Guilt after going to the police

[BabyBird]

After me and my ex split up I reported him to the police because I felt his behaviour was escalating. I was so scared all the time and just wanted to be left alone. It is now months later and the police told me last week that he is looking at getting (detail removed by moderator) for the things he did to me. That man emotionally and physically bullied me for years and still continues to harass me so why do I feel so guilty ? I feel like I am ruining his life and however much I think about all the terrible things he did to me the feeling just doesn’t go away. It’s absolutely draining me.

[Lisa]

Hello Babybird,

Thank you for sharing this.

The guilt you are feeling is sadly very common and I’m sure a lot of women here on the forum have experienced the emotions you are describing.

Oftentimes the abuser will minimise, justify and normalise their behaviour, leading us to feel like we are overreacting or blowing things out of proportion by reporting the abuse to the police or by seeking professional support. It can be really confusing trying to gauge the reality of things when we are being made to feel irrational and as if the abuser is perfectly entitled to behave how they are doing.

It’s important to remember that hurting, bullying, harassing, intimidating and threatening someone is not okay or acceptable in any way, it is a serious criminal offence and he made an active decision to behave this way. The only person responsible for any consequences experienced due to his behaviour, is him.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Happybelle]

Well done for going to the police, it’s a brave thing to do.

i had huge guilt after contacting the police. At the time I needed them and I didn’t hesitate to call but now I’m out the other side I feel tremendously guilty. But we should not. They put themselves in this position with bad behaviour and poor life choices. The guilt will pass in time as you heal. 🙂 x

[Shouldbehappy]

I feel like I feel guilty because I was probably groomed into thinking this is an ultimate betrayal.  I would never have cheated on him but that is the feeling I now have like I’ve had an affair and I’ve hurt him.  I was with him a decade and have more than 3 children with him.(detail removed by moderator) I left him recently and had low contact but a family bereavement meant we had to see each other.  He was visiting where I was to see children and then one day I wasn’t there and he couldn’t find me. He demanded to see my phone when he did and I refused. (detail removed by moderator) so I rang police the next day.  They have been looking for him and apparently he’s terrified offering now to leave me alone. I decided to not tell of the years of things that happened and only what has happened since I left and I still feel guilty. I think this is because essentially I’ve been groomed into being his loyal little side kick and now I’ve broken away he’s losing my loyalty as it’s undeserved but then il go back into feeling like I need to support him.  I hope you can read this and think I’m right to do what I’ve done and probably not gone far enough but it’s hard to treat yourself with the same respect when somebody has made u feel worthless x

 

[TwoBirdies]

I had huge guilt and sobbed for hours after giving a statement to the police because I felt guilty and didn’t want my ex partner to be sentenced. I pictured him scared and lonely in a cell and felt awful. In the end, he was arrested and brought in for questioning, but denied everything and then laughed about the experience on his social media. So I’m glad I reported it. He wasn’t charged and didn’t learn anything from it, but having it recorded then helped provide me evidence for further court hearings. The police were great and I felt believed and validated. The experience of giving a statement helped me to fully recognise the extent of the abuse I’d been subject to and helped me start coming to terms with it all. Don’t ever feel guilty for the outcome; your abuser did this, not you.

[Newme234]

Hi there,

I’ve just gone through a similar thing, despite not even being the one to call the police (a member of the public who saw him assault me did) but I gave a statement about his behaviour, threatening to kill me etc. (detail removed by Moderator) which I’m terrified to do, but the guilt creeps in where it feels like I ruined his life. We have to remember that it’s their actions that got them to where they are, not ours.

[Author]

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