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Hi all
My wobble doesn’t involve me wanting to return, but questioning whether I got everything right. Did I exaggerate when everyone jumped in and agreed with me and told me they had known all along what he was like? Did I misread his behaviours?
My wobble comes from my daughter not speaking to me for almost (detail removed by Moderator), and (detail removed by Moderator) other people who agreeing that I was the problem. ‘His’ (detail removed by Moderator) who obviously believes what he says, my kid’s (detail removed by Moderator) ( who has never spoken to me and reported me to the kids when I tried to explain in e mail why I had left) and my daughter’s (detail removed by Moderator) who called me ‘selfish’ for leaving.My daughter lives with the perpatrator and still not wanting to speak to me makes me question things. What did she see that I didn’t? Was i unreasonable to live with? Was I the problem? How can she still not want to speak to me after seeing how he treat me? Did I deserve it?
I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. Has anyone had a similar experience of being made to feel like the problem?
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Same here thats 3 adult kids, not speaking to my either, they have no understanding towards me, now i have not seen my Grandkids, because of there selfishness, no you are not the problem, they make us doubt ourselves, it really hurts, so i know your pain, keep posting.
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Hi
Just to say that you didn’t misread his behaviours. They were all there. You know what you had to deal with. You know none of it was right.
You would have stayed if it was ok – leaving is never the easy choice.
And it sounds like your perpetrator is still abusing you through your daughter and is manipulating her now.Personally, the questioning and self-doubt is always there for me. Even though I know it was right to leave him – I spend hours and hours trawling through emails from him, text messages, diary entries that I wrote when he was really bad. I’m always looking for that extra hard evidence – to prove that I’m right. But I can never find it.
It’s tough when they appear reasonable as well – or present as a ‘normal’ person. Again another reason to self-doubt – was it all me?
Especially when they believe beyond a doubt that they are not to blame.
My ex was a drinker and his behaviour was appalling – but right now he’s sober and getting on with the children.
I know I couldn’t have stayed with him – but the guilt and self-doubt will always be there.
Plus I’m terrified of how to manage things going forwards – finances – divorce etc etc.
No wonder I stayed for so long.Take care of yourself xx
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Hi Littlemissgettingthere,
I know what you mean by overthinking and questioning your own actions or things you have said?? However the people who are turning it around on you probably don’t know or understand the full picture. And there are things you cannot explain to your kids.
I too have felt very frustrated by this – hence I joined the forum!!!
We have to stay strong – our kids need us to be around and healthy for as long as possible even though they don’t know this themselves.
Sending you good vibes.
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Hi Littlemissgettingthere
Sadly I think this is more common than people realise. Despite my child living with me most of the time, my ex was in their ear everytime they visited, bad mouthing me and telling downright lies so as to get my child onside and make out that I was lying about the abuse. This was even though my child had witnessed a lot of it! I used to feel sick to my stomach going to pick them up after a visit not knowing what awful lie had been said about me this week and then having my child shouting at me and calling me a liar. It was horrendous but I held onto my truth with my child because I knew it was the truth. And I was having counselling with Womens Aid at the time where I could talk about it, validate my experience and get advice on how to deal with it.
What I understand now is that these abusers are so convincing and are masters at gaslighting and coercive control that it can be understandable that kids, who trust them, believe them. I mean what dad would make up such awful things?! And then we as mothers often shield our kids from all of the harsh gory details to protect them, so then the kids are only hearing one fabricated version of events.
It’s a really hard thing to navigate. It went on for quite some time for me until my ex true colours started to show to my child – they can’t hide who and what he they are indefinitely at home. It may be that the ‘super dad’ act will wear thin when financial matters are concluded? Just a thought….
As for your ex’s family and friends, it’s not going to matter what you say or what deep down they may think/know, they will back him and often be his ‘flying monkeys’. It took me a long,long time to accept the injustice of this as I did nothing wrong except leave an abusive relationship, but now I’ve completely cut them out of my life I feel much better for it. Let them put up with him!
Apologies for rambling reply but this part of leaving was not something anyone had talked about and it turned out to be really the worse bit for me.
Have you had/are you having any counselling? It’s a godsend if you can access. Also, in my opinion I think you’ve set your daughter a good example of what’s not acceptable in a relationship by leaving, even if she doesn’t realise it now xx
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Hi AirNamaste!
I can’t tell you how much your message helped me. I felt so alone in my thoughts but this message, alongside the others validate that this really is a thing. I worry that there is little support regarding parent-child.young adult coercive control ( there’s a similar, better and official phrase for it but can’t recall!) My worry is that he is so clever, kind and god-like to them ( he lavishes them with anything a child would ever want and is super-reliable) that they will never see the errors of his ways. Then again, I am not there so there could have been slanging matches which go along the lines of ” I can see why my mum left now!”
(detail removed by moderator) But it’s like she has erased all those bad memories of him and rewritten her own narrative- or he’s writing it for her.I think counselling is the next necessary step for me. I can’t imagine a future without my girl in it and I can’t bear to start thinking it could be a reality. xx
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