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Hi everyone,
Been a while since my last post. As many of you here predicted, things didn’t get better. A good period was followed by a bad one, and after many months of going back and forth with the police,he was finally arrested and spent the night in a cell. He’s now been told no-contact. It’s agony. I never wanted him to spend a night there. I asked him when he was hurting me to stop because I would have to do the right thing and inform them. I warned him that I didn’t want to call the police. And I had to, because he wouldn’t let me go, was following me home again, making me feel very unsafe.
He didn’t deny any of the abuse when they interviewed him. I was so shocked. He admitted to everything, even the worst physical things, including strangulation. I don’t really understand. He’s out now, for a while, until they move forwards with the investigation. But I feel so lost. I worry about him 24/7, want to cuddle him and tell him things will be okay. I am so worried and the guilt is eating me up. I can’t think of anything else but his wellbeing and I am so scared about the repercussion for his behaviour. Somewhere I wished he denied the facts because I had no prove anyway, but he admitted to it all. It’s just an absolutely awful feeling and I don’t know how to live with myself.
Any advice on how to deal with the guilt and worries?
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Google trauma bonding. None of this is your fault. Strangulation is one step away from killing you. You absolutely did the right thing for your own safety and that of other women. I felt like you did, carrying his guilt for a long time. He chose to behave that way, he is not your responsibility and like me you gave him chance after chance until you were pushed into a corner and left with no choice. He left you no choice. Zero contact from now on ismthe way forward and please report any breaches of bail straight to the police. It’s out of your hands now and if you allow him back into your life the abuse will get worse and he could very probably kill you. I never thought my ex would be arrested. Let alone convicted. He was held accountable for his actions so let the justice system take its course. Just concentrate all your energy on your own well being. Make sure you’re eating properly and keeping hydrated. You need to,keep,your energy levels up for,your brain to function too. You will get through this. Baby steps x
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I had that after the fist time I called the police. They saved my life.
He could have killed me with the hammer.
I felt awful when they took him away and he had to spend the weekend in jail and was not allowed back after they released him.
We call this Trauma Bonding and Stockholm Syndrome.
Read up about this.
You did the right thing for calling the police. Never take him back! Get rid of him!!! -
The thing is, he admitted to everything. I really want to withdraw my statement, but even if I do, they said they don’t even need my statement anymore. I don’t want this to go ahead, I don’t want him to be charged. A night in a cell is enough, and I just want him to be safe. We’re still young, and I am suffering more from this now than I did when I was still in a relationship with him. I don’t want them to put up a no-contact or restraining order.
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I understand how you feel. I felt the same. Looking back I was brainwashed. Imagine your mother sister or friend telling you this happened to them. What advice would you give them. We are not thinking straight when we have been abused and traumatised. The police took everything out of my hands and I’m glad they did as I was not in any fit state to think rationally. Trauma bonding. Any rational thinking person would not want contact with someone who strangled them. Yes it’s torture for us to watch them being held accountable but sometimes that is what is needed. He is not your responsibility and he needs to know there are consequences to his actions. If he can strangle you then he can strangle other women. You did the right thing now let the police do their job. I minimised his behaviour. That’s how women end up dead. Loving him won’t change his behaviour or make him less dangerous. Perhaps he will get help now. None of this is your fault. Just concentrate on your own recover and seek out good counselling. Hang in there x
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Dear UnicornSparkleHead,
Your post reminds me so much of how I felt. I ran away from my boyfriend after he assaulted me and because I didn’t know where else to go I just ran to the police. And they went out and arrested him right away. I was so shocked and scared, I really didn’t want that to happen. I felt so sorry for him and worried about him.
I was very lucky that night. I called my best friend and she came right away which helped so much to just have the moral support and someone around who loves me and is kind. I was supposed to go back to the police the next day to give my statement, and I was so so torn. I knew what he did to me was wrong and a crime. At the same time I felt so worried for him. I called the WA helpline and they simply told me I needed to go. This was the time to think about my safety. It is most important to make sure you are safe. This became my mantra for the following weeks.
You deserve to be safe and happy. Please think about yourself now. Call the helpline or a supportive friend, post on here, get all the support you can. Your safety is the most important.
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Thank you for your support. I really can’t live with myself at the moment. I have constant suicidal thoughts because of what I put him through, and the thought of not having a future together kills me. Not being able to contact him to know he’s okay. The thought that he probably hates me now. It’s just too much, and I don’t know how to handle it. Police said they’ll go ahead anyway, even if I withdraw, because of his admittance. I really don’t want this. This is worse than anything that happened before.
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Hi Unicorn, you say you have suicidal thougths because of what you put him through. You didn’t put him through anything. He brought this on himself because of his behaviour. He chose to behave this way. My ex lied and denied even under oath. Maybe the fact that he has admitted his actions show he is prepared to face them and deal with them. Please ring the helpline or the Samaritans or NHS 24 if you’re having suicidal thoughts. Thinking that way won’t help either in the short term or the long term. You are not responsible for him or his actions. It’s trauma bonding. A feeling I found stronger than love. It’s utter despair but if you play the long game, understand if you give it time, these feelings will become less and less strong. The Fog will clear. You cannot help him just now so take a step back and allow the system to progress. Have you spoken to your GP? Are you getting counselling? Ring the helpline on here. They were very good with me. Just listening and helping x
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Hello
This makes so much sense to me i used to feel like i had loyalties to him. He brainwashed me into thinking i only had him and no one else. What he has done is wrong. You need to keep telling yourself you deserve better and you dont need to be treated like that its not normal behavior! But at the time and afterword i felt sad and heartbroken that it come to this, (Detail removed by moderator) over my ex partner and i am dreading it. (Detail removed by moderator) and is still trying to control me. His girlfriend got in touch with me last week and begged me (Detail removed by moderator) as she is experiencing the same as i did, hes abusive and controlling with her too! Which makes me realize i need to be brave(Detail removed by moderator) not just for me but for her and all his next victims too!!
GIRL POWER!!
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@Jasper, I do fear for that. I don’t think he’s moving on yet because he is still following and unfollowing me on social media. But the thought of that is in equal amounts heartbreaking and worrying.
@KIP, thank you, I looked for help with Victim Support and have an appointment for a chat. Hopefully that will help. It’s just so incredibly hard right now not to think about ‘Will he change? Is this the thing he needed to make him change? Will he do it for someone else?’New lies also keep popping up. Events he went to that I never knew about when we were living together, people he has seen. Whilst he always lashed out at me for not being honest, now it turns out there were lots of things I didn’t know about. It’s very confusing, especially because regardless of it all, I’d still take him back in a heartbeat.
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The person you would take back is not the real him. Sadly they don’t change. After mine was arrested there were so many lies that I found out about. Lying Cheating, stealing money from the joint bank account. The longer it went on the more dreadful things I found out. I had to take an STI test, humiliating. I never really knew the man I’d been with for decades and you don’t really know this man either. Lying cheating con men. He was the same with his first wife and he’s the same with his latest gf. You might even find he has a history of violence. Have you asked the police if he has other violent convictions. You can use Clair’s Law to find out. Be assured that taking him back will change nothing. His retribution will be harsh and you probably won’t see it coming. Someone on here forgave her ex and took him back. He only wanted to come back so he could cruelly dump her as punishment. It’s all about gaining the upper hand and control. Don’t allow yourself to be hurt again x
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Hi Kip,
He doesn’t have any previous convictions. I found out the police lied to me about this… which really confused me. They first said they had stuff on him but that turned out to just be false information to get me to talk. Which then made me feel even worse about speaking to them about it. He’s still so young, he doesn’t have a history of it yet, and I really do still believe things can change. But I don’t think he’ll even give me the light of day after all of this.
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For your own sake, you should hope he doesn’t. I know what you’re going through because I’ve been there. I would have given my life for my abuser. It’s brain washing. Dysfunctional dangerous programming. Only time and no contact will clear your mind. I know it’s painful and devastating but if you can read all you can about trauma bonding and think with your head and not your heart, it might make things easier x
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It’s been no-contact for (Detail removed by moderator) days now and it’s utter agony. (Detail removed by moderator) It’s so painful.
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Hello Unicorn,
I just wanted to show you some support. You are doing brilliantly so please do keep being kind to yourself. Ending any relationship is very hard, let alone an abusive one which has had you very confused and dented your confidence. Please get lots of support from your Women’s Aid group and try not to have any contact with you as it will not help with your recovery.
We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator
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Hi Unicorn,
If you can, I recommend you watch a good docu-drama called ‘Murdered by my Boyfriend,’ it is a real life story of a young woman who was killed by her partner after an abusive relationship with him. It’s sobering and hard to watch but might help you make more sense of things, as you will see that all these men operate with the same pattern of behaviour where they start off like our knights in shining armour and end up hurting and damaging us badly, sometimes to the point of death in the most tragic cases (currently 2 women per week in the UK).
It might help you realise that your life is literally at risk if you keep seeing this person, as painful as it is initially to be away from him. If you can see yourself as a bit like a drug addict, and he is your drug, you’re currently going through painful cold turkey, but it soon gets better, the fog will lift and those painful ties will lessen and break and you will see that you were under a sort of spell with him.
It would also help if you wrote down a list of all of the abuse, I still re-read my list whenever I feel confused about who he was.
Just keep going, put yourself first and you won’t regret it.
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like SRF above, I kept my old mobile, I tried to call the police on the last night he took if from me and smashed it then flushed it down the loo and ripped all the card slots on the case (looking for non-existent evidence). Anytime I feel guilty or my memory starts to erase all the bad bits, I get the old phone out and can instantly see him in my minds eye, that awful night comes rushing back. So a list or a thing like my mobile could well save your life, take care
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Thank you all so much for your support. It really makes such a huge difference.
As painful as it is, it’s getting clearer every day that I didn’t mean anything to him. So many times he said he wouldn’t be able to cope without me and guess what, now that I’m not in his life anymore he is just carrying on like normal. Working on his career and seeing friends, acting like nothing has happened at all. Whilst I’m most of the time curled up in a ball crying and trying to piece my life back together. Clearly all these threats of suicide and not coping without me were just more lies. I was so worried about how he’d cope with everything and it seems like he hasn’t had any problems whatsoever moving on from it all. I don’t know what will happen (Detail removed by moderator) but at the moment it just feels like there’s been 0 consequences for him. Which in a way makes me happy for him, but at the same time worries me. What if it makes him feel stronger because he got away with it and the next girl will have to suffer worse? It’s a scary thought. At least I still haven’t bumped into him, don’t know how I would cope with that. Definitely looking forward to talking everything through with victim support, I can’t do this all on my own.
If it weren’t for you guys I don’t know how I’d be able to still see things the way they really are. As much as I don’t like feeling anger, it does make me feel a bit stronger.
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You have every right to feel angry. I was so concerned about my ex. Even though I was the victim. (Detail removed by moderator). Always trying to bully and manipulate. (Detail removed by moderator) Heartless monsters. They have no empathy. I was conned big time by a heartless manipulator and am so grateful to Women’s Aid that they saw me through such a hard time. Contact them for support too. My ex blamed me. Don’t be surprised if that is his defence. That you made him do it. They are dangerous and arrogant. Hang in there. As the fog clears everything will make sense but it’s a rollercoaster ride to recovery x
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We ran into each other at a friend’s party. It was awful. He ignored me all night and boasted right in front of me that he is sleeping with someone else. It’s been (Detail removed by moderator) weeks. I had to leave as I burst out crying. All this time I felt guilty if another person did so much as look at me.
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What a dreadful experience for you. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. Once again he has shown his true colours. These abusers are liars and manipulators and it’s beyond devastating to realise we have been abused by someone we loved and thought loved us in return. Does he have bail conditions? If he has breached them then please report it. It’s for our own mental wellbeing too. They have zero empathy. My abuser moved onto his next victim too. He was a cheater and was already seeing someone else. Just know that you will recover from this. Ring the helpline for support too.
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Unfortunately I think you are right. It took me a long time to accept, but my abuser can never have cared for me. They don’t. You can’t hurt someone in the way they hurt us if they truly care about us. I would block your ex on social media. You don’t need to see what he is posting, and realistically he is probably doing it in part to upset you. I know it seems that he has moved on to a new victim, but they don’t like leaving old victims behind if they can avoid it. His contact with you will still be designed to hurt you. This is why the ladies on here talk so much about the importance of going no contact. It really does make such a difference although it is hard at first. I took time to gradually change everything. But once I had cut all routes of communication I felt so much better.
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The fact that he wants to talk somewhere “without CCTV” is really worrying. It would be dangerous enough to meet him in a public place. But the fact that he wants to meet you somewhere where his actions won’t be recorded or observed suggests strongly that he plans to assault or hurt you in some way. I would agree heartily with KIP that you should report this to the police and that you absolutely shouldn’t meet him. I would try to return to no contact if you can as contact is so confusing in the early stages of separation, and even once you have sorted your head out it continues to be upsetting.
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I’m back to zero again. I saw him, slept with him, and now all I want to do is protect him and get back together with him. He said he was putting a lot of trust in me meeting me – which is true because obviously police would take action if they found out. He said how sorry he was about everything and that he regrets everything terribly. I just wanted to turn back time and now all I can think of is how to get him out of trouble. I am too scared to tell anyone about this because I don’t want him to get into trouble.
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Please try and find yourself a support network you trust. The sensible thing would be to tell the police. But if you can’t, then at least call the helpline, or go in and see your local women’s aid. They won’t inform the police unless you want them to and they will be able to help you. Abuse thrives in secret, which is something your abuser will be relying on. That is why he wants you back even with the police involvement. He has more control over you than the other woman he was sleeping with.
Honestly, I think you are worth so much more. This guy doesn’t deserve you. But I know how complicated that can feel when you are wrapped up in abuse. It took me years to break free.
I am finally dating someone new and non abusive after a long time of no contact. I’d done a lot of processing at the end of my relationship and after I left. But I hadn’t realised quite how f****d up my relationship was until I dated someone who was actually nice. It really drove.home how awful my abuser had been and how much better I deserve. You deserve better too. But you won’t get it if you are tied to him.
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This is getting so out of hand. He sent me messages via a secret account saying he missed me, and now he called me for hours last night on a secret number to say he’s gone to ask for help, worked with Respect, to learn about his behaviour and change it and make sure he becomes a better man. I’m so confused by all this behaviour. At the same time he said he thinks the term survivor is ridiculous and doesn’t apply to us. That we don’t fit in the pattern. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Is he really changing? Does he genuinely want to change or is this just all a rouse to make sure the justice system doesn’t punish him? I’m so confused and I don’t know what to believe or who to trust anymore.
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Abuse thrives in secret. If you have to keep what is going on secret it isn’t safe. I cannot imagine a relate counsellor in possession of the facts you have given us ever suggesting that he should reach out to you in this matter. Or that there is any chance that he has had time to work on his behaviour since he last hurt you. If he was truly genuine about getting help and sorting himself out then he would be giving you space and time to heal too, not pressuring you into a secret relationship. Therefore sadly I think that this is just an attempt to reel you back in and continue his abuse. He’s probably also hoping that you will somehow be able to shield him from the police. You can’t, and you shouldn’t, but abusers can be as illogical as their victims on this front.
Please reach out for support. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s hard disentangling ourselves from abusers, but it can be done. Call women’s aid. Talk to your GP. It could be vital for your safety. And if he is genuine about changing (I am certain he isn’t, but if he is) then he will understand your needing to seek help to understand what is going on. If he has told you not to seek help then please realise that he is still abusive and you need support to get away from him.
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Ring the helpline number on here. If he was truly sorry and respected you he would leave you alone. He’s trying to get you to change your mind about the statement and dig him out of the hole he put himself into. He will use you and hurt you again. Zero contact is the only way forward. Once again he’s breaking the law and actually making you feel grateful for it. It’s dysfunctional behaviour.
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Hi Unicorn.
An abuser will take any loop hole to get to you, some will defy no contact, protective orders, court orders and documents. They will go through multiple accounts sending messages, use other phone numbers to contact, stalk, and have other people or use or threaten other people to do the same. Mine did all the aforementioned.
What you ate describing is a form of manipulation, control, fear, and intimidation. Ah ha, I’ve got you, I can pop up anywhere and get to you. You can not tell me what to do, I tell you.
What he is doing is a rouse, a ploy.
“At the same time he thinks the term survivor is ridiculous and does not apply to us.”
He is trying to suck you back in by insulting you, making you feel guilt, isolate you from your efforts and away from those that are helping you. It is all abuser tactics.No, he is not trying to change, he is only changing his tactics to control you, pull you back so he can get out of everything.
The not knowing who to trust is because of the control and twisted and backwards c**p and lies he dishes out.
But you do know who you trust or you would not be reaching out on here. We ladies have been through it all and would not steer you wrong or put you in harms way.
Don’t look back, move forward.
We are here when you need to talk. Hugs.
Chickadee
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Please ring you local women’s aid for support. He’s making you complicit in breaching his bail conditions. Don’t let him criminalise you too. As soon as he digs himself out of the hole he is in the abuse will escalate. You need help to get out of this brainwashed state. Ring victim support or the helpline on here. He’s using you and the abuse will only get worse x
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Your not an idiot. They make sure those feelings are there, it is part of the control.
I don’t blame you for feeling that way. But if your worried about that, why go back?
Nothing changes what he did. It is well known fact that most women go back seven times before successfully leaving their abuser. It is control. (Detail removed by Moderator)
Find your strength.
Chickadee
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I went back and fourth with my ex for years and trust me they never change. In fact it gets worse without us realising and then it’s harder to get away. Grab as much support as u can and u need to tell yourself tour better then this!! My ex always moved on quickly to make me jealous and make me think oh maybe it is me but it’s not. They know our weakness and thrive on it. It’s the cycle of abuse, it could be days months years but they will NEVER change. No contact is the best way forward. Don’t get me wrong I still have my down days and wonder what he’s up too etc but u need to stay positive and put yourself first!!!! Time is a great healer and you are strong enough but he’s made u feel like your not and that’s what he wants.
Do you have children with this man? If u don’t please get out before u do because it’s even harder when chikdren are involved. I should of left after our 1 st child but silly old me went back and had another with him and yet again I’m back at square one, single mother with no income and no support from him. U need to learn to love and respect yourself. You can do it -
Hey all,
Thank you for the support. We had a really long night discussing everything (detail removed by moderator). I don’t know anymore if my reality is the right one. I did a lot of bad things too. I feel like I don’t know how to talk to him about abuse and changing anymore. I’m so tired, and I just wanted things to be okay. They’re happy for a few hours and then it goes back to things being bad and fighting. It’s so confusing, and nothing is happening with the case so I don’t know what is going on.
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I am afraid that you are feeling confused because he is abusive. Doubting your reality is such a common symptom. Try reading up on gaslighting and see if it rings any bells. It’s hard to get your head around the fact that your abuser will deliberately lie to make you feel like you are going mad, but they will. My ex threatened repeatedly to call the police on me. The worst thing I ever did was throw a pillow at him. He was hitting and verbally abusing me on a regular basis. And I thought if I just worked on my side of the relationship things would get better. So I became gradually more and more submissive and his behaviour got worse and worse, because he had no desire to make things better. He liked hurting me. Your partner is the same. Get help and get away from him.
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