Had a breakdown

[bunsandcakes]

I moved out of my family home with the very young kids very recently. I coped. I found a job and a rental and I bought everything and got settled and I coped. I got my son some help from early help. I coped. I worked my a*s off trying to launch a major project despite all the things that were still going on. I coped. However now I’ve hit ‘normality’.. the kids have settled, the house is all set up, work is ticking along, I had what can only be described as a proper breakdown. I keep getting disassociation where I feel like Im not in my own body and go totally numb and unable to talk. I couldnt eat. I vomited at my councilling session. I just cry. I feel overwhelmed and incapacitated – those are the only two words that describe it really. Its like continuous panic attack that starts the moment I wake up and just doesnt go. Ive done breathing excersises and been to my GP but Ive had to beg my dad to stay with me as I just feel I cant cope alone until Im over this. It was sparked by my first session of mediation – a desperate attempt to try and get my ex to contribute financially and avoid court which neither of us can afford or have the strength for. It really shook me up. The day after that I had to have my (detail removed by Moderator) year old cat put to sleep. I picked up again a for a couple of days then I totally lost control and crashed. Im so desperate to regain control because I want to be a great mum and carry on doing the things I was doing… making progress in setting up my own life… but I now just feel lost and terrified by everything. Terrified of the pressure of having to care for my wonderful babies and terrified of them not being there when they go to school or their dads. Im terrified of being on my own. It all feels utterly overhwelming. I have councilling every 2 weeks and womens aid have been very good and I have some medication from GP but its not touching the sides tbh.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Not sure I’m much help here but just wanted to reach out and say his is probably quite normal. I know that for every traumatic even I’ve had in my life I’m fine while I’m going through it but six months after life settles into normality is when I will crash. My stuff is still ongoing so like you, I will power on through and hold it all together. Until after.

Please don’t be hard on yourself, what you have been through is tough but look at what you’ve achieved – that’s pretty freaking amazing!!

Keep reaching out and getting every bit of support you need. Don’t forget Women’s Aid are still here for you and they are fab.

[KIP.]

Please don’t be hard on yourself. What you are going through is very similar to what I went through. It’s trauma. PTSD. Probably triggered by contact with your abuser. No contact is what is needed to heal. Do what you have to do meantime until this phase passes, which it will. You just need time and space to recover. Recovery is a roller coaster ride full of ups and downs. It’s like now things have settled down, your brain has more free space to work through the trauma. You have to just let it as part for the recovery process. Know that it will pass and you will get stronger X

[shine bright 2]

Hi,
I just read this and i felt for you so much. I have felt very much the same. Im terrified something will happen to my kids…he will take them abroad. Scared I cant do it all on my own. I have flash backs that can be crippling or I auddenly fell phyical sensations of thigs he did. But u r doing it ….u r supporting your kids and working..which is hard. U r already a great mum. U took ur kids away from the bad stuff and u r looking after them. I wish i had more answers…but i can only say u r strong.

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

Its ok to crumble, u r realeasing your emotions, have a few days to rest then get back to it, u have done so well to get this far , u r a lot stronger then u think, sometimes we put such a beave face on that when it hits us, it blows us away

[Serenity]

Overwhelmed and incapacitated: yes, those words describe it exactly.

There are times when I return to feeling like that, especially when he’s come close it done something to upset the kids or myself.

I think it’s our body’s way of protecting ourselves. It’s like, we’ve been through so much and we can’t take in any more information as we’re overloaded, so we go into a zombie-like trance and feel disassociated from ourselves, like we are observers looking on. We don’t feel like we are properly ‘alive.’ There’s just this horrible continuous anxiety.

I don’t know what other forms of help you’ve received? I’ve recently felt myself slipping backwards a bit, and I realise it’s because I’m. It engaging in the old support Inhsed to- when my PTSD was at its strongest, I was at counselling, pattern-changing, a wom be support group, etc…it all helped me to overcome the symptoms. I need to return to some kind of support group, and I’m looking into it. I think it’s hard to deal with and overcome these things on our own. We need to be around strong, inspirational people who have overcome abuse themselves or who are good at directing others out of a traumatic place. X

[Jupiter]

Hi

I think that part of our healing includes getting stuck sometimes as our path twists and turns.I have read that healing is not linear so we maybe expect too much of ourselves when we want perfect emotions. Our distress is part of getting better–it teaches us what we need or dont need.As survivors often this has to be learned and this takes time and patience.With my PTSD I have learned to manage difficult patches -sunshine and shadows but we do grow stronger whatever we feel.
Jupiter

[older lady]

Hello. Can you go back to your GP (ask for a longer consultation to discuss it), if it’s ‘not touching the sides’? What you describe is something I recognise too. All that you’ve been through is overwhelming and you need to switch off from it, but instead you’re back with the abusive ex in a mediation room. In fact, i was just reading a bit about the effects of (negative) social relationships on health and the effect of stress on the endocrine system. Needless to say marital strife is a big cause of that, never mind the issue of abuse. Xx

[Ribena]

Hi Bunssndcakes

I totally get this – I’m going through similar to you. We’ve finally sold the family home and I’ve bought a new place with our two young children. I finally feel safe. I’ve been through and coped with so much of his abuse over the years that now I’m finally out of it I’m finding it hard to comprehend much of what has happened. I’m going through so many feelings, it’s a real emotional rollercoaster – the sadness, relief to be away, anger at him for his appalling behaviour, anger at myself for putting up with it, and grief I guess. It’s far easier to stay than leave but you’ve done it, so big hug for how far you’ve come and what you’ve achieved. Baby steps now. Be kind to yourself. You’ve made a huge step forward. For now take it one day at a time xx

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks guys. Ive had to depend heavily on my parents and thta also causes me panic as i think ‘how will i survive when they are not alive anymore’ which is ridichlous but its just there in my mind. I feel like a scared child and need someone with me constantly. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to and everything is just stress and pain and hard work. I am taking my medication, having counciling bi weekly and doing a womens sjrvival course with womens aid but i still just cant snap out of it. I worry that my kids are better off without me or that if he knows im not coping without my parents he will try and take custody.

[KIP.]

Hi there, I had all these irrational worries too. It’s like your mind won’t think straight. It runs away with you from one bad thought to the next. It’s trauma and it will all pass. Give yourself time. Don’t take on anything else that will add to stress. Only deal with what’s urgent. I gave myself 3 easy tasks per day. Don’t overstretch because the point is to gain control in easy tasks. I promise it’s normal and will get better❤️

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks so much KIP and all. I’m doing a lot better… I guess Ive gone from a 10/10 on the worst feeling ever scale to a 5 or 6 out of 10.. 7 at bad points. Thats a lot better. I still can’t stop that feeling of heat rising in my face and body with panic and my mind just racing myself away and disassociating from my surroundings. Im still with constant care from my parents for now, they are just being around so I am not on my own until I get enough of a grip on life but I worry that he will find out and say Im not coping and make a bid for the children or some other ghastly outburst about what a failure I am.

[Author]

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