Had Enough – What are next steps?

[Loopy2]

Hi.  I have completely had enough now.  I am at the point where I am just constantly feeling sick and really shaky.  I’m sick of walking on eggshells and being miserable.  My life is a complete mess because of him and now I’m just at the point where I’ve got to get him to leave or I end it all.  I don’t how to end it.  The threat of suicide still haunts me but I can’t let that keep me here for another (timeframe removed by Moderator) years.  If his threat is just that, I know he will do what he can to make me out the be the bad guy.  That’s what he’s good at.  Playing the victim in every situation.  I’m also disabled so he’ll make out that I won’t be able to take care of our two children.  He drinks a lot and is can be vile, especially the morning after when he has to get up to take the kids to school. He has not worked for the last (timeframe removed by Moderator) years.  He is happy to let me work and do whatever I can at home while he does nothing but sit on his phone all day.  He’s happy to tell everyone he meets how he is my carer and how much he does for me and the truth is, I’d be really happy if he did even 10% of what he told people he did for me.

I have caught him out on so many lies lately.  Usually, I wouldn’t say anything to him but I have and he’s made me out to be crazy.

Anyway, I don’t really know what the point of this is.  I guess what I really want to know is how to I start the process?  If I email womens aid….what do i say in my first email?  What if they don’t believe me?  What if it is all in my head and I am crazy?  What if at the end, they believe all his bull and he gets the kids?  They would suffer so much if they lived with him?  Is is worth leaving?

If you hadn’t guessed, i suffer really badly with anxiety so I guess I just need a bit of reassurance before I sent an email or ask for help.

Thank you x x

[Cherries]

Hi. Bless you. I’ve had the threat of suicide too. It’s a low blow that one.

The womens aid for my city has a live chat running several times a day…do you have access to similar in your area? I also gave them a call.

My city also has a domestic assault hub at the council office so it may be worth seeing if you have one too. They are helping me with housing etc at the moment and getting me sorted with a support worker if I choose to accept that

All you can do is tell your story. You need some support. Fear of not being believed is very real but these workers have seen it all, please don’t let fear put you off. You gain courage just from taking steps forward x

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Yes, the threats of suicide are a low blow, agree with Cherries there.

I found that it helped to immediately take it seriously and pick up the phone for the Samaritans, or his doctor.

dial the number and tell them he is suicidal and he needs help.

xx

[EvenSerpentsShine]

If you are worried about people believing his b******t and lies, that’s understandable. Sometimes people do.

Generally people at Womens Aid or your local domestic abuse centre are pretty good at judging though. Many of them may have been through it themselves and will know exactly how it feels. Not all. You’re not guaranteed to get a helpful reception  first time.

Lots of us on here have had painful knockbacks on that score. Don’t give up though.
An awful lot of what abusive people try to do is to rule you with fear. The FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt is the controllers trio!

Of course he will make you feel like everything is your fault. That is what they do. He will try and make you think it’s your problem.
The fearmongering he’s doing about the kids is very unlikely to ever happen. You aren’t crazy, you’re being gaslit.

If you were crazy it doesn’t matter because you’re still the one doing all the work. So, you’re not too crazy to look after them because you already are.

if it makes you feel better start writing a (secret) diary about your everyday life. Who does what, who says what etc.

To start. Make sure you have a safe phone or computer. If he has given you your devices or has any conceivable access to them, change them.

[Loopy2]

Thank you everyone.  Due to severe anxiety, I can’t make phone calls and I can’t go anywhere alone which leaves my only option as email or live chat option.  If I wanted to go anywhere, he always takes me so I wouldn’t be able to go to any hub or anything as he would know what I was doing.

He has a habit of making me doubt and question myself most of the time so I guess to ask someone else to believe anything I say is going to be 50/50.  Like you have said though, they must hear this a lot so I just have to hope that ‘luck’ is on my side.

I have mentioned this in previous posts but my (relative removed by Moderator) committed suicide a few years ago so he knows exactly what buttons he is pushing when he is using emotional blackmail.  He’s very clever.  I’m very much an empath and he uses that against me 24/7.

I think I am going to have to put my big girl pants on and send an email and see what happens.  I don’t get left alone enough to do the live chat as he is always with me apart from (timeframe removed by Moderator) so I think email is probably safer.

Thank you again all.  I appreciate all of your replies, help and advice.

 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I have a feeling that emails may not be a preferred option for a lot of the people you may be hoping to speak to. There have been a couple of really frustrated posts on here about this subject in the past.

Frustrated because when you’re in a situation where he never leaves you alone ( which many of us are), e-mail is often your only option.

But, trying to see it from the side of domestic abuse charity, they are vastly busy and have a lot to deal with every day. Reading, and more specifically, replying to, emails just takes way too much time I imagine.

Some other possibilities may exist. When you go to see your GP do you go into the room alone?
If so, make an appointment with a GP ( doesn’t have to be your own) and tell them everything.
One of the ladies on here some time ago did this, and the GP arranged for her to go and meet a social worker or domestic abuse assistant ( can’t remember all the details exactly) in her doctors surgery.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I’m not trying to say don’t send your email! Please, please, please DO send it. But they may come back asking you when they can phone you!

Don’t be put off! People are waiting to help you even if there are a few glitches at first.

Possibly you may have to start getting creative about finding sneaky ways to get either you or he out of the house!

 

[Loopy2]

Hi EvenSerpentsSmile.

Thank you.  Unfortunately, even when I go to my GP, he comes in with me.  He has to know what I’m saying.  When they ask me things like ‘how do you get in the bath’, he’ll glare at me so I have to say that he helps me get in and out and washes my hair but in reality, it’s my (age removed by Moderator) year old daughter that helps me.  There’s just no way he can risk me going in alone and telling the truth about anything.

I do appreciate that they will probably want to speak to me at some point.  This is my problem.  My anxiety is just so bad that I just cannot do calls, especially when I don’t get much time to myself.  I mean, in theory it could be done during school run times but it would be really limited and I’d have to put my big girl pants on so…..

It’s a huge thought process.

[Hazydayz]

Your life and mine are so similar  I’m like you trying to deal with how to?

Good luck to you and to me too

Hazydayz💞

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I know what you mean about the anxiety. Often in highly abusive situations it can end up feeling overwhelming. I remember a time when I was having heart palpitations all the time, I couldn’t sleep more than a few hours a night ( and after months, that is exhausting!), I felt sick and shaky in my body all the time. It’s horrible.
But, I do just want to say that even though you are feeling wracked with anxiety you are communicating extremely well. In this short post you have communicated exactly what your situation is and what kind of help you need and what exactly the next step needs to be.

If you do exactly this with other support organizations then you will be there. I have no doubt from what you’ve said that I ‘don’t believe you’ for example and I’m sure others will feel the same.
The abusive person colonises  our thoughts for a while and we can’t always separate our own reality from the reality that they want us to believe.

But, tiny steps. All you need to do is take a tiny step every day. Some difficult days it’s enough just to hold your ground and not go backwards!

I’ll post this so I don’t get timed out and continue in another post

[EvenSerpentsShine]

So, the only worry for the present is how you can find a way to talk to some people who can help you.

I believe that you are already doing exactly the right thing.

email people and tell them that you need help but he doesn’t leave you alone for one second a day (except for school run). What you’ve said in these posts is good, it works, use that.
Ask for help. The doctors surgery may be able to help you still. If you tell them. They may be able to call you in for some kind of procedure where he can’t go with you ( a smear etc)

In which case. All you need to do is work out what you’ll say to him when he interrogated you about what happened. You can lie. You can do it. You need to save yourself. Have what you’re going to say prepared, you had a smear or a blood test or whatever. Work out the lie and then keep it simple. Refuse to be drawn into a conversation about it. “I don’t know, I’m not a doctor” is what you say if he tries to draw you in.

Same for any other excuse that you eventually work out to find a way to talk to someone. Get the school to call you in ( a member of staff can take him off to discuss something). Bit more tricky this one, but it’s possible.

How you can find a c***k of time is your only next step for now. Don’t get overwhelmed by all the rest of it! One tiny step at a time.
It sounds easy but I know from experience that it’s not.

Another option if this doesn’t work, is just to go, and sort out the details afterwards. Literally get a friend, family member or taxi to come and get you. Is this feasible? Do you have anywhere that you could stay for a few weeks with your child until this is sorted?.

Im sure there are other avenues to try first, but just fleeing could be an option if nothing else works.
How are things going at the moment? Xx

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Don’t know why the word ‘c***k’ (of time) got starred out.! It’s not a rude word as far as I know! Dictionary agrees with me.

[StrongLife]

I spoke to a stranger and also neighbours in street.

Those resources provided me telephone numbers and support.

They are used to on telephone getting quiet calls on dv hotlines – you can call in female toilets or similar? It is frightening to contact help – do what u can.  I have also used online live chats in buses.

 

[Author]

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