Harder than I ever thought

[Hiya@]

Hello
It’s been a while since I posted, and I would love to say I’m doing great but honestly I’m not. I feel so full of sadness, grief and yes rage all the feelings and all the hurt. I have started therapy and of course it’s bringing a lot of suppressed feelings to the surface I know it’s part of my healing journey.
Also despite months of no contact I am back in touch with him and I have seen him a few times, mostly to sort out practical issues but oh goodness it’s so hard, I just feel broken. I who was so strong and so positive. He hooked up with a couple of women (removed by moderator) and (removed by moderator) were staying with him at my house. Wow that hurts but I guess it was ment too, and even tho he is leaving the house and I can move back in I just feel my space has been violated. I can’t let all this hurt go.
Okay it’s another day forward, I do get up and dressed everyday, I cook for myself and eat. I haven’t read a book in weeks and I have stopped exercising, I do talk to friends but it’s quite hard. I feel embarrassed that I have been in touch and seen my ex.
I need some words of encouragement, I need to feel less alone it’s taking every bit of me to stay away from him and not just go back. This is the not the first time I have been here.

Thank you x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Hiya@,

I’m sorry your are struggling at the moment, but please do not be too hard or critical of yourself. It can take time to leave an abusive relationship permanently, so know you are not alone in this. This is your process and only you truly understand what is needed to genuinely heal and move on from it.

It may be helpful to engage in specialist services for extra emotional support at the moment, when you’re feeling particularly vulnerable and having contact again with your ex partner. Just to help reinforce why you left in the first place and to assure you of how capable and strong you clearly are to have come this far.

You may have contacted your local domestic abuse service before, but you can always get back in contact and explain your situation. Having some one-to-one or group conversations about what you are going through may help you regain focus on your long-term well-being in all this.

You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Hopefully other women will soon come here and express their support, as I’m sure many can relate to how you are feeling. Remember; don’t be hard on yourself or embarrassed. Like you said, you are going through a journey. You are in the process of leaving and it’s only been a few months.

Take good care,

Lisa

[wildandfree]

Hi Hiya@

I completely understand where you are coming from. Healing is not a linear path. I had days or weeks of feeling liked I’d cracked it, ‘i’d healed!, and then something would happen and it felt like I was right back at the beginning. The pain and anger could be unbearable sometimes. But each time I was a little bit further on.

Be proud of how far you have come and be kind to yourself. Even if it feels hard, do those things that you enjoy doing. Read, do some exercise, even if it just a walk. Remember that you are now free to do these things and they are just about you. Maybe it would be good to fill your mind with something else so you don’t go into the downward spiral of thinking of him (I know it is easy to say, and much harder to do!).

And as for being in touch with him, don’t be too hard on yourself. Being in an abusive relationship is like an addiction. you know they are no good for you, but you still crave the nice bits. I am a few years down the road and I still find myself thinking of an excuse to get in touch, and it always end in hating myself for doing it in the first place. But it does get easier. Honestly.

What I am really saying is be gentle on yourself. Getting out of an abusive relationship is incredibly hard. be proud of how far you have come. And remember why you left.

Emma Rose Byham’s book ‘Was it even abuse?’ was a huge help for me. Maybe check that out.

Take care. Sending hugs xx

[Hiya@]

Thank you @wildandfree,
It’s sometimes hard to get the situation into perspective and all the time we are waiting to sell the house I do have to have contact. This does however have the slight bonus of removing any rose tinted specs because he is unable to maintain the charm over any significant period. He has already suggested he wants to sell some of my stuff, absolutely not !
I agree about the addiction, I equate it to similar feelings when I smoked, I loved smoking it was a constant in my life and although I know ultimately it would damage me or indeed kill me i took many attempts before I finally gave up, and when I did give up smoking I didn’t feel like I had lost anything. I had gained freedom.
Since I wrote my post I have seen some friends and just done some normal things.
Thank you for your support, I do feel less alone and when I come onto the forum so many understand exactly where I am at.

Best wishes

Hiya Xx

[Broadbodiedchaser]

You seem to be going through periods of doubt because you are seeing him occasionally and perhaps getting glimpses of ‘the good bits’. Are you sure he isnt sinply seeing other women to hurt you and make you feel guilt? A kind of payback because you dared to leave him. This simply shows how insensitive he’s being. I have dreams where I wake so anxious (they are usually about my husband meeting someone new) as a result I feel ‘regret’ and doubt all day about leaving him. But to ‘get myself into perspective’ I picture cmyself dealing with one of ‘his bad days’ – me curled on the armchair while he “lectures’ me about what I did wrong. Thus usually makes me realise… no I don’t want thus again… this time I have my freedom. I no longer have to deal with his behaviour and I can simply watch TV and relax. Your emotions will be all haphazard for a while but try to recognise patterns in how you feel and you’ll start to realise this is part of the grieving process of leaving a relationship. It doesn’t matter who ended it, it is just as hard to adjust.

[Author]

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