Has he changed

[orchid7]

Hey all, I left years ago and his contact was frequent for (timeframe removed by Moderator) or so, in this time I understand he was still bad with substances, but for (timeframe removed by Moderator) years he hasn’t contacted except for an apology, and I know reliably that he hasn’t used for a few years and has done recovery programmes, is it bad to consider contacting him to see if things could be?

[Cherries]

I think the first thing to ask yourself would be ‘why’.

Recovery programmes can certainly bring about change I think if actually the work is done.

But why reopen that channel?

When you knew him last, he wasn’t well if he was using. So that person you fell in love with would be a different person now, if they are working towards sobriety and maintaining it.

Im not saying its a bad idea, just saying before you do, ask yourself why, honestly. Give it time. Mull it over. Sit with it a while. Some things are easier to get into than they are to get out of, and outside appearances rarely reflect inside appearances x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi orchid7

It isn’t ‘bad’, I would say it’s normal. Don’t forget what you went through to get away, and all the soul-searching and excusing/minimising of his behaviours you had to do to live with him. What you are going through now is completely normal to feel, your hopes are up, you haven’t let go of the man that caused you all the pain, and now it seems there’s hope that you feel it could work and would be worth going back for.

He’d be like an alcoholic, and you would be like his alcohol. He might want that, but as he’s already got a highly toxic dynamic with you, you have never had a relationship with him, only abuvive dynamic, which is far from a relationship, so what you have always looked upon as a relationship you realised at some point wasn’t, and it still isn’t. You only know this man through abuse, and he only knows you through abuse. It’s incredibly unlikely, sadly, that his attitudes and beliefs at the very deepest level are really changed, and the two of you do not have any experience of healthy relationship to help steer you through if you were to go back, you only have the toxic experience which you rightly left as you deserved better.

I know you would hope, and this is what you have, we all hope for very long times, often far too long, that it will just stop, that he will be the nice and not the nasty. Trouble is, the mr nice guy was abuse too, pulling you in.

You haver experienced all this, so don’t need anyone pointing any of it out, just be realistic about who he really is, if he’s changed, then he isn’t someone you know anymore.

The main thing is to look after yourself, prioritise protecting yourself over anything you might give to someone else, after your experiences. Above all, stay safe, and notice risk.

Good luck with your choices, find out all you can before believing things he might tell you as part of his further abuse of you.

warmest wishes

ts

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