Has anyone ever left without the kids?

[Overcome]

Hi all,

I am just wondering if anybody has ever left their emotionally abusive partners but let the children stay with him?

Basically, the only person who gets the abuse is me, he is a doting dad and the children adore him. I am looking at going to a womens refuge after the latest attempt to put me back down under his foot, but I don’t want to rip the children from their home and the life they know and love.

Has anyone ever done this? Was it successful? (On the children’s part, I know this will devastate me)

With love,

Overcome

[Yellowflower]

Hi overcome I understand your in a very tricky place but from what I’ve read on here people strongly advice not leaving your children behind. Abusers use our children to continue the abuse against us. No doubt if you left he would stop you seeing the children or dictate to you constantly when you are allowed to see them. Can you imagine the power trip he would be having knowing he has that power over you. Also if you was to go to court I have heard that if you say they were was abuse within the relationship they will argue why have you left your children there. Leaving them with an abuser. They love their dad and that is ok they have every right to. However I’m sure on occasions they will have seen him be abusive or heard him? They may well have heard it downstairs or in the other room but that does affect them. They may be under his control too? I think you need to seek advice from women’s aid. They will point you in the direction on a solicitor. Most give a free half an hour. Please don’t leave without your children I fear you may regret it x*x

[KIP.]

Hi, I think being a doting dad doesn’t include abusing their mother and although he may seem like a doting dad, that only because they are pliable and easily manipulated. Once they get older and stand up to him or go against him, they too will be on the receiving end. You’re not thinking clearly because of the abuse (in my experience). I think with support from women’s aid and the police and the courts. You could have an extremely pivotal role in their lives. Teaching them compassion, empathy and that abuse isn’t acceptable. Before you leave the children I’d exhaust every single avenue open to you, including an exclusion order to have him removed from your home and your life. Contact can be via a third party and you can be in charge in the home. Lean heavily on women’s aid. You are much stronger than you would ever imagine. Your children need you x is it possible for you to rent a property somewhere else? Your local housing department have a duty to rehome victims of domestic abuse or if you’re in rental property, to remove the perpetrator. He’s not a doting father, he’s a controlling father. Ring the helpline number on here to talk through your options.

[HopeLifeJoy]

I considered it very seriously.
I also suffered emotional abuse and financial abuse, I believed since I seem to be the problem everything would be fine for my children if I left. I was about to discuss plans with my family (who were horrified but supportive) but my youngest baby somehow has a sixth sense and started to not wanting to sleep alone anymore and started to follow me whenever I left the room even just to the bathroom, also in the middle of the night. So I couldn’t go through with it. My youngest showed me how important I am to her and how much she needed me. Soon after I left the house with both my children.

My advice is go to a refuge WITH your children and think about your next move from there, in safety and peace.
Please do call the helpline to get started.
Sending you strength, keep strong darling, keep posting

[diymum@1]

I wouldn’t advise this at all. the ladies above are right if he is capable off abusing you things could change if he was left with the kids ie more power over them and you. youd be playing right into his hands. My best friends mum left 4 kids one of them adored him and the rest were terrified off him. I can say it deeply scared the kids and tore that family part for good. he will use the kids against you that’s a given. The kids don’t really understand the dynamics off this so you have to take control – take them with you/ your their rock there steady person in reality and in essence xx WA will support you and the kids xx

[Overcome]

Thank yo all for the replies, I guess I am not as clear headed as I believe.

I really, really didn’t want to make this a messy break up. I didn’t want to have to go through courts and the police. I hear you all loud and clear and I do think he is capable of turning the children against me.

Problem is, everything is in his name. He pretty much pays all the bills, the things I have contributed I cannot prove so i don’t think i could get him to leave. I can’t afford to get a place of my own with my wage and outgoings as it is. I was trying to reduce them and save a kitty before finally leaving, but my hand was turned for me.

Do I have any rights to stay in the family home?

I am in contact with a solicitor, (a family friend) so waiting for their response also.

Thank you all again for your replies,

With love,

Overcome.

[Escapee]

Hey overcome xx

I know this is as scary as hell but if you reach out for help, it’ll all fall into place. Once I reached out, I was out very quickly. I have no job and only a little money behind me but I believe with every atom in my body that it will be ok.

I also left my abuser years ago with my babies and doors opened.

Reach out to anyone you can, WA, your GP, the Police.

Good luck sweetheart xx

[KIP.]

Ring Rights of Women for free legal advice. If he’s abusing you and you can gather proof, a civil order can exclude him from the family home. Good legal advice will give you the truth of your situation as no doubt he’s filled your head with lies. Yes you have rights to stay in the family home. Although he will make this dangerous once he knows you want to split so tell him nothing. He will also have an obligation to house his children and if you’re the main Carer this will include you. It all feels overwhelming but get in touch with your local women’s aid who will know all your options x

[Overcome]

Thank you KIP,

I am currently trying to get through to Rights of Women advice line. been trying for 1 hour 15 with 45 mins left until they shut! Wish me luck I get through!

He already knows I want to split. According to him I have left already. He is too proud to do anything stupid… he is high ranking in his job and is majorly concerned about how he is seen. So has basked in the fact I nearly lost my mind this year as it confirms to him that i was the crazy one…

I will take your advice on board though, and thank you x

P.S I have already been in touch with women’s aid.

[KIP.]

Mine too was high ranking and his reputation was everything. Still didn’t stop him losing it with a red mist. Personal message me anytime. They are liars and bullies and I too was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and PTSD because of his behaviour. He nearly killed me but I still kicked his a*s. You will be believed x you’re doing everything right x keep going ✊️ Don’t leave your kids. You won’t always feel abused and overwhelmed x

[fizzylem]

Ive considered this at length also, wondered if it would be better for her not to be in the middle, should I step back, but it was during the times I felt powerless and desperate; now I have gained the info I need for the battle it’s on and I cant believe I ever contemplated this now as it would have been a terrible outcome for her. Do what you need to do and take it one step at a time x

[Author]

Posts