Gp, what to say if anything

[Everhopeful321]

A month or so ago I booked a gp appointment with a female gp who when I last saw her seemed to have an idea of how things were at home for me. She tried to encourage me to talk but I just couldn’t. Booking this appointment has felt like a tiny step towards accepting all is not as it should be in my relationship but now it’s here (today) I am terrified of actually saying anything and unsure as to what it would achieve if I did. I don’t speak to anyone about things, my mum has an idea, but just says leave but I think it’s someone impartial I need maybe to tell me whether the things that go on are all in my head? I’m terrified though that it will open a path that I’m not ready for. I don’t know whether this makes sense

[Strongenough]

Hi, I know how hard it is to take that first step of saying it out loud. From my own experience I can say once I’d told someone what was going on it felt like a huge relief.

I think the role of the GP will be to listen, refer to other services if you want that, and offer any medication if its needed for depression/anxiety etc. I didn’t contact a GP until after I left so I don’t have personal experience of this.

Just because you reach out for help today, doesn’t mean you have to leave tomorrow. Take a deep breath, you’ve made this appointment for a reason. X

[Everhopeful321]

So I went to my appointment and basically just cried. I just said I was finding things harder than I thought I should at home, that I felt quite controlled. She listened, wasn’t patronising, acknowledged how difficult it can be to leave, suggested couples counselling, pointed me in the direction of women’s aid etc. All things I know, have heard but don’t do! I know I am controlled and don’t really do anything of my own decision but my days are so full of doing what’s expected of me I can even think how things could be any different! The gp asked what do I want for me? I have no idea. I know that I don’t leave because I feel so sorry for how my husband would feel if I did. He’s threatened suicide before and I couldn’t be the cause of that, or have the children think I was, and even if it wasn’t as bad as that, just causing someone else to be unhappy. Or would he be?I’m just a mess I can’t think straight

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Everhopeful321,

That’s a huge step that you’ve taken by opening up to the GP – this takes so much courage, I know how difficult this must have been. You should feel so proud of yourself.

Reading as an outsider, it sounds like you’re putting your partners needs and happiness before your own, when he doesn’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy and live a life where you’re free. Threatening suicide can be a tactic that abusers use to make us feel guilty and obliged to stay. My abusive ex did this and I really struggled- I was consumed with guilt. Until I realised that it’s not fair of him to do this, there are support groups out there like Samaritans who can help if he’s genuinely feeling that way. (I finally left him and nearly two years later he’s still alive and on another new relationship).

I would keep talking and sharing when you feel comfortable, and most of all I’d say trust your gut. You deserve to be happy . Well done again for opening up xx

[nbumblebee]

Firstly take a moment to actually think about what you have done. How amazing are you? Brave strong couragous nope you dont feel it you feel a mess usless crazy but thats his words. You opened yourself up you asked for help and that take balls. Well done.
Now how you use that help is up to you. Take your time to process what you have done how you feel now. Theres no rush to react no timeframe you do you when you can. One thing i will say now youve opened up dont stop as it will get easier.
You know what your options are you know where to find help, only you can take that help and only when you are ready.
Now is the time to think of you not him You because you are worth it and you deserve it.
A huge huge well done from me xx

[Everhopeful321]

Thank you all, you don’t know how much it means to hear your words

I suppose I just thought it would be a light bulb moment – hearing the words from someone not ‘on my side’ ie my mum or friends that have hinted at what they think would be enough to make me think that no, it’s not all in my head, I do deserve better but it just wasn’t. I still feel as stuck as ever.

If there was a way to go quietly, without a fuss I think I’d take it, it’s the fall out I’m frightened of – it feels like he hates me now sometimes, when he’s also saying that be loves me, I just can’t imagine the anger that would come if I ever manage to do anything.

[nbumblebee]

I fear this too. Some days the hate in his face shows beyong anything and I wonder how bad it would get if I ever did even think about leaving. Also guilt id feel so full of guilt I wouldnt be able to do it which is why I stay I tell muself the good days are good, he isnt that bad its all me its in my head I exagerate Im an attention seeker and just need reasurance im in the wrong im crazy.
Im sure you feel all of the above right? By being so so brave by talking this through you have had someone else tell you that no none of the above is true its him not you Its him and its not right and that you dont have to live this way and that there are options if and when you wish to take them. So maybe not a light bulb moment just yet maybe its just like someone has put their arms around you and said We got you let us help. I guess thats all others can do guide us help us but at the end of the day its up to us to find it deep within to leave. Dont feel bad for not being there yet Im certainly still after years not ready theres no time frame no right or wrong way just your way in your time.
Stay safe. Xxxx

[Everhopeful321]

It’s reassuring but also so sad to hear you put into words exactly what I feel – fear, guilt, I hate that so many of us feel this way. We had a conversation last night about one of our daughters struggling with a friend being quite unkind at school, talked about how it was making her feel and he said ‘well it’s only like what I do to you’ … What? When I constantly make excuses for him being mean, unkind, think that he can’t help it, a comment like that makes me think that they do know? So why do it?
I just want it all to stop, I’m so tired of my own thoughts

[nbumblebee]

Again im sorry to have to agree. We were watching tv when a woman tried to report her husband for rape I have to add this program was based on many years ago and the law has changed anyway she was told a husband couldnt rape his wife, mine turned to me and simply said see I told you.
My hhsband uses sex often as a weapon. They know I dont know how they can do it I dont know why they do but i do believe they knkw and I guess because we stay because we are too afraid to say anything they think its ok and sweetie its not ok its not.
Dont stop now keep taking those steps keep reaching out keep fighting. Xxxxx

[Everhopeful321]

Again, same but subtly – I don’t feel forced but it’s expected of me and often the only thing that stops him being horrible. And whilst I don’t say no, if I don’t realise he wants to its an issue, something to be cross about. He gets annoyed that I don’t make the first move. It’s just too overwhelming at the moment to know what steps are ever going to get me anywhere. I’m supposed to see the dr again this week but it feels like a waste of time, I’m no different, things are no different

[nbumblebee]

Go please go it is not a waste of time talking opening up admitting is never ever a waste of time. Nothing worth doing is easy nor quick you are just starting out and you need to take things step by step slowly and carefully.
Theres gonna be no light bulb no big fan fare sweetie just small steps that will lead you away.
If you stop if you dont take those steps ghen you will stay where you are so go take those steps keep moving foward.

Mine is the same I often say yes as if I dont then he just moans and groans but there have been times when he has forced me, when ive been unable to say no otlr when i have and yet he carries on so I do understand i really do.
Like I said baby steps foward you got this sweetie.
If you can let us know how you get on. Hugs xxxx

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Everhopeful 321,

I can relate to this – the thought of his anger and what he’d do completely paralysed me. I didn’t take any action because of fear and unfortunately I ended up being physically assaulted by him. It was then I realised I needed to go. If you love someone- you don’t scare them, frighten them, control them, upset them etc. It sounds like it would help for you to speak to your local woman’s aid to get advice about planning a safe exit so that if you choose this route, you can do so safely . I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult after leaving but I can honestly say it’s so worth it . To be free, safe etc and to not be living in fear and feeling guilty is honestly so worth it. It’s a cliche but it’s true – time really does help. There’s so much support out there – you’re not alone. Your gut will keep you right x

[Everhopeful321]

Thank you, you have done amazingly well to get there and it’s kind of you to reply. Everything you say is true and is exactly what I’d say to anyone else but I just can’t see it for myself and I hate myself for that.

[StrongLife]

From what I’ve experienced, the Drs generally refer to someone in local community. They are not experts in that area but will know someone. This is common thing a lot of women do.

Where I am to there is a local anonymous telephone line specially designed to help survivors in your situation. That is also another place you could go.

Congratulations on taking that leap of faith in your dr.

[Lottieblue]

Hi @Everhopeful321,

I just want to say to you that leaving isn’t easy. I would be surprised if anyone on this forum said it was. Before I got out of my (long) marriage, I started a thread on here asking people how it had happened, what it was like, leaving a decades-long marriage. The responses (and there were many) chilled me. I think I was expecting (or hoping for) “go for it girl, it’s not as bad as you fear!” but what I got was openness and honesty and people telling me how painful it was, how difficult, but what they had done to minimise that pain, and how worthwhile it was. That thread was a real turning point for me, like a veil being taken off a picture. I suddenly understood the enormity of the task in hand.

Another thing I always remember is my best friend telling me that however it happened, it was going to be like leaping off a cliff. There are so many unknowns. You can control it only so far (when to jump) but how far you’ll fall and where you’ll land, you just have to wait and see. But whatever does happen it is, without a doubt, going to be better than the situation you are in now.

I have always told myself that it has to be the long game. You just have to trust that it’s going to be worthwhile in the end. If you don’t leave, it will never get better. If you do, it might get worse for a while, but it will get better in the end. I used to compare the number of years I had been with my abuser, with the number of years I (hopefully) had left to live.
When I finally left, he was awful. Much worse than I thought he’d be. I thought he’d be angry and vile, but ultimately glad to see the back of me – in fact he told everyone he was suicidal (including our young adult children) and still plays the poor injured victim, telling everyone he has no idea why I left him.
It’s been hard. It still is. But nothing, nothing would induce me to regret my decision to leave him. I am free.

You will go when you’re ready. Getting support from as many different sources as you can is the key. Friends, family, professionals, this forum and read read read. And recognise that no matter what you do, how you play it, he is who he is and that isn’t going to change. I completely get that you don’t want to cause anyone pain, I was the same, but you cannot control how he responds, so don’t waste your energy trying. You look after you.

Big hugs x*x

[Everhopeful321]

Thank you @Lottieblue … I’m actually as scared of the playing a victim, suicide threats, guilt for our children I think as the anger, because he does this already and I know that it will be something he would use against me. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to stay away if that started and I suppose that’s another reason I’m still here. What you’ve written though makes so much sense, I can’t tell you how much it helps x

[StrongLife]

Yes, I agree with previous posters. It is an enormous task. Court battles, lack of money, family issues, health issues and moving.

I would 100 percent go through it all again to experience the peace I just have – peace I had this morning of”going” for a walk and no jealously in site.

There will be things you gain and lose. There will be support (from my point of view – a lot of it). There will be positive and negative times and the people who “just won’t believe you” or have their own issues with it.

Ultimately it is path best taken otherwise you will end up in such a bad position far worse than leaving.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi I wanted to say well done for going to your appointment today that was very brave. I read your post and what jumped out was you saying about the fear and guilt you feel when you think about leaving him… You are in an abuse cycle which keeps you in a FOG state cycle (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).. have you googled FOG cycle before? It might help you understand what ypur partner is doing to you. I was married for many many years, when I wrote my first post on here I didn’t believe what my husband was doing//saying was abuse, I wasn’t happy and I could see my husband wasn’t happy as he was treating me so badly (not so much physically but it was heading that way).
My husband said he was suicidal and like you I felt very concerned that he would as I knew I couldn’t have that on my conscious or for my children. I rang the police and asked them to check on him, a welfare check, my husband wasn’t suicidal he was using his mental health to emotionally control me. The suicide threats are another common tactic, if you are truly worried about his mental health you could maybe talk to your GP first for her advice. Couples therapy is not usually a good idea for DV/DA as quite often the abuser will manipulate the therapist (unless they are trained in DA/DV) and use the session as a platform for them to gain extra points.
I was scared my husband would be violent, he was awful when we finally separated and it takes time and support to make steps and to trust yourself (I couldn’t make a decision on my own Towards the end of my marriage as he had controlled me for so many years).

Trust your gut, not what he says and maybe keep a journal as that can also help.
HFH ❤️

[Everhopeful321]

Thank you – so much of what you say rings true, especially the bit about being able to make decisions..

So my update is that the Dr I saw booked me in to see her again, I had no idea how I would manage to get to it, which is frightening really because it shows how controlled I am, he has to know where I am and I can’t really go anywhere, but anyway, the way things worked today I managed to get there. I felt like I was wasting her time, didn’t really know what more I could say,nothing has changed, felt there was nothing more she’d be able to say so I’d booked in, sat there, and in the five minutes late that she was running I managed to chicken out, convince myself I was wasting her time and left. I don’t know what to feel, ashamed of myself mostly. The receptionist rang to see if I was ok as they’d looked for me but couldn’t find me, I said I was fine and apologised but am now terrified I’ll have triggered some sort of referral to social services which I hope is irrational but I just can’t help it. To top it all off, I’ve come back to mean comments that I have probably completely over reacted to, resulting in more pressure on me for not understanding how stressed he is, how difficult everything is. I just feel like such a failure.

[Hereforhelp]

Take a breath, it isn’t ypu.. you haven’t done anything wrong and it sounds like your GP is concerned to look for you. You and your feelings are important, your partner is taking everything he can and making it about him and his feelings as in his mind he is more important. I am wondering, if anything goes wrong and it is his fault does he blame others? My husband would always blame others (usually me but anyone would do) rather than accept responsibility.
Maybe keeping a journal would help, you are very brave (I know you don’t feel it right now but you honestly are very brave)
And if you’re not ready don’t force it. You haven’t done anything wrong lovely but your husband has/is and there are laws in place to protect you when you are ready.
Sending you a virtual hug
HFH ❤️

[Everhopeful321]

Absolutely – there is always blame for whatever happens, I’ve noticed this, even if it’s ‘just one of those things’, he’ll create a series of events that mean someone is to blame. It’s almost always me – I can be to blame for something even if I’m not there (or I am there, or I did something or I didn’t do something…). Something that is right one day is wrong the next, in fact that’s what one of the comments he made last night was about, something I’d done that I often do, as it means we get finished in good time at night, was suddenly wrong. I feel like I’m losing all sense of making decisions because I spend my time guessing what is the right thing to do. To still be wrong 😂

[Weemebreeze]

You’re not a failure, far from it – it takes so much strength to even go to the surgery. Please don’t be hard on yourself, it’s really not fair on you. I remember when I first went to my GP with loads of stress symptoms (IBS, heartburn, headaches etc) and she asked me if something was causing me stress and I just looked at her, heart racing, I wanted to tell her everything but I wasn’t ready. It was about 5 months later when I finally managed to tell the GP but I remember my heart thumping so heavily even just making the appointment. I just wanted to share so that you know it’s not easy, it takes time, don’t put extra pressure on yourself just move at a pace your comfortable with x

[Everhopeful321]

That is exactly me too – I saw her a few months back about something that I think is probably stress related and I got a sense that she knew there was more going on which is why I made the next appointment, where I did talk about how things were. I just feel like it’s wasting her time because deep down I know what the problem is but whilst walking away is probably the only answer, I can’t get my head round making someone else (ie my husband) feel bad. Which is madness, because he doesn’t mind making me feel this way. I suppose I hope as we all do or did that things can get better,but I think I’ve been telling myself this for a long time.

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