Have I done this to myself for tolerating it?

[Toomuchfaith]

I’m really struggling at the moment to break away from a relationship. I am struggling to understand what’s abuse and what isn’t.

I have a child with this person which makes it harder.

We have a colourful history, and he spent years of our relationship cheating on me.
(detail removed by Moderator)

It’s been torture since. Absolute torture. But until now I’ve always thought it was because I was “too sensitive” – something he would always say.

No matter how loyal I would be, how little I did outside the house (I couldn’t even go to do the food shop alone without accusations), and the lack of social life I had (while he was able to see his friends) he would accuse me of inviting men round the house while he was at work. This was when we had a baby, occasionally his mum would have the child so I could do chores (he would always complain if the house was a mess coming in from work) but he was adamant I used this time to have sex with others.

At the point I really was devoted to him, I couldn’t see another life. And he continued to cheat on me way past our child’s (detail removed by Moderator) birthday. I told him in order for this relationship to work I needed to trust him and therefore would forgive him for the pain he caused. I would also expect the same level of respect and trust. I told him I felt I would always be “earning” his trust and I didn’t feel respected.

He accepted my new found trust for him gladly, and went on the live a normal life with a family at home, going to work, and seeing his friends regularly.

My life got worse.

Every time I made plans with friends (which I made sure he had advance notification about) on the day he would message constantly. Telling me he gets I dressed like a s**t, or that I’d be cheating on him. I would try to explain I’m just out to see my friends but I was told I was lying, and then he would call me various names.

Even when he met my closest circle of friends multiple times, and knew nothing has happened with any of them, I couldn’t even go round their homes without the accusations.

I have repeatedly said I deserve more trust than this and he has constantly dangled it in-front of me. I always get made to feel I’m asking for too much.

For years, he’s told me he’s not sexually satisfied. I tell him the lack of trust and respect don’t turn me on. The abuse is making it hard for me to switch off for sex. Emotion and sex go hand in hand for me. He doesn’t listen. He’s got a high sex drive and most of the time I will need to appease him sexually to keep the peace. He’s also happy having causal sex, as he did this a lot before meeting me (I knew of him as many women I know have slept with him in the past) so I guess he assumes that if he can have sex at the drop of a hat, so can I.

Every time I get overwhelmed by what’s happening, I will stop having sex with him. It’s then torture because he will insult me, make me feel not worthy, and somehow makes it out as if I’m the problem. I understand him when he says I don’t communicate effectively but I try to explain, it’s hard to communicate with someone who disregards everything I say.

Literally everything I say he scrutinises as suspicious or not honest. It’s exhausting.

When I was part time ( left my full time role after having our child) he told me I was un-ambitious, lazy, dense. I couldn’t drive and I was lazy for not driving.

I learnt how to drive, and I got a full time role which was a really competitive job that I would be using my degree for.

On the day of my interview he said “(detail removed by Moderator)”

I got the job. And leading up to starting the role, the accusations got more and more insane. I don’t think a day has gone by the last (detail removed by Moderator) years where I haven’t been accused of something.

I thought getting a job and driving is what he wanted, but it was like opening Pandora’s box.

The first couple of months in the job were really hard. I was so emotionally loaded, I went AWOL for a night. I got drunk with some colleagues and stayed with them (I was so drunk they wouldn’t let me on a train home) but I was also not speaking to him. I gave up.

This was (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and I’ve really been punished for it since. I had my vagina interrogated when I got home the next day, assuming he was looking for semen.

I have explained explicitly over these years how I got to making that decision, and I was sorry for doing it, but I told him it was a wake up call and it can’t go on like this. I said I deserve to live. He hasn’t listened.

Initially he was convinced that during my work hours I would be walking the streets to find someone to have sex with. I told him how insane this is but he hasn’t stopped.

If I get a later train (and later meaning 15 minutes) then I was cheating. Somehow I’ve tolerated this.

(detail removed by Moderator) that year he spent a fortune taking me to a hotel/spa. I just so happened to get a nasty virus. I felt ok on the way there, during my massage I felt strange but then when we sat down to dinner I projectile vomited (detail removed by Moderator), I couldn’t run to the toilet in time. I was horrifically embarrassed.
He was livid, and took me back to the room, I was hot and shaky and unresponsive. Never been so ill in my life. But I was punished for this as it ruined his plans for lots of hotel sex, he didn’t care how ill I felt and how it was just very bad luck.

We got home and it was tense. Emotions were high, and eventually I get punched so hard I was knocked out, my eye completely shut from the immediate swelling. I haven’t told anyone he did this to me.

I spent a few days in hospital to treat the virus (as my (detail removed by Moderator) started to swell and rash) and to treat the head trauma.

The following (detail removed by Moderator) he profusely apologise for what he’d done to my mental health and that he would treat me like a “Queen” (I’ve only ever asked for equality, trust and respect, I haven’t asked for a lot) but this was short lived.

(detail removed by Moderator) I return to work and it goes down hill again. No reason other than I was going to work again. He was physical again and my other eye was completely swollen.

I really love him. When it’s good between us it is really good. We share the same interests, he is a good dad in spite of all this.

I’ve been triggered to message this forum because recently he’s openly admitted he doesn’t respect me, and again has done nothing but disregard every thing I have to say about my feelings. He honestly makes me sit and listen to his perception of how I feel, then gets upset when I don’t want to hear it.

It’s all such a mess I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. The more anxious I am the more “mistakes” I make. If I forgot to tell him my whereabouts (like going to do a good shop) there would be accusations.

And I’ve given up trying to communicate with someone who thinks so little of me. But then he tells me how bad I am at communicating. It’s mentally too much now I am struggling.

I spent my money filling our extended home, he said he would contribute and never did. He (detail removed by Moderator) told me how much money he has in the bank, I asked him why he hadn’t given me anything for the (detail removed by Moderator) (which I paid for with credit card) and he said “(detail removed by Moderator)”

(detail removed by Moderator) he is harassing me with messages because I’m at home alone and he cannot cope with me being able to do anything I want. I’ve barely done a thing (detail removed by Moderator) because I’ve spent it replying to him. I wanted to exercise (detail removed by Moderator) and now I’m just surviving.

I can’t afford to move out on my own and I feel trapped. I don’t know what to do.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… tomuchfaith,
Where to start! I am so saddened to hear your story. This is most defiantly an abusive relationship and you most defiantly need to get out of this situation for the best interest of all concerned. This is not love, love is kind and gentle and compassionate.
What you posted seems to run over a long period of time, so there is your evidence that it is not going to get any better, and I think from you posting on here you know that.
Its classic that he didn’t like you learning to drive and getting a better job as abusive men like control and power. But you did do this and you sound like an intelligent woman who has just forgot how strong she is.
Please if you can don’t give up your job, they love to isolate and this will take away your power even more. He will also hate that you have a life he cant control at work, but if there is someone there you can trust, use it as your support.
You cannot go on like this so if you can please try and speak to women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline.
You need to start thinking about your options for leaving and they will help you with this, if you cant speak to them this forum will give you lots of tips and advice.
Life should not be like living on a rollercoaster. I know that it may seem like there is no way out right now but by just posting on here you have set the wheels in motion, so start to plan and visualise a better life for you and your child and that day will come.
Sending you continued love and support
D xx

[Darcy]

P.S … I also wanted to add about what you said about the massage. Do not underestimate what all this stress is doing to your body. By having the massage the combination of you relaxing and the therapist physically moving your energy around your body caused this horrendous reaction, and what was coming out of your body physically was what had gone into it mentally.
Start to tune into your body a bit more, a book that has been recommended on here a few times is the Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk, this explains in depth this kind of thing.
Your body is now screaming at you what your mind has been telling you xx

[Empoweredhealing]

Oh my goodness, I just want to say that you have suffered and continue to suffer horrendous physical and emotional abuse. This is NOT your fault. Blame is designed to keep you trapped. Abusers will blame you for all of their behaviors.

You partner’s behavior is monstrous and horrific!! There are no excuses for them. His abuse comes from toxic insecurities, entitlement and his own internal shame. You didn’t do anything to cause it and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Please reach out to WA, your GP, family and friends. Let people know what’s happening as much as you can. Start slow but tell one friend or family member. Tell one professional. Start reading one book on abuse etc…

Posting on here is a very good first step. You have embarked on the journey out of abuse now. There’s no time frame but it’s inevitable that one day, you’ll find the strength to leave this behind.

[Author]

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