Guilt from pressing charges

[Whiteflower]

hi Everyone,
I posted a few days ago about how I have reported my abuser. (detail removed by moderator). He messaged me today asking for his (detail removed by moderator), so I don’t think he knows what is going on yet, I immediately blocked him and then his cousin knocked on my door asking for it also.

I’ve began to feel so guilty about pressing charges, (detail removed by moderator) I know for a fact that with the collection of charges he will do prison time, but I just feel so heartbroken and guilty. I know he won’t manage in prison, and I feel as though I’m ruining someone’s life who I absolutely adore. I know this will probably cause problems with custody over his child etc. But I am just so terrified that he will go on to abuse someone else the way he has me, and me not doing this would be so morally wrong. But I can’t help but feel so heartbroken, I keep thinking of different happy times we had, like even little things like watching new a tv series, lying in bed eating junk food, or him sitting chatting to me in the bath, these things will never happen again. I genuinely don’t think I will ever love someone as much as I did him.
Sorry to rant, I just like having somewhere to put all of my feelings! X

[KIP.]

Hey, what you’re feeling is perfectly natural for someone you once loved. Sadly, that love you gave him would never have been enough and he chose to repay you with violence and dysfunction. Please don’t worry about how he will cope. Abusers have a knack of landing on their feet. They know how to play the game and how to abuse others. They are experts. In the meantime, you have done nothing wrong. It was his own behaviour and his own choices that have brought things to this point. Loving this person won’t stop him hurting you, or others. You’re going to have a real rollercoaster of emotions. Just look after yourself and don’t be drawn back into his games. Once my ex was arrested he wasted no time in pointing the finger at me. All the while I thought he would beg for my forgiveness and admit what he had done. They really show their true colours at this point so save your tears and emotions for when he turns into the snake he is and tries to blame you for his actions. Look after yourself and talk to your GP about some counselling. You won’t always feel this way. One day you will wake up and realise what a lucky escape you had.

[Whiteflower]

Hi kip,
I think that is a big anxiety I’m feeling at the moment too, I’m worried about how he is going to flip this all onto me, he did always tell me I was the abusive one after all. I’m worried about being interrogated in court, I’m worried that messages I’ve sent etc will be used against me also. It is true they always land on their feet however! He seems to have unlimited chances when it comes to the police, I just keep looking at photographs of my injuries every time I feel upset or miss him or the guilt hits me, but that’s starting to not work now. I know that this is going to be an awful experience, and I know I have the strength that I didn’t have before to go through with it, I think I just need to stop taking the blame for his actions all the time I think it’s became a habit! X

[KIP.]

It’s more than a habit. They programme us. Brainwash us. It’s always our fault no matter what and we often accept the blame to keep the peace. It’s the way you’ve lived your life so it feels unnatural to think in a different way. Most abusers will blame anybody except themselves. Try not to worry. You know the truth and you have a creditable explanation for anything you have done in the past. He will be grasping at straws and making himself look like an idiot. He’s the one with a history of violence and stalking, not you. They just need to take one look at his past to see who and what he is. Yes, the anxiety is difficult to live with but it will become much easier. As you gain your confidence and the trauma subsides, you will see things very differently x put your own needs first and let the police do their job. Write a list of all the things he’s done to you, all the assaults or verbal abuse, name calling, all the times he’s let you down, embarrassed you, cheated on you, write it all down a read it over and over when you feel guilty. It’s him that should feel guilt but he’s not capable. Don’t worry about court, it may never happen and if it does there’s plenty help for you. If I can do it, you certainly can too x

[Whiteflower]

I think by him telling me that it’s my fault all the time when these things happen it’s made me doubt everything I’ve said, worrying I’ve been dramatic to go to the police. I know the way he will play it, he will no comment the interview, If it makes it to court he will plead not guilty as he will think I won’t turn up, then when I arrive at court he will change his plea to guilty. (detail removed by moderator) Sometimes I worry that arguments I’ve had over text will be used against me, as I will admit I do have a sharp tongue and would always argue back and match the name calling. I think I’m just overthinking. The likeliness is he will get away with it anyways as he always does x

[Alittlelost]

U say he done it to his last gf? If this is another case he is going to try being charged for they will see he has done it to his previous gf too and more likely be charged guilty and a greater punishment. I hope he has go prision. He deserves a long prision sentence

[KIP.]

I understand your feelings. I had the same. We minimise the abuse as a way to cope mentally. But I can assure you what he did was horrific and anyone reading what he did would feel the same. We victims tend to blame ourselves and form the whole case I felt like I was the one on trial. But it wasn’t me and it wasn’t you. You are not the one on trial. Anything you did was in a response to abuse. Pleading not guilty, making no comment and the. Waiting to see if the witnesses turn up is a very common tactic. You’ve been really brave in holding him accountable and I hope you can use that to empower yourself. To know that you deserve more and have every right to be safe from abuse. Take things a day at a time and don’t overthink, let the police do their job. It’s out of your hands now. Over to them x

[KIP.]

Using guilt is a huge weapon for an abuser. They know how to use it to manipulate and it’s exactly what he’s counting on. That’s why zero contact is so very important. No contact means no mind games x

[Whiteflower]

Yes that’d exactly how I feel, I feel as though I’m also on trial. I keep thinking back to some of the hurtful names I’ve thrown at him when arguing back and forth etc and wondering if it’s actually my fault because I said those things. I’ve got an appointment with my local domestic abuse team and got the ball rolling for a non molestation order, he hasn’t tried to contact yet so hasn’t been arrested as of yet, as in the past he will call to manipulate me to withdraw it or ask what has been said in the statement. thank you for your encouragement and support these are all things I think I really need to hear right now! X

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