Hard to face abusive parents when they aren’t bad people

[Karisqq]

My parents are good ppl who tried their best, but they are emotionally abusive. Silent treatment, guilt trip, threats, emotional neglects and occasionally insulting are the norms. I have been away from my parents for (detail removed by Moderator) years and I used to visit them once per year, but as my mental issues develop, every visit becomes hard, since I would argue with them and they are always dismissive to my emotions and claim that I have changed a lot and become ungrateful when I tried to distance myself from them or let them know that they have hurt me. They would just blush it off and say I thought that’s good for you and it isn’t, and I’m not perfect, and then they wouldn’t allow me to talk about it anymore, or say anything related to it in my own social media. If I do, they would send long paragraphs to scold me and threaten me to apologise/take the post off. Mom has been manipulative and emotionally immature, she blames me for her encounters or her own mistakes, or saying that I’m weird or I’m a piece of s**t when she’s angry. While my dad is emotionally neglectful, when I expressed unhappiness he would say that I’m being silly and wouldn’t bother to comfort me. When I cried or threw a tantrum they would blame me or just neglect me or continue what they’re doing. And now I’m (detail removed by Moderator) mom still treated me as a kid, come to my room and ask me to sleep, or comment on my physical appearance, once she even cried to me and say I make her sad bc I’m not perfect enough in her eyes. They make me think my decision or thought is stupid when they don’t agree with me. All these things on top of my experience of being sexually assaulted just make me feel anxious and depressed all the time, thinking that I’m not good enough and always think about the worst. I’m lucky that anxiety and Depression don’t stop me to strive for better things, but it’s just suffocating when I have to stay with my parents for more than a month, and I just can’t stop that anger. They’re coming over to visit me for my (detail removed by Moderator) but I just don’t look forward to it, I just want peace!

[Lisa]

Hi Karisqq,

Thankyou for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You mentioned that your parents have tried their best but also describe emotional abuse, how they undermine you and they disregard your feelings and your right to express these to them. It is difficult to set boundaries with people who do not recognise that their behaviour is wrong.

It sounds like they want you to believe that your thoughts and opinions are not valid and that is really difficult to sit with. Its understandable that you don’t look forward to time with them- that this fills you with anxiety. Its okay to put yourself first.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Iamsotired]

Hello lovely,

I believe your feelings are valid and you know at the end of the day yes they are your family but do not let their words nor anything affect you. It is important to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people that are truly their for you in dark and light times. You do not owe them anything love, its okay to put yourself first. Congratulations on your (detail removed by Moderator), if you think that it isn’t good for them to come then don’t let them. They are your parents and I understand you as I have experience that myself. They should be able to be supportive and be open and respectful of your feelings. Dont feel like your obligated to invite them to your (detail removed by Moderator). When my mum did that emotional damage to me, i have cut her off long time and never ever bond with her nor tell her things again. It was a learning experience for her too now she treats my siblings better. Your parents should learn more about mental health make them aware if they still can’t handle it its their loss. Always surround yourself with people who cares about your well being. Also go seek for mental help, you can ask your gp for mental health check up im sure they can help you. You are doing great and always have been your parents just cared for you wrongly and they look like they want you to be someone they wasn’t. They also seem jealous of you probably as you are perfect or enjoying life compared to them.

[Karisqq]

Hey thanks for the kind words. Sorry it takes me a while to get back. I think the hardest bit is to think whether you should limit yourself form contacting them or completely cut them off; since they weren’t that bad when I was a kid although they have flaws, it just gets worse from time to time now, my frds say they should learn a lesson and acknowledge their mistreatments on me, but the thing is, how to let them realise they’re being abusive and that’s not okay? It’s very hard…

[Author]

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