17th June 2020 at 11:38 pm #106661
hello, I have been reading up for the last week or so on emotional abuse and I dont know if it is happening to me or if I am just trying to find a label for being a bit fed up.
I have been with my partner for (removed by moderator) years and we have an (removed by moderator) year old son. He has always been hard work and has had issues with jealousy but also gambling and debt problems which has now led to me controlling all money as he can’t be trusted. He has been brought up in the way that if he has a strop he gets his own way and even now in his (removed by moderator) this works with his parents.The major issues that have come to light since just before and during lockdown etc is if I speak to anyone male that isn’t gay or a family member he will question me daily until he basically eradicates any male contacts in my life it has always been this way even though he has many female friends . He saw a message from someone from my gym on my phone whilst going through it when I was asleep it was innocent but he now makes it out that I have had some sordid affair so I have deleted that app altogether. I have since put a fingerprint lock on my phone not because I am hiding anything but to stop him reading into things on my phone and making a mountain out of a molehill. I find myself lot telling the truth just to stop the strop it will cause if anyone male ever speaks to me
He has it in his head that I am some sexual goddess that everyone wants to sleep with. Having reading through some online materials I have seen a pattern in men that emotionally abuse are nasty he really isn’t and worships the ground I walk on but maybe just too much. Another issue I have is the xbox he plays it at the end of our bed into the early hours my friend laid into him about this which he hated (removed by moderator). He has always been very picky with things even down to the food shop which he now does as I can never get it right so I just gave him the job then I can’t be to blame. Am I just fed up now I am at home all day rather than at work or is he just a man child!
18th June 2020 at 10:15 am #106678
Since writing this I have realised I missed some bits out my partner also has suicidal threats, after his last gambling loss (detail removed by moderator). Also when we had our last crisis talk where be said thi gs like I show no affection and all.my affection now goes on my son. He drove off somewhere (removed by moderator)) I heard nothing from mhim he just sent me the (removed by moderator). He says his worse fear in life is losing me and our son. Sorry to go on and on if I see a friend when I get home he asks if I have talked about him/us so now I just say no I didn’t.
18th June 2020 at 10:25 am #106679bringbacktheoldmeParticipant
Hi, This sounds like a similar situation to what I was in with my partner. Firstly he should not be looking through your phone but putting a fingerprint passcode or changing it will make him feel like there is something to hide. Does he go to the gym with you and has he met these people? The reason I ask is that he may feel threatened by the unknown and if he was to get to know these other males like you do then he would feel at ease with them messaging you and know there is nothing else going on, it could also be that he has some insecurities, as if he is body conscious and you go to the gym with males who are athletic then you may prefer that to him even though you don’t and you are with him for a reason.
With the gaming I would say that this needs to stop as it isn’t healthy to be doing this during the night when you should both be sleeping, maybe suggest that he has an allotted time during the evening of an hour or 2 and then you spend time watching tv or something together?
If his parents have let him get away with this all his life then you need to become the disciplinary figure in the situation and take control as you have with the finances and lay down some rules.
18th June 2020 at 10:43 am #106681
Thank you for your reply.
So we joined the gym together as he was told by the Dr that he needed to as he was (removed by moderator). I got the bug for it and he went only a handful of times. In regards to knowing the people it doesn’t matter whether he knows them or I show him the messages there is always something going on or they will always want to sleep with me in his mind. What you say is exactly right he does think as I go to the gym I will want to leave him for a gym person.
He won’t stop the gaming it has been an issue for years, he says if i am doing it too much tell me but he will maybe not go on for a couple of nights but I feel like it is being forced what doesn’t help is that he plays with his (removed by moderator) so again its kind of what he knows
18th June 2020 at 5:54 pm #106707
I would say there are obviously some things you have been reading about emotional abuse that have started to raise concerns for you. I found it very easy to question myself and think maybe it isn’t maybe I am just unhappy: which in itself is reason enough to leave a relationship. I would say think about how he makes you feel, do you feel his strops are designed to make you change your mind and manipulate as you say he gets his own way? How does he react if you ask him to stop the gaming throughout the night? Does he acknowledge your feelings? Is he trying make sure you get zero sleep? Do you feel able to talk to him about his gambling or do you get anxious and worried about his reaction? You should be able to talk to someone you have been with for years even if sometimes it is uncomfortable, if you do feel uncomfortable why? What are you worried about him doing? Having a strop? Does he scare you, has in the past etc? Have you tried writing everything down this can make things clearer sometimes and patterns can emerge, as people have written here sometimes things can be small in isolation but combined show a damaging and abusive picture. Sorry not sure if that helps I am no expert, but I think you are started to see possible things, listen to your instincts, you searched for this forum for a reason, explore and read on here x
18th June 2020 at 5:59 pm #106709
Just to add I didn’t have the jealousy situation in this way, but for me that is a red flag, that would drive me nuts!
18th June 2020 at 8:24 pm #106720
Thank you for your reply that has really made things make a little more sense. I am on egg shells as I can’t bare the strops I wouldn’t say I was scared if him or even feel unsafe i just can’t cot bare the way it makes me feel the tension etc which is why throughout the relationship I will so anything to avoid the strops
18th June 2020 at 8:28 pm #106721BalloonsParticipant
I am really no expert, and often doubt myself too. But I would personally say the suicidal threats are a big red flag, especially if it makes you feel trapped or responsible for his life. I too really struggle with the definitions of abuse and have often asked about whether something is abusive or not, especially if there seems to be good times too. Sorry that’s not much help, just thought I’d share my same feelings with you x
18th June 2020 at 9:13 pm #106729Wants To HelpParticipant
I sometimes struggled with the word ‘abuse’ too. The dictionary definition is
‘treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly’.
I knew my ex had issues with insecurities and trust (he said his previous wife had an affair) and these insecurities led to anger. This led to ‘occasional’ violence, which I knew was Domestic Violence.
The other ‘stuff’ I couldn’t get to fit with the word ‘abuse’. Was jealous behaviour, insults, verbal digs, sarcasm, suspicion, being mean, being uncharitable, rudeness, selfishness, shouting, sulking, undermining decisions, stubbornness, getting angry, ridiculing decisions, taking charge of everything, was that abusive? Was it mentally and emotionally abusive or was it mentally and emotionally upsetting?
Whatever it was, it made me unhappy, made me cry, anxious, depressed. It made me lose confidence in myself, my appearance, my decision making, my ability to feel I could use the phone when I wanted to, to see family and friends when I wanted to. I felt stifled, I felt I couldn’t be spontaneous, I couldn’t accept invitations to places without first checking with him if it was ok. If I took him to a works do, or a friend’s wedding, I couldn’t be certain that he’d behave reasonably or politely. He would be unpredictable depending on who was there and how he felt my ‘relationship’ was with them. If he thought it may be possible I’d previously had sex with a work colleague then he’d be rude to them (even though I hadn’t) and this would then embarrass me. These things would ‘upset’ me a lot, but I did not see this as direct abuse to me.
Then the law changed and made these types of behaviours a criminal offence. Many of us struggle to see this as a ‘crime’. We see it as ‘a difficult relationship’ or an ‘unhappy relationship’ or in some cases a ‘normal relationship’ because all relationships have their difficulties don’t they?!
The biggest factor in all of this is FEAR. Are we scared of our partners? Are we scared that we or our children could get physically hurt if we try to discuss something, try to do something, try to end the relationship?
However we define our relationships, if we are not happy in it we are entitled to leave it. If we are on this forum then we have already endured a lot, tried to make it work a lot, likely to have been physically hurt a lot, sexually abused a lot. None of us are here because we are considering leaving a partner at the first sign of a disagreement.
If you are not happy in your relationship for whatever reason, it is permissible to leave. You do not have to have confirmation that it is indeed ‘abuse’ for you to breathe that sigh of relief and think ‘thank God it’s been confirmed, now I can go’.
18th June 2020 at 10:27 pm #106744
Thank you so much ladies, i really needed to air my thoughts to someone espcially with being on furlough i dont see people as much as i usually would so very much am in my head a lot of the time at the moment xx
18th June 2020 at 10:39 pm #106750
I have found this forum an incredible help. The name confused and anxious potentially says a lot about how he is making you feel. My first post I put the title as confused, I then realised just how many others had done the same!!
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