Having a relationship with my mum is hard after leaving my dad’s abuse

[Incognitohuman]

I just want to start this rant by saying that I don’t blame my mum for my dad’s behaviour. She is a victim too and I hope one day she is able to leave him.

Anyway, it’s been hard having a relationship with my mum since I left. I won’t get into it but I was really let down by my IDVA and wound up in unsuitable accommodation miles away from my friends and family completely alone. It has caused some issues and my dad is currently unaware that he is the reason why I left and have ended up so far away. Things between me and my mum changed a lot when I told her I was moving out. I didn’t lie to her about why I was going but I kind of wish I had. My dad wanted me to go, and has since changed his mind and wants me to move back in with them. Thankfully I can’t (this is going to sound really horrible) because they were (detail removed by Moderator). I’m trying to move back to the area I used to live in but I’m having some difficulties due to the history of abuse from my dad. My mum won’t acknowledge that my dad abused me. She reduces it to us ‘just not getting along’ and says that me and my dad are ‘too much alike’ so we clash. It’s like she holds me just as responsible as my dad for what happened. I don’t think I can detail anything what happened but let’s just say I’m lucky to be alive after the last time he put his hands on me. He was arrested after that and my mum arranged for a solicitor for him, promised me he wouldn’t be coming home if I didn’t press charges, then let him move back in in less than (timeframe removed by Moderator). I know my mum is a victim too, I just wish she would have protected me. I don’t know why it hurts me so much that she won’t acknowledge what he did to me.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Incognitohuman

I am so sorry for your situation, far from home and everyone, I really feel for where this has left you. Whether it will help any I can’t know, but hope you can see how much farther ahead you are in the process than your mum is, which makes your relationship with her very complex for you to find a way to manage.   Meaning, you can see things she can’t, or can’t face, can’t look at because it would be too much for her to manage now, or before now.

You have come a long way and seen clearly for yourself what he is. It’s incredibly hard on you, having seen it all, to watch your mum still supporting him in any way.

You say that your dad wanted you to go, yet was unaware of the reason you left?  So, I’m guessing that maybe your mum does know why you left, and it’s probably best that your dad remains in the dark, in order that you keep yourselves safe.

It’s such a hard place to be, miles away from home, alone, and also emotionally distanced from your mum, because of your dad.  I hope you are managing to find some new essential support in your new area, this is vital to have connections wherever you are, and to get professional support too, maybe time for a new IDVA, someone who can be on hand for the specialist type of advice and guidance to help you.  They can connect you with lots of other services too.

I am glad you found here, and a place that you can express yourself as freely as you need to have a confidential space for you.  Keep posting and asking the questions.

Warmest wishes

ts

 

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