they were there to listen to you, but s..t got real now with the police involved and its scared them off, that’s all. Abusers are the only people who say they are driven to it and you are the reason, and parts of society who really dont know the true reality of abuse. 😪you did not cause your abuser to hurt you, lose their temper or whatever he say. He just needs to justify it in his own head to accept what hes doing.
I’m sorry your friends have let you down when you really needed them. Xx
IWMB 💕💕

[Anonymous]

I agree wirh iwantmeback. I’ve been lucky. My friends have been fantastic. There’s still a lot of ignorance out there about abuse. Until you’ve been there, I don’t think you can ever really understand what it’s like. I certainly didn’t.

[freedomtochoose]

Would go with the others. The problem is definitely not you. I would join with you if I may and say yes, this is a very painful situation. Which I hope, bit by bit, by posting on here, if it is not possibly to recover from it, I hope to move through it together with other ladies, who have been brilliant.

I have a few minutes so will try to say something helpful. I have had lots of support myself on here.

In a way, I would say (and please don’t take this the wrong way…) that it is ‘normal’ – (but not acceptable) to lose friends (and family) like this.

Quite often, on a day to day basis, I feel like some sort of a lost child. (And I look after a teenager, day after day, am always where I should be, pay the bills, clean and generally my child is described as a ‘delightful’ person by others. I think some people don’t see how hard it is. Maybe they only see the ‘coping’ bit. And especially with a child (but also on your own…) – how is anyone supposed to do anything else but ‘cope’ on a day to day basis – if we didn’t – as human beings (and mothers) – our ex’s would be on the phone to social care like a shot, or similar.

I learned, unfortunately early on, that people seem to be divided into two camps when their friends (and family) encounter a friend being abused. I (and my teenager) effectively have ‘lost’ my entire birth family now, in the aftermath of the (emotional) and financial abuse.

No excuses, but different reasons for this, which at least after the buckets of tears I have cried over the years about it – at least I can see some humanity in that situation, but this has taken me x years and I still feel pain about it. And this is current. Now it has got to the point where certain close relatives have cut off contact and told me not to contact them – and if these close relatives were to pass on – there would be no-one to even tell me that it has happened and no funeral invitation where I could be together with others and be comforted – or even comfort others.

I have had to be incredibly strong. There were many, many moments (and I still have them, when I feel as if I can’t do another step…) – but then I move my foot up and somehow take a pace. And then another.

There were those friends and relatives who just didn’t believe my ex could be abusive. He was so clever at playing Mr. Reasonable – I even empathise with some of these ex-friends and relatives a bit now, as how could they possibly see and experience what I saw?

Many, many times I have gone down the road of blaming myself – for these situations, as I can hear you are in danger of doing. But please don’t. And if you try to be kind to yourself, so will I.

I feel that some of us get frightened of domestic abuse, or indeed are in denial – because they don’t understand it, haven’t experienced it, and don’t have any training or support to help them to help their friends (or family).

It is true that over the past years, at times I have actually been suffering so much and in effect at times been quite ill – that I haven’t been as patient as I might have been with others – or reacted impatiently …(usually because I was triggered or stressed, or putting my child first – which I have also been criticised for…and called ‘selfish’ by a close relative who is now estranged. I have been asked to apologise for putting my child first (and declaring that they are more important than anyone else) – and I won’t. I won’t. I won’t.

Because if I had done anything else – I probably wouldn’t be here. And neither would my child. And so – I try to look at the evidence behind others’ accuasations and behaviours. All is quiet in our house today. Child safely off to school, washing clean, all on track, we don’t have much but the baliffs are NOT knocking on our door. I would say my child is happy now, and if I hadn’t moved away things might have turned out very differently.

I am still, not so good at looking after myself, my own health, resting e.t.c not that you get much of a chance to do that with a teenager, but there you go…

I remember being in refuge, and the refuge staff saying to us – ‘never look after someone else’s children in refuge or out of it’ – I didn’t appreciate it at the time but looking back I guess aside from the legal stuff they were trying to keep us safe – with the realisation that you never know what someone else’s situation is. In refuge, we could easily have made ourselves into a target for someone else’s abusive partner. And goodness knows exactly that happened to many of my friends (and family) when I left for refuge and in the years that followed.

I did have the one friend who was strong enough to stay with me, mentally throughout. And I still speak to them. They have many issues of their own, but it is interesting when someone goes through suffering how much they understand.

It sounds like a very strange thing to say, but although I struggle mood-wise day to day I’m sure I have dealt with stuff that probably might have made others crumble. When I’m feeling alone and not understood this doesn’t really help, but there you go…

all best
ftc
x

[GlitterPetals]

Yes I think the one of the problems is denial that they never knew he could be like that, and another is not wanting to make themselves a target by being with you.

I’m not in the “after” stage yet. But if I ever am, I know I’m pretty much going to have to stick with people that don’t know him or are not afraid to be seen with me.

It’s so sad. But we do have people who can love and support us – even if they’re just online – or we haven’t met them yet.

Sending hugs.

[freedomtochoose]

Well said Glitter petals.
all best to all
ftc
x

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,

I think people have different types of bonds with everyone in our lives. Sometimes when we meet people who become friends through circumstance eg our kids friends mum’s lol that was a tongue twister! neighbours 😊 the bond isn’t so strong. In my own experience people I’ve known all of my life seem to offer the unconditional friendship we need. I think they are few and far between but definitely are out there.For family sometimes watching DV unfold is to hard to take. I think ignorance plays a big part too, look at the dynamics of it,you kinda need a good bit of savy to navigate all the psychological explanations. People have turned their backs on me look at me in the street like I’m the crazy one. Now I don’t care, I used to. I tell my self well that’s their choice to be ignorant and unkind. I am very thankful that I’m not like that. No one can take away our compassion for other people or the good in us. We’re good people who deserved so much more. So hold your head high and surround yourself with people with understanding and empathy. It might only be handful of people but it’s better that way sometimes. I think it’s quite freeing talking frankly about what you’ve been through, don’t hide it. People need to know that we’re not ashamed and its not our fault. I’m a great believer in having the courage of my convictions. I think I’m getting a wee bit braver girls 😊✌

[Iwantmeback]

Hi DIYmum, you are certainly sounding much braver. I’m loving your attitude. I have that to, mainly outside my home, but im sliwly making my old self visible again. Being the age i am too doesn’t help. We become invisible fron 45-60.people making us more so is just not on. Friends are few and far between, some are lifelong, some are just in your life for a short while, we take friendships where we find them, it’s what we learn from them that matters. 😉😀
Heres to all of us unknown friends, who would never have gotten to know each other in any other walk of life bar this journey. Loire to you all
Lets beat the bas…ds, don’t let them grind you down.🙂

[Anonymous]

I want me back ☺💕 were all still there just broken down for now but if we can be torn down we can sure as hell build ourselves up together ❤

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi escapologist,

I had a similar experience with a few people who were meant to be friends deserting me when I told them I’d experienced domestic abuse. One was a friend in a hobby group, she literally stopped replying after I texted her and told her what happened. It was hurtful and confusing because it was the opposite response I expected (kindness and support) and also meant I no longer felt comfortable going to the hobby group so avoid it now.

My other longer term friends were good at first but within weeks started saying that I needed to move on and one even started suggesting men she could set me up on dates with! This was when my ex was stalking/harassing me and I was experiencing PTSD symptoms. I was in a terrible state. They literally had no concept of what I was going through. I think the main reasons people do this fall roughly into these categories (there may be more):

1. Ignorance about domestic abuse, not understanding the cycle of abuse and how it is the perpetrator’s choice to abuse (ie. some misinformed people even still even horrendously believe it is partly the victim’s fault);
2. They could be in an abusive relationship themselves and in denial about it/in fear about it;
3. Prejudice and stigma – not wanting to associate with people who have or who are experiencing abuse – they want to label you as ‘other’ because they don’t want to think it could happen to them;
4. Maybe their mother experienced abuse and it is too much of a painful trigger for them and they just want to forget it happens;
5. Not knowing what to say, the same way people often desert others when they experience grief and loss.
6. Fair weather friends – they’ll be back once you are happy and successful again (by which time it is definitely best to give them the boot yourself!)

These are my conclusions after analysing it myself. I think it’s why forums like this are so helpful because everyone just instantly gets other people’s stories and doesn’t judge or feel fearful or making unhelpful comments etc because everyone understands the cycle.

I think life experiences like this tend to clear out the bad friends and anyone who is left you know is a good egg and will support you through your lows as well as celebrate your highs. I have very few friends left as several abandoned me and I ditched several myself as I realised they were really controlling and made me feel rubbish. It’s lonely but I’ve met a few new people who seem comfortable with talking about this sort of thing so I’m hoping in time I will make a few new genuine friends.

[Iwantmeback]

I totally an with you on no2 and 3

[Anonymous]

You know a support group would be great but I realise we all live quite far apart.This is such a good forum well they say steenghth in numbers. I have to say I’m really proud to
be a survivor ☺x*x

[Ayanna]

These women were not your friends in the first place.
I experienced the same, was deserted by everybody, ended up with no one.
A lot of people are just opportunists. If you do not suit them anymore they drop you like a hot potatoe.

Believe me, nothing is wrong with you.
You have done everything right.

Forget about these cowardish bad character women.

You will make new friends under changed criteria.

[Author]

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