Hardest months of my life

[Confusedyetclear]

I finally made a decision to terminate my baby. It was without doubt the hardest thing ever. I came to a conclusion I couldn’t let it happen, I already felt like an incubator and the part time abusive father only popped in my short pregnancy of (detail removed by moderator) to let me know that he owned more of the baby than me and that I was not able to make many decisions about my baby’s future.he refused to come to scans based upon being (detail removed by moderator) so I dread to think what past history he had there I’m almost in shock reflecting back on this . I realised in that short time just how alone and hard it would be if I proceeded but more than that I realised my baby would have a tiny family due to me living far away from my own. The baby would be born to a monster who was determined on how the baby would be moulded as a person before it had even developed in my womb. I couldn’t let it happen. My baby deserved a family and to be born into love not survival , yet I wanted to keep it so badly.Absolutely devastated doesn’t even cut it.
Sending big hugs to anyone else struggling today x*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi confusedyetclear, and a huge big hug back to you too x

Personally, I think you made the right decision and this has now freed you and your other children from the claws of this man and what would have been many years of abuse and control. It’s very brave of you to come back here and update us and I really appreciate that you have because I have wondered about you over the past week or so and how you were doing.

Take some time for yourself to come to terms with your decision and be at peace with yourself over it. I hope you are able to completely severe ties with this man now and that he has no further involvement in your future.

Please be aware that he when he knows about this one of his options could be to try and love bomb you and fake his changed ways in order to try and get you to pregnant again. It is not unheard of that many ladies have had terminations when in an abusive relationship for similar reasons as you have done but then eventually do have a child with the abuser only to find themselves trapped in the exact nightmare they tried to avoid.

Please stay with the forum if you find it a helpful and supportive place for you, I’m sure your experiences will help other ladies too.

xx

[Anonymous]

HI Confusedyetclear, sending big hugs.
Hard as it might be going forward I think you have made a tough but necessary decision. My second child to my abuser was stillborn and he would be (detail removed by moderator) now – every time I (detail removed by moderator) I cry tears of guilt as I feel losing him gave me the strength to finally leave and give me and my other son a chance of life and I often think it was the kindest situation for him not to survive to full term as he would have had a monster for a dad and leaving would have been so much harder with a baby. My other son was (detail removed by moderator) when I left which meant he was able to refuse to see his dad and social services supported his decision, I think it would have killed me to hand an innocent child over to him to continue his abuse during visitation.
Sending all my love

[Wants To Help]

Bless you Monty, that must have been hard for you to write but so lovely as a supportive example of how your very sad situation turned in to a release for you to start a new life free from abuse. As you seem to have accepted, your second baby gave you a very special gift of life that you took. xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you monty. Your words mean a lot. The guilt is such a tough feeling isnt it and I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you know that it was not a reflection on you and doesn’t take away from you as a mother ! You got the strength to leave and that is amazing x*x

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you wants to help..I .pleased you mentioned this becuase I did consider he would do this and come back. I think the only positive out of this situation is that I feel some kind of strength to make sure he never gets any of my space every again. I move from grief to anger to sadness but always come back to the fact he doesn’t deserve to be a part of my life and certainly never near my children. I wanted to update so everyone who has been so supportive knew, and it really helped me understand I wasn’t crazy . Thank you x*x

[Eyesopening]

Hey lovely, you are so very brave. I know how hard that decision is, your post brought tears to my eyes. I had two abortions with my ex abuser. Absolutely no one knew about the first one, I didn’t know about the forum then. I was so isolated. He confused me so much about the decision because he pushed me to do it then the day before and afterward i had the termination he was like we should keep it, then made me feel bad for doing it. Then he discarded me. I went back to him (detail removed by moderator) and got pregnant again(he tried to on purpose to get me pregnant) i left immediately knowing I couldn’t have it with him and again all he could say to me was ‘we are not ready’. At that time i was starting to suspect he may be abusive, i had no idea about abuse then. Again i went back to him and lived a terrible (detail removed by moderator) trying and failing to leave him.
The abortions and his abuse after them were so painful, instead of comfort i was emotional manipulated over them. He always brought out the baby card to make me feel in pain.
I hope you can now cut this man out of your life.
Be so very gentle and kind to yourself. Let the tears come, let the pain come and acknowledge it, know you did the right thing. I mourned longer then I had to I think due to trying to just get on with life and ignoring my emotions.
X*x

[Confusedyetclear]

Sending you huge hugs eyes opening. We can’t do better when we don’t know better right , and sounds like he got you confused …gaslighting works wonders doesn’t it 🙁 like you I went back in the past and I always hoped hewould come good in the end but actually they don’t.and although I don’t feel it for myself I do feel Inspired that you got through this despite the pain that came with it. Big hugs x*x

[Needtoclarify]

You are so strong. I personally think you have made the right choice, the baby would be used as another weapon of control over you and be controlled. Stay strong and do not let him put you through this again, no matter how much he charms and tries to pull at your heart strings or you have moments of doubt or guilt, do not let him do this to you again and always remember the hard decision he’s forced you to make you make being your point of survival.

Keep talking and reaching out, you are very kind, unselfish and brave. I am proud of you for seeing this situation so clearly and for not putting the baby through a quality of life it would surely not deserve xo

[Eggshells]

Hi my lovely

Thank you for posting. You’ve been on my mind a lot recently.

This was probably the hardest decision you will ever have to make and you have done so well to work your way through it.

An abortion is really hard. You have all the grief of loosing a baby with lots of guilt mixed in. Always remember that you did this out of love. It took courage and strength. Take time to grieve. In time, you will find a way to say goodbye and perhaps commemorate your baby. It might be worth keeping a note of the date you lost your baby. It sounds crazy but this has been such a traumatic time for you that your memories might let you down.

Sending lots of love and hugs my lovely. You are not alone. xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Good morning eggshells and need to clarify. Having one of those heads where sleep apparently is t needed and instead I have laid in bed beating myself up for this poor innocent soul. Your messages have brought comfort, I keep forgetting I don’t this out of love and instead keep gaslighting myself into thinking I’m just not a very nice person. I think writing things down may help so I’m going to do that as a reminder alongside the day my baby was lost as I have also forgotten that and it was only days ago.
I feel sure that I did not deserve this which helps a little in being determined to set up some kind of promise to myself that he can never ever have the chance to do this to me ever again.
He has vanished off the face of the planet in his typical cycle and there was no interest in the complications that landed me admitted to hospital , which was the final sign to me of just how entirely alone I was in this and that I would be abandoned for anything that went against what he wanted.
It’s impossible for me to comprehend these people can be soooo cruel and cold but I guess I now believe monsters do exist.
Your words have given me comfort at silly o clock when my eyes won’t dam close . Thank you xx

[Eggshells]

He sounds so cruel. To disappear just when you need him the most beggers belief. It sounds like you’ve had a particularly rough time medically too. He has simply just proved what a monster he is. Nobody wants a father like that honey, your baby would have been very badly damaged. This type of abuse is very very difficult to shield a child from. You have protected your baby from horrendous abuse.

You don’t have to do anything now except focus on you and your family. Try to rest as much as you can. Sweet sleep will come eventually.

Your baby will always be right with you in your heart; a precious soul who is safe now and always loved by you. xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Eggshells I can’t tell you how much those words mean.thank you x*x

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