Had a breakdown

[BlueberryField]

I don’t know what’s the point of this post really, but I feel like I just need to vent and get it out of me. He was drinking as usual, and I was already dreading it, because he always becomes very mean and abusive. BUT to my surprise it actually all went well and he wasn’t saying his usual nasty comments or trying to pick a fight with me. SHOCKER, I know! He then found someone to drink with so I drove him there and left.
When I got home for some reason I started getting very upset and just had a total breakdown. Was it emotional burnout? I don’t even know, because I don’t even have these breakdowns after his abusive episodes anymore or at least not like this.

After being for so many years with him, I already can tell when he’s flirting with other women, he always accused me of spying on him, but I don’t do it on purpose anymore, I admit it, I used to snoop at the first couple years of our relationship and I caught him cheating on me once. Which of course lead to ‘It’s your own fault, you shouldn’t have snooped around’ or ‘I only did it because you don’t give me what I want sexually (or not often enough, when it was usually every day or every two days)’ and many many other stupid accusations that it is ‘my fault’. But after this I have learned his behaviour changes and now know when he’s doing the same. At this time I knew he wasn’t cheating on me physically, because he’s constantly home, which is annoying. However, I still knew he was flirting with other women. And all this time I don’t really care anymore, I don’t find myself being ‘jealous’ or angry at him for doing it. Not that I approve it, NO. I said to him many times if he wants other women he should break up with me first and not play family with me until he finds someone else, WHILE with me, because this is a piece of s**t move.
The point why I’m saying this is I stopped ‘snooping’ many years ago, I never touch his phone, even though he’s still paranoid that I do. But yesterday when I put him in bed all drunk, because he could barely stand on his feet, I did. And again I was right. I just knew from his behaviour, he was doing it again. And I was right. I an not even going to confront him about it, because I don’t care anymore that he does that. Do I want future with him? NO. Do I feel happier when he’s not home? YES. I think what upset me the most out of it, was that he was still flirting with this female that he had abused me physically over her. And after seeing it, I just remembered those moments he had kicked and hit me over her. Or how he was constantly nagging me to go visit my family and then I saw messages him asking her to come to him (she lives in another country).
I just feel disgusting and ashamed to even write this. I know clearly in my head what a horrible person he is and that I should RUN for the hills without turning back. But I’m still here and moaning and having million excuses.

I feel like that snooping I did, was not to find something to confront him about it, because I already knew he was doing it, but I feel like I wanted to find something so I have more hatred and anger at him.

[browneyedmum]

“I feel like that snooping I did, was not to find something to confront him about it, because I already knew he was doing it, but I feel like I wanted to find something so I have more hatred and anger at him.”

^^^ Me too.

I did a ‘naughty’ recently. It was mostly to start building the case for financial abuse. But then also, it made me so angry again… thinking about how I’ll need to hire a forensic accountant so that I can absolve my children’s assets, my assets, and myself from some highly questionable behaviours on my ex’s part that indicates that financial abuse has gone on for others and not just me. Before moving out, he left out paperwork that I diligently shot photos of. Some letters weren’t opened and I left those alone, but for the letters where he’d broken the envelops, I took photos.

I hated doing it because its an invasion of his privacy and autonomy. It feels immoral. But then he’s put me and his children at serious risk, where anytime I ask about it, he shuts me down. He’s made choices in the past that put our house at risk, shutting me down anytime I wanted to talk about it and find a solution there. I won’t be confronting my ex about my findings, rather I’m going to pass off that information to professionals who can then decide what they’re going to do with it.

Your partner wronged you in beating you up because you weren’t putting out like this other gal is. Let her have him. Let him go. He’s not worth this.

[Texas]

Hi

I too had a breakdown the other day, I cried hysterically for 2 hours, but this was after he had accused me of something so hurtful (and stonewalled me so I could not refute) that I had no choice but to go no contact. It was like the floodgates of all the stress, uncertainty and confusion came pouring out, on top of the deep pain in knowing someone who portports to love you so much could be so nasty.

Take good care of yourself now. Take each moment as it comes until you feel stronger, then you can decide what you want to do next.

[Author]

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