has anyone esle experienced their perpetrator playing the victim

[mred]

Hi Everyone, I’m new to this forum hope you are all doing ok. I am (age removed by moderator) and my husband left (time frame removed by moderator) when i started putting boundaries in placee he had gambling and drug addiction issues (now back in denial) .  I’ve experienced the cycle of abuse physical mental emotional financial ,,,Ive been trying to dvorce and do financial separation but he has been refusing to engage in the process ,,,he is now playing the victim and trying to delfect blaming me saying i was the one who was coercive making up lies to say i stopped him seeing friends (detail removed by moderator) , saying i am the one with issues -im told this is very common but i feel like im literally going crazy He had a well paid job but stopped working in (detail removed by moderator) he got his friend to contact me and tell me i would be arrested for financal abuse if i didnt and i was terrified (legal details removed by moderator) He has claimed he was suidical  and  its all down to the money and me not lifting the bank freeze -he was seriously depressive for years , he chose not to work to blow all money and i did eveyrthing i could to support him emotionally, sorting debt and faced deceit and abuse throughout for years and years  in fact i have some serious health conditions and made myself more ill with the stress and terror of it all. He is back now saying he will ‘go for me with hot shot laywers’ as hes got some money coming this week and classed disabled now and wants compensation and will have me arrested -i just cant face going over all the terror  horrendous  behaviours and abuse if i have to defend myself   (he got me to hide it when we were together i only felt brave enough to share once separateed) -i had started to heal and this has triggered it all and sent me spirallng i feel scared  and like i will never be free and dont honetsly know how much more i can take , has anyone else experienced their perpetrator playing the victim and false accusations its frifhtening the lengths he will go to to get what he wants still

[InShock]

Yes. I’m going through the false accusations right now. Sounds like you might have to go to court for the finances.

Try to self-soothe by reminding yourself that a lot of his nonsense is hot-air. He’s trying to scare you. Hopefully you have some documentation of the abuse in case you need it for anything.

Keep going. This is the hard part and hopefully it will calm down soon. Maybe try to get some counselling to support you during this difficult time

[mred]

hi sorry you are going through similar things , i could cope wiht the court re finances but he is making up lies about coercion and denying his addiction ,he seems hell bent on causing me maxiumum hurt as i put in boundaries and this time didnt enable and sort things financially for him ,,, hes really  really angry and bitter that i have said no for the first time in nearly (time frame removed by moderator)  -i do have some evidence of abuse but  a lot i hid for over (time frame removed by moderator) years and he knows i will be  really scared on every level plus my head is like mush with the overwhelming fear and stress still ongoing

he left (time frame removed by moderator) and has dragged this out to keep me stuck in limbo unable to heal no idea where i am financially but for the last year made all sorts of false accusations and threats of crinimal charges when he found out i told my solicitor about the addiction and abuse  , he will do anything to prptect,,, ive had some amazing support from professionals over the last few years (wouldnt be here without it) re abuse and additiciotn and my friends but his threats are terrifying to me -hes very convincing  and gets what he wants at any cost

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Yes, absolutely, I am getting exactly the same thing.
I’m so upset about it I don’t know what I can say at the moment., except, my strong feeling is that mine is using fear to abuse me.
He has done and said things over the course of our relationship which made me believe that he had no limits’.

[mred]

oh gosh i can totally relate and i keep telling myself i havent done wrong and he has ad do  professionals, friends , solciitors etc but he will stop at nothing when he is angry and bitter  i know him better than anyone and seen what hes capable of

he has lied throughout our relationship and convinced others it makes me feel like im loosong my mind

please  make sure you share with your loved ones and stay safe

[mred]

yes its utterly terrifying the lengths my hsuband will go to to gte what he wants and protect the addiction like you say no limits and the fear can be overwhelming

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ive come up with an idea and I don’t know yet if it will help (because I’m in deep anxiety too, like you) but I decided I’m going to take some sheets of paper and write down the worst possible things that could happen, all my fears and worst possible outcomes, like in a circle or something, and then try and work backwards from there towards practical things I can do to prevent them or find out how ‘realistic’ the fear is. Like you, everyone around me seems to be able to see that it’s all just threats and that he’s chucking every possible thing at me to try and get me to react. They don’t believe a word he says. I can’t see it that way.
But I have noticed looking back that some of the things that I was so worried about a few weeks ago have just disappeared, so I am doubting myself a bit and thinking that I’m reacting from a very fearful place. That said, others have no idea how vengeful and vile these people are so I think it’s definitely best  to expect the worst of them.

But I am going to try and actually put into words on paper the fears I have and try and work through them that way.

[mred]

definitely worth trying i also try and bring myself back fromthe enormous anixiety and fear by trying to stay in the present and not waste energy on the what if , although he will lie and know no limits so part of me is like you and wants to know the worst and try an protect where  i can -sorry you are exeperiencing similar fear noone should be made to feel like this keep talking to others who can help and make you feel safe

[WoundedGeek]

Yes, in my experience abusers play the victim and lie continuously to you, family, friends etc. They make you feel isolated and then all the anxiety is focused inwards and destroys your confidence, causes fear and guilt, but this is exactly why the abuser is controlling, coercing, manipulating you. I am physically disabled and due to my abuser have fairly severe mental health issues. The only things that I have found helpful is to speak about it to close family, and to join here. It is amazing how family have accepted what I have said, as if they knew something was wrong, but didn’t know how to help when I always made excuses for my abuser’s behaviour and hid my pain and embarrassment. Another thing is to reach out to people who can help, whether on the phone or via online chats. I still struggle to vocalise the abuse, but I am starting to vocalise the practical issues like finances and legal with those who can support me. I wrote a list of bullet points of the facts and the questions I want answered. I spoke to the CAB, Citizens Advice Bureau who offered some advice and support. I felt that they were good for the practical side, but not specialist services. It was a good beginning though. I also googled “domestic abuse services help” with my area/town name. I found some orgs that can offer support and free legal advice, others signposted other resources. At least I know who to call when I am ready. And having a plan is helping me cope and not feel so confused and scared. My abuser is demanding financial/legal things which I now know is unreasonable, and although it is likely that he will force me to go to court and confront him, I know that it is the only way to get a fair settlement. I have been backed into a corner and have to stand my ground legally because otherwise it will ruin my financial future – as my abuser intends as his final act of abuse.

[mred]

so familiar and so sorry …yes you must find strength to focus on the practical steps and process and get things done so you can start to heal and move forward without the abuse …if i could see an end to it all via court sorting fiancnials i would feel some small hope and safer but  as i spoke up about the abuse and addiction my husband is not happy with that  in fact he was raging  and hes determined to  damage and now try and hurt  me further and  discredit me instead now trying to flip it and say it was me who was coercive  and has been threatening to have me arrested on several occasions saying he spoke to hot shot solicitors and police and they agree  and  he will claim compensation for his poor health   (which btw was like that before down to the drugs he just hid it from all but me)  ,, it utterly terrifying the lengths he will go to and lies and can convince with his charm and desparartion knowing what he has done to me

[Chillijam]

A few things I got taught..

1. When you’re are being gaslighted and made to feel like your the problem, you fret over every small thing… For me my ex was a coke addict so I cut him off the family finances. He never contributed anyways and I was at my wits end going around the supermarket counting up the shopping and worrying if I could pay for it as he had been using the account like a personal ATM. He then called me controlling etc several times. However after turning myself inside out being made to believe I was financially abusive, a lady from our local support service said, it’s all about the intention. What was the intention? The intention was of course to feed, house and cloth our children. No one is going to argue with that.

2. I was the problem, I had issues, I was crazy, emotionally abusive, a bully, a c@#t etc.. again I turned myself inside out. Thinking maybe he’s right, maybe I am abusive and bullying him, he has no say it’s all coming from me.. I read this book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It taught me that just the fact that I was searching my soul for things that I had done wrong was the simple reason this wasn’t true. Abusive people don’t think they are abusive they don’t turn to themselves to see what they are accountable for they shift the blame on others.

3. Affirmation

I don’t feel sorry for you, I don’t feel sorry for you, I don’t feel sorry for you… Over and over I would repeat this in my head… At the poor me, woe it’s me.. I’m so lonely… How could you cut me off like that, I could never do that to you … I’ve got nothing, I’ve got no one, everything’s hurting.. blah blah blah. I was told just give it a go, something to do with the brain I can’t remember really what, my mind was so foggy then. Slowly it worked not always not straightaway but bit by bit it worked. They cause there entire situation and cause us unearned guilt.

I don’t know if any of this helps. It helped me along with lots of other stuff….. You can do this, it’s your life, they are one person amongst billions, don’t let them s***f out your light.. you’ve got this, a life of peace is worth the dogged determination it takes to walk away completely cut the contact and cut there b******t… I would rather eat bread and butter in a tiny bedsit in peace than be with someone that drains the life out of me with toxicity ever again…

[mred]

thanks for sharing  my husbands addcition was cocaine too i dont think he even sees the destruction and damage anymore and is back in denial of any addicition trying to play down as habitual in case of court likely ,,,i can relate so much to feeling like you are the one going crazy and questioning every about yourself and your self worth as thats how the behaviour makes you feel and like you no monye is worth this i just want to be free  and thats the worst i am starting the financial rmeedy process as i need an end but his threats and false accusations that im coercive after what he knows hes done to me is really scary and distressing i just want to heal be free and move forward -sorry you have felt simialr and hope you surround yourself with good people and can rebuild and find peace and happiness

[Twosides]

I feel completely devastated.Everyone believes him I wish I hadn’t said anything and walked away with nothing. Even ‘professionals are fooled by him. I wish my life would just end so I wouldn’t feel the pain I feel now it’s like living in hell. I feel such a fool for trusting anyone. I told the truth yet I’m blamed and shamed accused. I don’t know why this is happening I know he’s smart but I honestly thought I would be believed I’m not a liar. I have never felt so degraded humiliated by the things that have been said to me.

the hurt is unbearable I feel so alone my life is totally destroyed I spend day after day alone crying trying to figure out what I did wrong. I won’t ask for help ever again.

[Lisa]

Hi Twosides,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting so honestly about how you’re feeling. I hope that sharing support here with other women who understand will help.

You deserve to be believed and you deserve to have support. I’ve sent you a private message with some information.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[mred]

thanks lisa i will look

[mred]

oh my this is exactly how i feel i cant udnerstand how people dont see through the lies and manipualtion and literally feel like im going insane

i have some close friedns and family who know the truth and its importnat to share and surround yourself with those who make you feel safe -please also reach out to the domestivc abuse charities for support -i found out its so common for abusers to play the victim  , your health happiness and freedom is worth more than anything , you can do this and will be free sending strength

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Quite a long time into the split and he is still completely convinced that he’s the victim. In fact more convinced than at the start. He’s kind of created a whole narrative about it now, and bought into it.
It’s so horrible but really it’s probably a lot of the reason that I stayed in the first place, because he convinced me it was my fault. I was the nasty one.
And when I look back to when we met I remember that he was the victim then too, of his awful ex wife, his awful parents, his awful boss etc etc.

And me like an idiot felt sorry for him!

Lot of good points in this thread…any of the original commenters still reading? How has your take on this changed over the last few weeks, if it has? Would be good to hear about that…

[Always time for tea]

Oh my! I feel exactly the same way. My ex has blamed me for every single thing but most of what he is accusing me of is what he is doing, he has me feeling so isolated and lost. He has played the mental health card with me for years and I have tried to help and support him where now I truly believe he is using it as a pawn in his sick and twisted game. He has me convinced I was going to jail, I’d lose my children and I was a massive abuser when in reality the most I’ve ever done was threw some water on him when he was screaming in my face. I know it was bad and I shouldn’t have done it but he just doesn’t stop, I acted totally out of character but I felt so wound up and finally he got a reaction.  It’s so so cruel and I know this feeling we have is awful, I hope we can all be brave and get through this 🙏

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Hi Always time for tea. It’s a really awful experience isn’t it, to be in the middle of this. I think it does fade out after a while and going no contact makes this happen much quicker but not everybody can go no contact, at least not straight away.

When I see others going through it I can be rational and see that these abusers have nothing to lose by threatening all these things. They get a reaction from us and know that some of it is bound to be upsetting us even if we don’t show it. I can see that it’s hot air, lies and threats and the police and courts would probably just be annoyed by this stuff ( I have a friend who’s a lawyer who’s told me this). But when you’re in the middle of it yourself it feels so frightening and ‘real’ and scary.

I also notice that abusers often use the idea that attack is the best form of defense. It has worked for them repeatedly over the years.

The act of being attacked makes most of us back off and say “I just want to move on”, “I just want it over with, he owes me money but he can keep it, I just want rid of him” etc

And so we can see how this abuse works very well as a tactic. While we’re worrying about what they’re accusing us of, were not pursuing them for the money they owe us, or legal redress for what they’ve put us through.

it works as a tactic. They gain real life benefits from it.

There are no consequences from it. No one calls them out about it and we are just too scared to (understandably!)

[Fallenofftheradar]

I really resonated with the part you wrote about them using attack as defense instantly and effectively. It’s exactly what happened in the dynamic with my ex as well, and let to me walking on eggshells and never wanting to open up about what went on in my head. And then he’d blame me for not laying my soul bare for him, making me feel like a bad partner for not always wanting to share my deepest thoughts and feelings, but everything I did share has been used against me at some point so.. Such a headf***k

[StrongLife]

Yes – he played victim. It was difficult but again no proof.

 

[Shecando]

My husband plays the victim and happily tells me that I’m acting like a victim and that I’m the least hard done by person he knows. He tells me I have treated him badly over the years , that I’ve never been great with him and that I need him. He also tells me close people have noticed it . He never says who which is interesting . He has told me all this , then not spoken to me all (timeframe removed by Moderator) . It’s utter misery. I have no one to confide in so I read everything on here otherwise I would go mad. It wears you down and curses your spirit but I won’t apologise to him for things I haven’t done x

[Shecando]

Oh and he also tells me he’s done more for me than anyone he knows including my family. I can’t leave , I have no money but I dream about what it would be like and thank the lucky stars when he isn’t at home. Hope that helps to know you’re not alone x

[Eyeswideopen]

It’s so sad to see these posts, sorry for what you are going through. All of them place the blame on us and play the victim, and agree with another poster, his truths will become more ingrained in him as time goes past, so any hope they will come to terms with what happens and acknowledge, is futile. My ex says I’m the devil, cause of everything that’s ever gone wrong in his life, takes zero accountability…its so frustrating and sometimes they still manage to make us feel pity and guilt as they are so good in gaslighting and lies. Mine also said I didn’t know what he’d be capable of, which still brings a chill down my spine as even if things are “calmer”, I’m constantly afraid ill say or do “the wrong thing”, be with kids or having new relationship, and he can do something crazy. He told me many times I didn’t want to see what he could do if he felt had nothing to lose, so still keeps me his hostage emotionally even (timeframe removed by Moderator) years post divorce… sorry don’t have huge advice other than seek support and protection, and work on yourself, rebuilding your life x*x

[Fallenofftheradar]

Yes absolutely everything is twisted round to make them the victim in everything.

I said I could no longer deal with his intense outbursts of anger (usually over insignificant things), that they made me feel unsafe and were destructive to the relationship.

1. Turn it around:

He actually said that I’m the abuser because with the above I’m apparently asking him to not have any emotions or he is not allowed to express his emotions, which makes me abusive

2. Woe is me:

He is anxiously attached, he has trauma, he has such intense emotions, he’s so stressed about losing me. All these things apparently make it OK for him to lose his s**t with me over nothing and tear me down and gaslight me, but we should all have some understanding for him because he can’t control it for all the above reasons so actually we need to feel bad for him. Also he said sorry afterwards so why can’t I get over it already

[Author]

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