Has anyone been blamed for lack of financial stability ?

[Shecando]

Hi – this blame from my husband towards me is ongoing and causing me a great deal of anxiety …

my husband doesn’t feel he is in the financial position he / we should be because of me . He runs his own business and has never  contributed towards a pension. The years have flown by and he is now saying he isn’t where we should be because of reasons out of his control , because we didn’t plan for the future due to silliness at home . By silliness he means me – can’t explain what the issues were just  says that is why. He says the financial situation will never be redeemable and I don’t acknowledge it . I do – I sort the mortgage to reduce payments , try and save and reduce all bills , keep an eye on what we spend etc. He just says I’m missing the point and the bigger issue will never change . I have my own job with my own pension. Was o really responsible for ensuring he had one . We were both equally responsible  for lack of savings but we have had high outgoings . He says he is resentful of me for not being where he should be in life. This has been going on a long time as well as other forms of emotional and psychological abuse. He has these rants about finances , gets it all out then carries on his day leaving me thinking what can we do to recover things. Interestingly he doesn’t come up with anything just  says nothing will ever change due to no fault of his own. This is a lot for me to carry on my own amongst other things . Am I being unreasonable ? Am I solely responsible for our lack of future finance ? He makes comments like seeing people he knows who are doing really well and they will have planned it all with their wives . It isn’t fair and I don’t know what to do.

[Lisa]

Hi Shecando,

You’re not being unreasonable and you’re not to blame. Abusers don’t take responsibility for their behaviour or feelings. Your husband is an adult who has made his own choices in life, it’s not your job to organise him. It is misogynistic to see it as a wife’s duty to run the household finances. This is part of the wider abuse, another thing he can berate and belittle you about. Him putting all of these things on your shoulders gives him power because you’re then so overloaded that you have no time, energy, or mental resources to look at your own needs or think about how to be free of his abuse. I know that you’re not the only woman to experience this, you’re not alone.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Shecando]

Thank you for your response. It’s so ongoing it is actually draining me so much. He didn’t speak to me most of the weekend until he decided he was ready to. That it self is really unsettling. I have spoken with a helpline , one advisor was very forthright which actually made me feel empowered. A bit like your response . I need people to tell me it’s okay and not my fault because I’m always looking for things I could to help but nothing will ever be good enough. When I come up financial solutions , he says it’s too late , nothing will ever  change and he will never be able to retire . Have I really got to listen  to this for the next 20 years.

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