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I’m feeling really low right now. Was in family court and they aren’t interested in my sons death, or the fact that his dad caused his death.
I’m feeling like I can’t have a future, that I’ll never be loveable and if anyone tries to love me, and I tell them everything that’s happened, they’ll just run miles. I feel I’m too complicated, like my ex still has control over my life because of what he did, like I can’t forgive myself and that anyone would see me as having too much baggage. Who would want me?
I really need some positive stories and hope. I know I’m not ready for a relationship, nowhere near ready, but I don’t want to be alone forever. I want to know happiness and have a chance at having a family one day. I really need some hope
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Firstly I am deeply sorry for your loss. That alone is a huge blow and extremely difficult to come to terms with? what I also read from your post is that you’re looking for validation from other people. You need to work on self love first. The rest will follow. Have you had any counselling? I can tell you that I’ve been where you are. Full of self doubt, wondering who would want me. What kind of a future I would have. After years of being told nobody would want me. I have a mental illness. Having my self esteem and confidence stripped away. Good counselling can help you rebuild all that. I’m single now and happily so. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m a good person and a lovable person. I love me. I’m dating me. I’m looking after me. And if and when a new romance comes along I will be prepared for that. Families come in all shapes and sizes nowadays. Two mums, two dads, single mums, adoptive parents. You will have your family one day if that’s what you truly want. Meantime you have lots of healing to do. So be very kind to yourself and take baby steps x keep posting. There’s lots of experience and advice from women who have walked your path and are thriving now x 💕
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I’m so sorry for your terrible loss. Living with the weight of grief as well as trauma does mean that you will face challenges in a new relationship, but not because you’re unloveable, because trauma makes you believe that you’re beyond love and grief makes you feel that you don’t deserve to have it. These are very natural feelings after what happened to you and your son. They are real feelings, they hurt, and they are important. But that doesn’t mean they are facts.
My ex never harmed anyone I loved, so I haven’t walked in your shoes, but I hope I can offer some encouragement all the same. It’s been a few years since I got out of my abusive relationship and for most of that time I felt that I was broken beyond repair, and would be unable to have a romantic relationship again. I felt exactly what you describe – that even if it did happen, the other person would leave as soon as they sensed how damaged I am.
I recently got together with someone. I’d known him for a year or so before we got together and we have a mutual friend whose judgement I really trust, so I felt safe with him at the outset. I wrote him a letter explaining how PTSD affects me and what he could do to help, which felt like a tremendous risk to take. His reaction was incredible – so gentle and so supportive. He doesn’t make a huge deal out of it, but he’s observant and if he notices I’m struggling he’s always there in a quiet and reassuring way. The best thing about it is that it’s just so ordinary. I got us lost when we were out walking once, and I started to panic, as my ex would turn violent over my poor sense of direction. It made him so angry to be lost. My new partner just smiled and said that a sense of adventure is better than a sense of direction, and it stayed a really nice walk. I am relearning that ordinary things in life are safe.
It took me quite some time to get to this point, though. I had some therapy and a lot of support from women who had been through similar things. I hope one day you will find yourself in a similar place. Until then, keep reminding yourself that all the awful things you feel about yourself are reflections of what you endured. They aren’t reflections of you and your personality. x
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I ended up meeting someone again from a very long time ago. someone I thought about most days when I moved away with my ex. he is the only man I have ever loved and he came back. I look at him sometimes and it feel very surreal because we were teens when we first met. he went off and lived his lifa n*d so did I. and when I saw him in the passing in the street my heart was in my mouth. now he mine xxxx I believe in true love and I also believe in fate xxxx love diymum
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One of my favourite people in the whole world lost her (detail removed by moderator) yr old to suicide; she was also gang raped as a small child among some other heinous abuse, and this left damaging, irrepairable effects on her body for life. Gosh this woman has overcome some terrible adversity in her life. At first when she told me I thought how does anyone ever truly recover from things like this; expect you get a similar response hey because this is most parents nightmare. But the more time I spent with her the more intrigued I felt to learn of more about her lessons; her energy was infectious and she had a beautiful soul.
She takes the view that this is life, this happened, can’t change it, but hell did she grow from these things. She overcame each trauma, used it all as fertilizer. She is the most compassionate and wise woman I know, genuinely free of the past, living in the here and now every day, feeling good to be alive. She is always true to herself, a real shining example of how to live life. She says these experiences have shaped her into the person she is, have taught her how to appreciate it all – she views each trauma as a gift that keeps on giving.
She’s truly inspirational, but mostly, she’s just very real, human and loving. Not suprisingly she has many friends and folk lining up to spend time with her. She has also shared her experiences and how she overcame these with others to show us it can be done – not dissimilar to many hey, Mandella, the para olympians, so many women from India, they are everywhere really – if you seek you will find. The human spirit is alive and well in all of us every moment of every day, it might need a prod now and again, but this is simply who we are.
As sad and as tragic as this is SD, this is the card life dealt you; you had no power to do anything at the time and you certainly have no power to change it hey, anger or wishing things were different now only leads to misery and a loss of hope, its needed for a time but not forever. Do what you need to do of course, process your loss; if you feel there are things that need doing do them, work out which bits you can now let go of for whatever reason, it’s a process of letting go really isn’t it, to make anew, we are all of us continually adjusting really. Everyone’s life contains a string a losses, the only things certain in life is that we will lose those we love, change is inevitable and nothing is certain – cant think of anything else can you? The more we love the more we lose, but to live is to love as much as one can isn’t it?
We all need to work out how to overcome loss, so that we can live a forfilling life – the more resistant we are to change and accepting our losses, the more time we spend not living. You have to find a way through it, and to feel enriched by what this trajedy has taught you, what has it shown you about the person who you are and have become, what has it taught you about life and living and what it is to be human? Might not feel like it now, but you will live again – for sure. Don’t let this bury you, turn it into fertilizer for growth and things will come good for you agin one day x
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I love this fable, have you ever read it?
The farmer’s donkey..
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to work out how to get it out. Finally, he decided the animal was old and as the well needed to be covered up, it just wasn’t worth trying to retrieve the donkey.
He asked all his neighbours to come and help him. They all brought a shovel and began shovelling dirt into the well. The donkey of course realised what was going on and began to bellow loudly, but after a while suddenly went quiet.
After a few more shovelfuls, the farmer had to have a look and see why the donkey was quiet. To his amazement, as each shovelful fell onto the donkey, it just shook it off and then stepped onto it. As the farmer and his neighbours continued to shovel dirt into the well, the donkey just kept shaking it off and stepping up. Pretty soon, the donkey reached the top of the well, climbed out and trotted away quite happily.
The moral of this story? Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and use it as a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping and never giving up.
By the way, the donkey later came back and bit the heck out of the farmer. The bites turned septic and the farmer eventually died in agony.
So you see, when you do something wrong and try to cover your a*s, it always comes back to bite you!!!
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I have to say I felt the same – like no one would want me as I was told this so often. I honestly never thought the one person that I thought the most off ever come back into my life. not for one second (and it was always about the way he made me feel) I loved just being with him. I still cant believe this turned around for me. don’t get me wrong sometimes I do think my god how can he love me – I feel im not worthy but deep down I know he does xxxx I hope this storey is uplifting and in time once your heal and start to accept whats happened (and I know know this is really hard) I cant imagine. your life will fall in to place – you deserve that xxxx much love diymum
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I love your replies to this, FizzyLem x
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I liked the donkey story too, thx for sharing
SweetDisposition
We all have baggages but still we are very loveable, every single one of us.
First you will have to love yourself then men can see what a strong beautiful woman you are because it will shine through so strongly, you’ll have choice in many suitors and can then select the best one for yourself. But the hardest part is to turn the focus on yourself, recharging you, like plugging the charger into your phone, you have to recharge yourself before developing new friendships/relationships. It will work out honey, I don’t have a new relationship but it is my desire too, not just yet but I just know deep in my heart there is a man out there for me and can already see myself with him. Meanwhile I enjoy my freedom and try to learn to take care of myself.
Sending yo a hug 💞 -
Sweet Disposition I am so sorry for the terrible trauma you have experienced losing your child. I can’t imagine how that feels and I am sending you all my best wishes this evening. From what I understand Family courts tend to be unhelpful and need to be reformed. This doesn’t make their treatment of you ok but it hopefully shows its nothing to do with you, its our rotten misogynistic patriarchal society that needs some big changes in order for women and children to get the rights and protections we have always deserved. I hope you have some support going through the courts but if not then definitely reach out to Rights of Women, the helpline, your local DV team, Victim Support and CAB.
I have loved reading the replies on here, what a wonderful forum full of strong, wise, incredible and courageous woman. Fizzylem I love your stories and the quotation about the fertiliser.
Yes I do believe it’s absolutely possible to go on and find love after abuse. I can tell already from your post SD that you are a kind, caring, gentle, loving soul. Those qualities alone make you extremely lovable and worthy. But KIP is right when she says that we have to love ourselves first and see our own worth rather than look for it reflected in others. I think most of us abuse survivors are on this same path, figuring out how to love ourselves, since a lot (although not all) of us weren’t taught to like ourselves very much growing up. Every now and again I see women come on here who post that they met a genuinely good man after experiencing abuse and are now doing well in their career and in their relationships. They usually say it took a long time and a lot of counselling but they got to a place of peace where they were able to date again. Those stories show it’s possible.
Remember that when you are abused, it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you, in fact it’s the opposite. It means there was/is something terribly wrong with the abuser in that they choose to abuse rather than care for another. You are and always were very lovable and worthy so please don’t ever think otherwise.
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