Has he changed?

[Fairylady]

Hi all,

I’ve spoke on here a few times and a few things have changed. He isn’t anywhere near as bad as what he used to be however I still have the same fears of not wanting to go out or speak to people incase he gets mad. He still tries to dictate and has told me recently the relationship is a dictatorship and I need to do as im told. He has been nice recently and not had any issues apart from the odd outburst when he’s threatened to smash my belongings up or told me that he doesn’t need me and if I dont start doing as im told he will bin me off because he doesnt care. These are minor occasions and he’s been nice all in-between the last month or so. Has he changed and should I stay? I always wake up and think “I dont want to be here” but I wonder if its just because of things he’s done in the past. Has he changed? Can he change?

Thanks all x

[brighterdays]

It sounds like he hadn’t changed if he’s still displaying the same behaviours. How would you respond to your post if you were a friend or stranger? If you wake up and don’t want to be there, that’s a pretty clear sign. I think at my clearest in the mornings as there are no distractions.
You shouldn’t have to ‘do as your told’. Healthy relationships aren’t dictatorships, they should be 2 equal people with shared values.
It sounds like you’re living in fear of the next outburst, which I can totally relate to and it’s such a horrible way to live.

[gettingtired]

It doesn’t sound like he’s changed at all. Like brighterdays said relationships are not and should never be dictatorships.
I also agree it’s a horrible way to live. My partner has threatened to throw my belongings out in the street, told me he doesn’t want this relationship etc before and I know how horrible that is too.
Like you I also often long to just move out back to my parents and have my own life but it’s so hard when you love him.
I’m still getting clued up on it all but I’m afraid it’s highly unlikely any of them will change. Have you read any of the recommended books on the book list? It helps to explain about abuse, the myths such as the reason why they’re abusive (they have mental health issues, they have anger issues, they drink or do drugs, they do it because they love us etc) and dissolves all of these myths. Having said that its still incredibly hard to come to terms with (I’m still trying to process it all) but I’d really recommend reading up on it all if you can xx

[Same-again]

The relationship is a dictatorship and you need to do as you’re told?!

What the actual f**k. Argh….. run. Get out of that s****y situation if you can.

You wake up and think ‘I don’t want to be here’ is your answer ie NO – you don’t want to there/with him.

IT DOES NOT IN ANYWAY sound like he’s changed.

I’m so mad for you on the ‘you will do as you’re told’. F**k you/him/them. Grrrrrrr.

WHO.DOES.HE.THINK.HE.IS?

Also, they’re not minor things. Just saying. 🙂

[Watersprite]

No – he hasn’t changed and my experience is they don’t, just get worse with nice spells to keep us in line. It is so common to minimise their behaviour. Please reach out for support – GP women’s aid – leaving and making plans is the most dangerous time so reach out safely but you deserve so much more x

[Catjam]

Mine is the same, being nice and calm. But likes to tell me he is being nice and calm.
Lundy Bancroft has a website and on there he gives a list of things to look for if they promise change.
I spoke to Refuge and they warned me not to discuss things with him because he will just change his tactics to lure us back in. We start to question our reality. The only way they can change is with years of therapy but even then they can manipulate that. They will need to accept responsibility for the way they treat people and unfortunately they can’t and won’t.
Read everything you can and reach out to your gp and women’s aid for help.

[Onwardsandupwards]

This is something we deal with mentally and can be struggle at times. This thinking comes ftom him continuously making you question yourself and your needs not being met and this together with the abuse cycle.

I would recommend for you to watch YouTube videos on n**********c abuse and the abuse cycle. Also red flags in a relationship. One of the first signs of an abusive relationship is questioning yoursel. He is making you doubt yourself and blame yourself. So building yourself up will help you start thinking clearly and whats best for you.

Take a step back and try to imagine if someone you love dearly came to you with this same situation, what advice what you give them and what would you think about their partner.

The reason we forgive, overlook their abuse and find it difficult to leave is because we love and crave for how they were in the beginning of the relationship. When they stop being abusive or change something for a short time, we think that maybe they’ve finally changed this time. So we stay a little longer each time. But the abuse and control will only get worse the longer you stay.

[Fairylady]

Thankyou all so much for your advice, its helped massively. I didnt think he had but I always question myself and what is best to do and where to go to advice.

Thankyou all again, im sure there will be an outburst sure enough and I plan on leaving soon as I dont want to feel like this anymore.

I’m angry at myself for letting it get to this, I used to be such a strong person and now I feel like nothing x

[maddog]

None of this is your fault. Possibly something terrible happened to him when he was young. You weren’t there.

Please go Grey Rock with him. Don’t discuss anything important as he’ll use it against you. The weather’s usually pretty safe to talk about!

Please also make sure you have a safety plan in place. If you haven’t already, it’s a good idea to discuss this with Women’s Aid. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time in a relationship.

We tend to minimise bad behaviour. Threatening to smash your belongings sounds horrific and frightening.

Keep reaching out and you will be able to start re-building your life. Get out safely, and don’t tell him or hint that you are leaving.

[Princess Warrior]

Hello Maddog,

You should be proud to share the above and for opinions of women on here that have thought the same.

I was one of them and every time even literally the next day he did it again.

Once he was arrested abs I say the trial through to sentencing I found out his previous Exes including two being mother of his kids, he eat and beat them.

So you really deep down believe he will or has changed when you already have dear sunken in about if you go out?

You sound an amazing person and I can tell you deserve better than this abs a lot better and you can have it – but that’s down to you.
I can tell you it’s hard. But worth it a million and more percent

I wish you luck

PW x*x

[Camel]

Hi Fairylady

New tactics, same old abuser.

My sister suffered violence from her partner for (detail removed by Moderator). There’d be an assault, followed by a happy high. But then she’d feel the tension building up. She told me it was actually a relief when he beat her again.

Are the ‘nice’ times you describe actually false highs? Is ‘nice’ another way of saying ‘not nasty’?

Don’t punish yourself for finding yourself a victim in spite of being a strong woman. Just be thankful for that strength right now.

Take everyone’s advice on leaving safely. We can never be too prepared. Good luck x

[Fairylady]

Hi guys, just in the back of this, has anyone had the experience of their partner calling them by other womens names cause they find it funny?
My partner will call me by different women’s names and expect me to answer. I personally don’t think its funny and I have spoken to him and asked him why he does it, he just says he finds it funny.
Has anyone else had this?

Thanks

[maddog]

It’s to deride and diminish you. He’s getting his rocks off by putting you down. Is that funny?

[maddog]

I’m so sorry for sounding harsh, Fairylady. I’m feeling so angry about the tricks these people get up to and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Although it’s a horrible treacherous path that we’re on, there are loads of people to hold our hand along the way.

[Author]

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