Guilt threatening to overwhelm me

[itwillbeokay]

Hi ladies,

My parents took me and the children on a (Detail removed by Moderator) break (Detail removed by Moderator), it happened to fall on a special occasion for my husband but not something he’s ever been overly fussed about before, I also didn’t book the holiday, I didn’t know about it until they had booked it. I knew it would cause trouble and it did. Lots of angry messages, worse at night when drinking, I tried to resolve by saying our eldest would ring him on the day, got told where to go, I offered for him to go and stay the day after we got back, got told where to go. Derogatory comments about my family and the fact my parents are divorced with the insinuation I am the same as my Mum because she left my Dad and he didn’t see us again. His choice, he chose to drink instead and passed away recently having rejected my attempts years ago to see him. Anyway I digress, lots of insults directed to my step Dad etc as he’s decided he hates my family particularly him as he has helped me into a flat when I left etc. Digressing again.

I had also sent a card to arrive on the day (Detail removed by Moderator). I got a text from his Mum that morning, (Detail removed by Moderator) saying it had arrived but as he is incredibly depressed right now and can’t see anything to celebrate she would not be giving it to him. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach when I read it. I always got on with her in spite of her being a difficult character but have had no contact since I left with our children months ago. When I rang her on leaving she swore at me and hung up then said we just needed to communicate better. She then completely blanked me when I dropped our children off there once. I’ve not seen or spoken since. I didn’t reply. What is the point. It almost ruined the holiday my parents had booked as I felt so horrendous. Like physically ill with guilt and shame and worry and sadness. When we got back he sent a (Detail removed by Moderator) message (Detail removed by Moderator) I said you don’t love me as you wouldn’t have been able to treat me like you did and I would never understand it. He replied minimising it all, said he’d said some things he shouldn’t have said but so did I but it was (Detail removed by Moderator) rows and that was it. He always says that. I don’t know what I said that I shouldn’t have because in the end I was either begging and pleading him to stop or hiding upstairs. I didn’t respond. I feel on edge and uneasy as we have no formal contact in place and things have been okay with just taking them every other weekend to meet him. I don’t know what to do now about anything and feel horrendous and down.

Xx

[Bamboo]

Hi,Itwillbeokay
You said that this special occasion was something he wasn’t fussed about before. So I can’t imagine all of a sudden that it’s especially important to him.
What it is though, is an oppertunity for him to do exactly what he is doing. Making you feel guilty.
Like you said you did not book the holiday and even if you did there is nothing wrong with getting away for a bit with your family.
He has obviously manipulated his mother into thinking he is ‘deppressed’ and you are the cause of it all. She is only trying to protect her son, misguided as it may be.
I can imagine how hurtful him not recieveing the card you sent would have been.
Regarding his texts this sounds like complete and utter guilt trip and implicating you in the fact things didnt work out. Standard response from abusers to put the blame anywhere other than on themselves.

You done a good thing for yourself and your children you took them away on holiday, what child doesn’t love a holiday? In my eyes you are being a strong and fantastic mother in a very difficult circumstances.
For now if you can go no contact other than child arrangements then that would give you the space you need. All he is doing is digging up emotions in you he knows will affect you.
As hard as it is please don’t let him do it.
You done nothing wrong. The problem is his so leave it to him to deal with it. You have enough on your plate.
Sending you hugs and strength. xx

~Bamboo

[Tiffany]

Get a formal arrangement in place. Then you can cut contact to the absolute bare minimum. He’s still manipulating you and emotionally abusing you through the contact that he has, which is why you feel so guilty. Rationally you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel bad about. But guilt is one of the primary tools of an abuser, and he won’t miss any opportunities to use that on you. I am so sorry that he is still managing to mess with your life. I hope that you can minimise his power over you soon.

[KIP.]

Please understand it’s absolutely not about any holiday, any family conflict or any missed occasions. If none of these things had happened he would find something else to abuse you over or simply make things up. I also found that blood is thicker than water so don’t engage with his mother at all. In fact I would block contact with her. I hope you’re beginning to see that any contact at all with these men is toxic. As Tiffany said, get a contact order in place and do not give him the power to abuse you and ruin your happiness and mental health. He is no longer your responsibility. He doesn’t love you and sadly probably never has. If he’s depressed it’s because he has no one to dump his anger and aggression onto which always makes them feel tip top. They thrive on the drama of making us feel like c**p. You do not need to take this. The penny will drop hopefully soon for you x

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you so much everyone.

I really hope it starts to make sense soon as I’m fed up and drained and plagued with self doubt. He’s so good at gaslighting and denying and minimising and making my excuses and turning it onto me and playing the victim and I’m the despicable person who’s wrecked his life and taking his children away and walked away from our marriage. And yet he was unemployed, and still is months after I’ve left, and was verbally abusive to me when drinking, used to threaten and intimidate me, I was hyper vigilant and waiting the next bad episode whilst he was nice in between but not over and above. I also did everything and worked. He criticised and name called and put me down. But I’m the one left feeling bad. I’m in counselling and on antidepressants something I’ve never done before although I won’t be throwing that back at him.

He says we don’t need mediation or court as I just need to be reasonable!

Sigh.
Thanks so much for the support.

Xx

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